Kissing in a Dream

Triggered

The pitter-patter of the rain was soothing. But each time the thunder scraped across the sky, and lightning flooded my room, my eyes snapped opened. My heart slammed into my chest like a locomotive, and I just couldn't fall asleep.

It wasn't hard to guess why I thought if I'd fallen asleep, the world would end.

I was only ten when the sonic boom exploded through the room. The sound was coming from outside my window—it wasn't thunder.

For a moment, I merely yanked my blankets over my head, my eyes darting around underneath, trying to see if there were any changes in my room—if the monsters had broken in. But I was alone like I always was.

Eventually, I was brave enough to push my feet out of bed, dropped the blankets and climbed out. I snuck up to my window and looked out. In the pouring rain, I saw my father, standing over a body on the floor. He was soaking wet with his head down and a gun in his hand.

I watched as he hunched down and pressed the gun to the person's temple.

With my heart slamming against my chest, threatening to leap through my bones, I allowed my knees to give out and hit the floor. Before long, another loud boom echoed through the night.

I jerked forward, screamed just before my face hit the floor and my eyes snapped opened.

Something was wrapped around me and I struggled. My panicked mind couldn't focus on anything else but me being trapped. I began falling and for a moment, my brain didn't grasp what was happening until the ground came up to meet my back.

The pain forced me to focus and my brain realized I was back at school, in my condo. I rolled to my side and curled into, waiting for the ache to subside.

Shifting to my back, I tried to untangle my feet without actually getting up, but I failed.

My brain was then preoccupied with the nightmare I'd had. It couldn't have been real.

I think I would have remembered if my father had killed someone outside my window the night of my tenth birthday.

My mother had snuck me a birthday card and a cupcake with a candle in the middle. My father's head would explode if he knew. Each time she did anything sweet for me, he went off about how she was making me soft.

She told me to make a wish before I blew out the candle. I pressed my palms together but couldn't seem to pick a wish.

I wish...

I wasn't born...

I was an adult so I could go away and never come back...

I had a different father...

When I looked up at my mother, she stared at me with expectant and terrified eyes. I hadn't made a wish but I didn't tell her. Instead, I smiled, closed my eyes and pretended. I dropped my hands to my side and she smiled as I blew out the candle.

The moment it was out, she pulled it from the cupcake, wrapped it in a piece of paper and shoved it into my pocket.

"Happy birthday, Gamon," She said softly as she leaned in to kiss my forehead. "Don't tell your father about this, okay?"

"Okay, Mae."

She pressed another kiss to my forehead—this one lingered. "Eat the cupcake before your father gets back." My mother had kissed my forehead then, allowing her lips to linger.

"Okay-krap."

The memory of each birthday was vivid, almost as though they'd happened the day before.