Kissing in a Dream

Admission

Over the last couple of weeks, I'd watched Mongkut. I'd seen him through his laughter, his confusion and his sadness. I'd wanted to help with his research in the library, I'd wanted to strangle Prae with my bare hands for she seemed to pop up every time I had enough courage to say something to him. 

But I had no control of any of it. Mongkut wasn't mine. I hadn't the courage to tell him or the world I wanted to chase him.

I couldn't.

"You're smiling." Dae's voice was soft from beside me. "I've known you all our lives—from childhood to now. And ever since you truly realized what your life would be, I barely saw you smile."

I swallowed the lump in my throat but didn't look away from where Tok was busy trying to get Mongkut to do a hip roll.

"Maybe you should tell him how you feel." Dae continued.

Silence--the type that told you the world stopped spinning and was hurtling toward the sun.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I managed.

"It's not like I can't tell." Dae told me.

"Dae..."

"Come on, Wolf." Dae sighed. "It's me you're talking to. You don't have to hide who you are. I don't really care about that stuff."

I shook my head but the words died in my throat. It was like they were inside me but my throat wouldn't let them escape. 

"I don't know how to be something for him." I admitted. "I don't know if I can take the heartbreak I know would come if I dared. I don't know if I could live with myself if I hurt him--if my father..."

Dae sighed loudly. "The moment you finish this program you're heading back to Thailand to take over a business you don't want. Your father has a strangle hold on every other part of your life, why not take a breather here? Why not hold on to the little happiness you can find with your Chang Noi."

The back of my neck heated, and I blinked and looked away from the dancers.

"I can't. I know after enjoying a little, I'd want more." My voice cracked. "I'd want him to myself, only for me."

"Wolf..."

"He's the keeper of my demons." I admitted without meaning to. "The one who guards against the darkness. With him—I don't have the nightmares. I hadn't had a good night's sleep since I was ten. But that night—that night as he slept on the floor, holding my hand...I've never had anyone do that for me."

"He held your hand?"

I turned to the view again.

"Then why do I need to convince you this is good for you? And how comes you found someone to chase and you didn't tell me?"

"I wasn't sure how you would take it."

Dae scoffed. "More importantly, are you going to go after Mongkut or not?"

I shook my head. "No. My life isn't my own. I can never bring someone into that."

We slipped into silence. Other arrived for the class and to my surprise, Mongkut fell into line with the crew. He struggled some with the moves but Ari and Tok were very patient.

"Out of all the people, my heart chose him." I mumbled.

"The heart wants what it wants, my friend." Dae patted my shoulder. "Are you going to be here for a while? I have to drop this notebook off to one of my classmates then I'll take you out for dinner."

"I'll be here."

I didn't look back as Dae walked away. Instead, I waited for a few minutes then bought a bottle of water from the food counter. As Mongkut fell to the ground, panting, I walked over and pressed the cold bottle to his cheek.