DONTMAKEMEFALLINLOVE || Billy Hargrove, Stranger Things

XLVIII.

I couldn't talk to anyone about what happened. In fact I couldn't even talk at all the first few hours.

I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I felt so dirty even if I just touched the pill. I hate myself for almost giving in. But not as much as I hate Jessie. I hate him for feeding my weakness with drugs but I also hate myself for taking them. He broke me twice and now I just want to disappear. I want to leave. Not because I've recovered, but because I want to beat Jessie with every boiling cell in me.

•

Day 20

It took me a week to call anyone from the outside world. It took another week for me to stop vomiting in the morning. But I woke up today feeling stronger than ever before.

I could finally breathe properly. Not slowly anymore, as if I was still in the trance of a high. My eyes can shift from object to object like before, with no problem of slowness and blurriness. The food I eat now no longer has a horrible aftertaste. My pulse is at a normal pace and I'm gaining my weight back according to one of the nurses. This is the best I've felt in a long time.

If I'm completely honest, I have to thank Jessie for allowing me to change. All the hate (even if it's not the best emotion) woke me up; I can't just stay here and let my life pass by. If I ever want to go out with the people who mean the most to me I must first fight for myself.

Today I woke up bright and early to jog on the outside track field and eat breakfast. I've been thinking of what to tell Jessie all week. Today was finally the day. I would yell at him through the phone and at the end I would feel so much better...at least that's what I hope will happen.

My heart picks up its beat when the telephone dials. "Hello?"

I hate his voice now. But I now realize nothing was ever Jessie's fault. Yes, he'd given me the drugs but I took it upon myself to consume them. I am here at my own accord. I can't hate him for that. I hate him for trying to break me again.

"Jessie."

"Oh my god it's you!" He replies through the phone ecstatically, "how have you been Diana?"

"I didn't call to catch up Jessie," I state with no emotion laced in my voice, "I just wanted to tell you I can no longer see you without feeling the need to punch you in the face."

"Look Diana if this is about what I sent you-"

"It fucking is!" I loudly reply back, "you know why I'm here and for you to just send that thinking that's what I need? Jessie you need help!" my voice almost breaks, "this is the best I've felt in a very long time and for you to think I can go back to my old ways tells me a lot."

"If I knew this was how you'd react then I wouldn't have sent it, I'm sorry." Jessie says through the phone.

"Jessie I've accepted the fact that my boyfriend isn't coming back. I can't see him vividly anymore or else I'll die this time. I think we shouldn't see each other anymore," I sigh.

"Hold on Diana you can't be serious we've been best friends since forever!" Jessie pleads, almost sounding angry.

"I know, that's why it hurts me to say it; we can't be friends anymore Jessie," my heart plummets down to my stomach, "I wish you the best. Have a good life, Jessie."

That's when the line cuts off and my tense shoulders can finally move back freely.

Day 30
November 18, 1985

  Withdrawal is ugly. For me it came in waves. It hurt to breathe when the waves hit hard, to the point where I believe I can't possibly live without the sensation of a drug. But then the waves calm down and suddenly all the negative thoughts dissolve. Then the waves start back up again, but this time they're swift in anger.

All the waves calm down when I start to think of my family back home and Billy.

Day 40

Over a month has passed by since I was admitted. Time passes by so fast when you're trying to love yourself again. I hate to admit it, but the group sessions do work. The longer you stay the longer you realize people cry. People cry during the sessions for almost everything. For past life and future life. I grew stronger once I broke down in front of these people. A few days ago I spent a good half hour ranting out loud and sobbing. Then another person was doing the same. I knew it was bad when Ezekiel put his book down to comfort me and I felt his tears on my hair.

For months I couldn't cry properly. I was so numb. So so numb. I hadn't cried that much since the night Billy was killed. There was a time where my heart was lost. And I didn't want to wake up to see another day. At first I was doing rehab just for the people who love me. Now it's my journey to self discovery.

I'm learning to live again and that's all I could ask for. Only five days left until I can finally leave and start a new life.

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this book is slowly starting to come to an end. :'))

I have a horrible update schedule (I don't even have a schedule) but I promise you won't have to go through slow updates any longer :))

word count: 972

3-13-20
12:30 am