my lost love

Happy Birthday

It's been a while, hasn't it? 

To be honest, there was so much thoughts and feelings I had from back then that was difficult for me to put it out in words. But here I am again haha. 

Firstly and most importantly, happy birthday my love. 

These simple words which I wished I could tell you a million times today, but I can't.

I didn't want to be a hypocrite. 

Even though we did not end up as expected and there were countless times I dreaded you for causing me to be this miserable today,

You are still the person I loved the most.

The person who I sincerely and unconditionally love and care from the bottom of my heart. 

Not being able to be by your side to support you and to wish you the best feels strange,

but I know it is an inevitable feeling which I have to face one day. 

I thought that I have gotten used to your absence but I realised I didn't. 

I still made use of whatever remaining possible outlets I had to check in on you. 

Just to feel your presence. 

I admit that the feelings I felt before are not as strong anymore. 

That heartache, pain, despair, loss, emptiness,

But it was still bound to be present somewhere deep in a corner of my heart. 

Because you are the only one whom I have foolishly love with all of my heart. 

Honestly, I am really relieved to know that he was aware of the magnitude of my love for him.

Everything just felt worth it. 

He didn't have to reciprocate. He didn't have to do anything.

I did everything out of my will. It makes me happy and making him happy makes me happy too.

Knowing that he was aware of how someone would always appreciate him was my honor. 

I always thought that I just wanted to protect myself from getting hurt again by pushing him away. 

I keep telling him to act the way he feel, to stop confusing me and to stop interfering with me if he didn't care. 

But in fact, there was more to it.

I didn't want to accept it. I know I can't help it. 

That I would always and always care for him more than he cares about me.

That I would always and always love him but I would pretend that I am not for him. 

That I would always and always make sacrifices and do anything for him.

I admit that I was addicted to him like a drug once. 

It felt horrible. 

I get high when I am with him and I fall apart without him.

But as time passes, 

I realised that I truly loved him unconditionally.

And that scares me. It's scary.

I simply didn't want to be in a similar position again. 

Because I know that he is the only person who is capable of doing that to me.

I know that I will be able to find someone who loves me more and treats me better than him,

But I know that I will never love someone like this ever again.

Whereas he would find someone whom he will truly love unconditionally,

Like the way I did with him.