my lost love

24 October 2019, Thursday

Pretty Nasty Way to Start the Day.

Last night, I had a major break down AGAIN. It's being a while though and I would say that I am really proud of myself.

Overslept with a flat battery phone. What A Day!

It is a phase. Once again. The feels of isolation.

It's another day of club activity. Great, guess what? Now, he's just teaching our mutual friend. Let's just call her Liz.

Oh, Let me introduce you to our club. We both play the guitar. A pretty romantic instrument to learn, I know.

Yes, I admit that it was all sweet and rosy before, when he used to teach me how to play the guitar.

Now, I sit silently in the same room. Crowded but alone. You are just across me, yet everything feels so distant. I can't help trying to glance at you. In fact, I just want to stare at you and admire this moment. However, I know it's just weird and you don't have to know that I am not over you yet.

Baby, it hurts though I am glad you could find someone better to accompany you by your side.

You were playing a song to her. You said you would only do it for me. You were teaching her, like how you used to with me. I am her replacement.

Sometimes, it's almost as though I would see you glancing at me too. It is almost too good to be real.
Had it been my hallucination? Or maybe you just happened to be looking around?

I want to reconnect with you again, but the words get stucked in my throat. I could not even muster a "Hello" to you back or first.
It might be my ego and insecurities acting up again. I am afraid that if I simply let my guard down, I would give in and be at the mercy of you again. I can't let you destroy the walls I rebuilt again, after you broke my wall and left me shattered in pieces internally.

You wrote a song. "Lost". It sounds like a heartbreak song. The lyrics seemed to resonate our story. Is this song made for me?

" You are the only thing that I need
but we were never meant to be

Now I am lost, I can't be without you
Please stay now, I can't leave you like this
Fading away, take me into your arms
Just hold me close

You've been longing for me everyday
Calling me on my phone twenty four seven
Now I am writing this song so that we can move on
Let's just leave these memories at it is for each other

Take my hand, I'll be there for you
Trust me, I will hold you closer
Please don't go, you can't leave me crying
Now I'm Lost

All the time I tried to find my way back to you
But you just fade away with someone new
And I know I have got to try to move on
Now you WERE a part of me
And this is my last song for you.

Time have past
We have changed
And all time that I have been missing you
and I'm so lost without you "

We were madly in love. I screwed up. I am sorry for being toxic. I am sorry for hurting you. You couldn't take it anymore. You still loved me, but it was not enough. You left. You wanted us to find our freedom and happiness. We missed one another. But you moved on, while I am still stucked. I didn't need the freedom. You were my happiness and everything.

You are right. We changed. But I never fade away with someone new. I am always here and you know that I would still be here for you in a heartbeat for you.

And I hate myself for that, because I know you wouldn't do the same back for me and I still would regardless.