my lost love

26 February 2020, Wednesday

Before I continue, I just wanted to say that I guess I am going to continue to update more! Hope you look forward to it!

Well, I saw him once again. It seemed like I have been coincidentally bumping into him more often these days, when I least expect it. 

I was with a male classmate and we were heading towards the Food Club for lunch after completing one of our final exam papers. I was exhilarated and a bright smile spread across my face. 

There he was.

We made eye contact and he waved at me. I saw him vaguely as my vision was still blurred from madly rushing through the final exam paper. I hesitated a little before waving back and looking away towards my friend's direction. I didn't understood why but I felt awkward... 

The thing is ... he had actually started been friendly with me again recently. 

 Things got pretty tense after the breakup. Although we still see each other quite often due to club activities, we had minimal interaction.

Honestly, I am genuinely happy that the situation is turning better. I am happy to see him and happy for the friendly interaction. But I just felt awkward generally... 

So the thing which I wanted to convey from this chapter today is that 

It's perfectly fine for you to be this way. 

I know you may feel obligated to be friendly too. You may feel obligated to be grateful that he is finally interacting with you. 

But not really. You do and you don't. 

It's complicated. It's like you dream and hoped for something to happen so badly, but when it does, you don't get the feeling you thought you would. 

Honey, just do whatever you feel comfortable with. You don't have to be rude, nor do you have to be friendly. 

The moment when he decided to leave you, he acted as what HE thought was right. 

I am not blaming him for leaving me, saying that it was the wrong decision or that he made a selfish decision for himself. 

He might have done what he thought was right for us, for me. 

But do not forget. He done what HE thought was right and NOT what YOU thought. 

He hurt me, broke me and left me in pieces. 

I am thankful. I could learn to forgive but I will never forget the way he made me feel. 

Pain and worthless. 

After all that I have done for him and anything else which I would have done for him.

I threw away my own self respect and I begged him. I tried my very best. 

But he still chose to leave. He didn't gave me another chance. He chose himself over me. 

Even till this day, it still hurts so much honestly. 

" Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair "

I entrusted him with my fragile heart it but he dropped it. 

P.S. 

I know it's hard to believe in love again. 

However, everyone deserves to be loved and you should never deprive anyone the love they deserve from you. Nonetheless, always remember to protect your own heart at all costs.