DONTMAKEMEFALLINLOVE || Billy Hargrove, Stranger Things

LVII.

I was mute for the next two days ever since I got back to my dorm from the party. Kind of.

I couldn't fall asleep that night. Around three in the morning I heard the door open and saw the hallway light reflecting on the wall in front me, my back to the couple. There was more than one person coming in, that I could tell from the loud and heavy footsteps. A few moments later I heard a body hit the other mattress, meaning Avery was back but blacked out. The other person can be heard shuffling around before speaking out loud, "Diana you know she was just drunk. Avery felt bad after you left."

As if a drunk person can worry about someone else's feelings when they can't even worry about their own.

"Eric I admire your manipulation to try and make me feel bad but it won't work," I scoffed, not turning around to face him. "Also fuck you."

Only i can make myself feel bad, thank you very much.

"I'm not going to stand here and tell you what to feel, but you're a shitty person for not trying." Eric retorts back before he can be heard walking towards the door.

I wasn't in the mood.

"I come in second place right after you for being a shitty person my friend." I laughed. He slammed the door loudly after that, the bitter smile on my face wiped away.

The next morning I showered quickly, dressed myself, and left the building before Avery could ever wake up. The car ride along the freeway helped clear my mind a bit, but then I realized I was not the problem here.

But then I stopped at a cafe, thought it over again, realized I am the problem and I don't know how to fix it...well me. When I looked up from the table and stared out the window, I noticed my luck is really amazing. Ahead of me there was two cars parked side by side, the doors open ajar. Two people stood on either side, and it was obvious they were doing a drug deal just by they way one guy held out his hand to the other. How easy it would be for me to just walk up and ask.

I went to my car and left the parking lot after that. And I avoided Billy's apartment and the surf shop he works at. The whole day I was out, doing absolutely nothing. Nightfall came so I spent the remaining time in the dorm lounge until I was kicked out. I hoped Avery was asleep, or still blacked out from last night but instead i found the dorm dark but an enlightened lamp on the table showed a few tissues on the floor. "You're back!" Avery shouted out, running up to me with open arms and red tear stained cheeks.

Great. Now I really do look like the bad guy.

"I was worried!" She cried, "I thought I lost you forever I–how come you didn't tell me before about your problem? Oh my god I'm such a horrible person I–"

It was a blur after that. She talked so much, blamed it on herself, I couldn't bear to hear her voice. I tried to ignore her but I just couldn't, not when she's choking on her own tears. It was quite amusing but I remained silent. "I don't care if you're not speaking to me, as long as you're back I don't care."

The second day around the afternoon a knock came the other side of the door. Avery answered the door before calling out, "Diana someone's here to see you."

I know who it is. Avery moves to the side to give me space, allowing me to find Billy at the door. "Hey...can we talk?"

I stare into his bright blue eyes before sighing and nodding my head. I move past Billy, beginning my way down the hallway to the elevators but not before I could hear Avery whispering very loudly, "Please don't break up!"

The elevator doors open and out comes a couple holding hands. I frown as we make our way inside. I hate looking at happy couples when I'm not happy. I also notice Billy never replied to Avery's comment.

"I came by yesterday but they said you weren't here," Billy starts, neither sad or mad. Just as a matter of fact.

"Yeah," I press the button to go to the first floor, "I was gone yesterday. To think."

It was silent for a few minutes later when I followed Billy out to the parking lot, towards his car. It was a Camaro like his last car, but this time a shiny black. Even when we're not necessarily on happy terms with each other he still holds the car door open for me. "What did you want to talk about?" I question after he settles himself in the drivers seat.

"I'm trying to be more open with you, so here it is: I don't know what's happening to us. This relationship," Billy sighs, his chest in pain as he pauses, "is–I don't know how to be happy with myself and I think you feel the same way."

I do feel the same way. But I can't live without you.

My eyes turn away from him and look ahead at the other cars parked around us. "Yeah I agree," I mumble, "it's not hard to love you but it sure as hell is hard to love myself. Loving me won't take your trauma and pain away, and if I could I would fucking burn your monsters to a crisp."

"I'm not leaving you Dee, never in a million years," his hand suddenly grabs mine to intertwine our fingers together, bring my gaze back to him, "I just don't know how to live with it."

"I don't think it will ever go away but you'll learn to live with it. You can even see someone to help you. I just need you to be okay, wherever you are." I reply with a small smile, squeezing his hand.

I truly do mean it. Wherever he is, even if he's not with me.

"This is about you too. I can sense you're not okay either." Billy then scoots over to me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

"I just–I don't regret moving or being with you but," I sigh, "college makes it hard to breathe. No one wants to relapse. But it's so hard when I just want to be able to breathe for once. My body's felt weird for a while, like it's yearning for a drug again," my eyes turn glossy as I try not to cry angry tears, "I don't know if rehab will even help again."

"I believe in you so fucking much Henderson," Billy kisses the top of my head, "whatever happens I will always be here for you. If you want to go back to rehab I'll be there to drop you off and pick you up with open arms and plane tickets to Europe."

"Well we can just skip rehab and go straight the airline right now," I offer with a chuckle, to which Billy responds with a smile on his lips as he kisses me.

"Will we be okay?" Billy questions as he pulls away.

"This conversation is the most progress we've made these past few months. We'll be okay," I smile, "however long it takes I will be there with you."

I want you to be happy.

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short filler chapter!

I'm getting emotional just writing this because this is one of the last footnotes I will ever write 🥺🥺

thank you so much

word count: 1300

10-27-2020
11:40 pm