bnha x reader || scenarios, oneshots, and headcanons

battles | tamaki

pairing: amajiki tamaki x reader

warnings: tw depression, fluff, cursing

word count: 1,164

a/n: this is for everyone who feels loss. im not really good at words but I want you to know that you're not alone. not now not ever, I love you so much and will help you at every single step of life if need be.

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depression: (n) 1. feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

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You weren't sure when it happened, only that when you noticed you wondered how long you'd been like that.

Nothing felt right, it was as if you were suddenly aware that you weren't in control of your body. It felt as if you were under some puppet act, a mere doll acting out what the people wanted. There was no self-autonomy, only a community need.

They want you to smile, so you smile.

They need you to be a goof, so you're the clown.

You have to be silent, but kind, strong, yet soft, loud, yet humble.

There were so many different masks needed from you that at this point you had no idea which one was right. Which one was you?

Depression, the silver bullet to your personality, a constant reminder that you would never be 'normal' and it always left an acidic taste on your tongue. You also hated the definition of depression, why did it always focus on being sad? It was so much more than sad, sad was the last word you'd ever use to describe it.

It was feeling tired, unfit to do things, no longer in control, and by god did it make you angry. Anger always coursed through your veins whenever you knew you were in another depressive episode. Why were you like this? You were better than this! You knew you shouldn't be this way because fucking hell things were fine in your life, sure it wasn't perfect, but not anything close enough for you to want to sleep for a hundred years or just to give up.

So there you lay in bed for the second day in a row.

Your lips were chapped from dehydration, your cheeks felt hallow as you stared at the closed door, you needed to pee but you couldn't stand up. You couldn't move.

When was the last time you ate? Slept? Drank water? Used the bathroom? You couldn't remember any of this anymore, only that you were bitter that you couldn't get yourself out of bed. You needed to get out of bed, yet whenever you attempted your brain refused to send signals to your joints.

Frustrated tears had stopped flowing days ago and so all you could do is sniffle as you continued to stare at the door.

The door had yet to change within your time here, so when it opened, your heart hammered in worry.

In walked Tamaki, your boyfriend.

"Butterfly?" His voice whispers and you want to respond, you need to respond but your mouth refuses to open. "Are you okay?"

You watch with glassy eyes as he walks over to you, he still is partially dressed in his hero getup. Dirt covers his face as he stares at you in complete worry.

"S-Sorry, you're obviously not okay, p-please wait here."

You don't say anything as you watch your boyfriend scramble from your vision.

Time seems to pass by like an eternity, the apartment is silent and you half guess that Tamaki had run away. You would have if you were him, you were a lost cause after all.

But, you were wrong.

The closed blinds in the room opened partially, the evening rays of the sun shining through the blinds as you blink once.

"I'm going to open the windows, you need some f-fresh air," Tamaki informs you as the seal on the window pops showing that it opened. Immediately you can smell the stale air of the room as a cool breeze wafts through the window. Your eyes flicker over to Tamaki who holds a tray in his arms. "I brought you some water and some chicken soup. I-I'm assuming you haven't e-eaten, so we'll s-start you off with just liquids."

You do not assist Tamaki as he turns you onto your back, lifting you up so that your back is elevated. You watched him with now dull eyes as he carefully feeds you. Your body at an angle so that the liquids easily travel down your dried throat until the small cup of soup and water is done.

"You ate and d-drank everything," Tamaki smiled as he placed everything back onto the tray, "I'm proud o-of you, butterfly."

It's then that the glass wall between you and reality is shattered as tears explode in your eyes, and immediately Tamaki's eyes widen in horror as he automatically assumes it's his fault.

You sob violently as Tamaki throws the tray onto the ground, his arms immediately pulling you into a hug as he wants you to feel better and to apologize for anything he did wrong.

"What d-d-did I do w-wrong?" Tamaki gasps petrified as you can hear the tears forming in his eyes.

"N-Nothing!" You sobbed as your voice comes out thick and raspy from not being used in how many days. "You're so fucking perfect f-for me, and I don't deserve you! I'm sick and a-angry and tired of being depressed and it's entirely bullshit of me to be f-feeling this way!"

Tamaki's hold around you loosened as he took in your words, but your sobbing form held onto him like he was your lifeline.

Why were you so pathetic?

"That's not true," Tamaki whispers, his voice steely strong yet soft and warm. His arms wrap around you tighter and your sobs muffled as you bite down harshly against your bottom lip. "I only give back what you provide for me... y/n, you've given me so much that everything I do is because of you...

I'm sorry about your depression, I am but I don't know how to help. It's not a villain I can personally fight, it's your inner demon. Even then, I'm here for you. I will be here to help you fight the demon every time it comes around. I wish it could be a one and done thing, but no matter if it's the first or the thousandth time it happens, I'll b-be here for you. But, my butterfly, even if you don't want to feel this way, you act like it's your fault that you're here like this, and it's not. Depression isn't something you choose, but it's something you overcome, and you're so strong for being able to fight this every time it comes around... you're a hero for always managing to move past it, even if you don't always come out scar-free, by surviving you win... y/n... I love you, and I just am so proud of how resilient you are..."

Your sobs have become a silent cry as your eyes clench, your head presses against his chest as you listen to his erratic heartbeat.

Tamaki is here for you, you're here for you.

"I'm s-sorry," you croak.

"Don't be," Tamaki whispers as he presses a wet kiss to your forehead. "Battles are meant to be fought as a team after all, and I will be here with you, every step of the way."