Like Buttons On A Shirt

Chapter 12

What the hell was I doing?
I should have just stayed in bed and ignored the sounds coming from Gerards room.
I should have at least waited longer to see if he'd stop.

But I did wait a pretty long time and the crying just went on. It also didnt sound like it was about to stop all that soon.
But still... I shouldn't have gotten up and I shouldn't have left my room.
The cold floors should have been a warning for me to go back to sleep.
But I dont like to listen to warning signs. That's also why I often overstep boundaries.

Now that I was standing in front of Gerards door the crying was a little louder and sounded even more heartbreaking.
I sighed and told myself to just turn around. What was happening here, was none of my business. I was neither Gerards friend nor his therapist. Nobody would blame me if I just went back to sleep.
Yeah... maybe I could just-

While I was still thinking my hands had their own mind and knocked on the door without me even realizing it at first.
"Shit", I muttered when I finally understood that I couldn't just get away that easily.

Fuck it, it's too late anyway.

I opened the door and stepped in. I had my phone with me to at least have a little light. I didnt want to trip over anything and break my neck in the dark.

"Mr. Way?", I whispered and the crying instantly stopped.
I could only hear Gerards heavy breathing.
"Mr. Way, are you okay.", I asked.
Obviously i knew that he wasnt okay but i didnt know what else to say. There was no answer, only ragged breathing.

"Sir, I know you're awake"

"Go away", said a whispering voice and I flinched. This was not the voice of a rude and spoiled rich-man.
This was the voice of someone in desperate need of help.

"I-I heard you crying. My room is right next to yours and... and I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I'm not crying", Gerard said but a little sniff right afterwards exposed him.

"Can I get you anything, Sir? Maybe a glass of water?", I asked and got closer to the bed. My knees were already touching the mattress.

"No, dumbass. I dont want anything but to be alone" 

"I understand, Sir, but I really dont want to leave you like this, Sir"

"For God's sake can you just stop with that whole 'Sir' thing?! That's ridiculous", Gerard hissed.

Seriously?
He was crying but the one thing that bothered him was me calling him "Sir"?
I smiled at that but that smile faded when he sniffed again, reminding me of why I was here.

"Yes of course. I'm sorry Sir.
Oh no, I meant I'm sorry. Just 'Im sorry'. Without the 'Sir'", I said and slapped myself mentally for being rucking stupid in a situation like this.
"Can I... maybe sit down?"
I pointed to the Spot on the bed next to his feet even though he couldn't see me in the dark.

"You'll do it anyway so why ask?"

I didnt say anything to that and just sat down next to him.
Now that I was sitting here I just felt awkward. This whole situation was nothing but awkward and i reminded myself that it was all my fault for actually getting up and getting myself into this.

"So... do you want to talk about it?", i asked.

"No", he said quickly.
Just as i expected. But i really didnt think that he would want to talk to me. It was already a miracle that he let me stay here in the first place.

"I know you dont want to hear it but I need to say it again. I'm sorry for what I said today.", i started and heard him inhale as if he wanted to say something but I stopped him.
"No", I said, "please let me finish first. Then you can gladly kick me out again.
What I did was stupid. I shouldn't have been so disrespectful to you and I sure as hell shouldn't have believed what Melanie had said right away. Fuck... I shouldn't have talked with her about you in the first place. It's just... it's hard to talk to you about anything. And that's not supposed to be an excuse. Just a fact and I'm sorry about that too. I thought of Melanie as a nice person and someone to trust. Guess I was wrong."

It took a few moments for Gerard to respond.
At first I thought he would just not say anything.

"She is a nice person", he whispered, "that's why shes still here."

"But I dont get it.", i said in all honesty, "it's obvious I wasnt the first one she told that story to so why do you help her if she spreads lies about you"

"Its not like shes spreading lies", Gerard explained. He had stopped crying but his voice was still kind of wobbly.
"Most of the story is the truth. The whole bullying part is the truth. She just changed a few things to make herself look better. Melanie has changed since then. And she feels ashamed of what she did back then."

"It didn't seem like that when she talked to me", I huffed.
Gerard was way calmer and thoughtful than he was this afternoon. But I was furious.

"Shes doing good work. And she has nowhere else to go. It might not look like that but I can actually forgive people. What happened was in the past and it should stay there."

I was impressed. All this was a very mature way of thinking but it crushed everything I thought I bad known about Gerard. Thinking that Gerard was still traumatized from past bullying would have ay least explained his attitude a little but now? I had no clue...

"You're very mature", I said without thinking about it.

"I'm 25. I fucking hope so"
Did Gerard just make a joke?
I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Wait... didn't I tell you that I didnt want to see you again today?", Gerard suddenly said in a stern voice.
I made my display light up and turned it to Gerard.
"Its past midnight. A new day, so I technically did what you said"

The display flashed a little light at Gerards face helping me see him. His eyes were a little watery and red, so were his cheeks. But he seemed to have calmed down quite a bit.
He had a very beautiful face.

Objectively speaking of course.

Gerard stared at my screen for a few seconds before narrowing his eyes. He knew that I was right.
"I hate you", he said but I was sure that I had seen the sides of his mouth twitch a little. He had to hold back a smile.

I turned away my phone, making his face go dark again.
And I really liked to think that he did smile, knowing i couldn't see him.

"Who is that woman on your phone?", Gerard asked after a while of both of us not saying anything.

"That's my mom", I answered.
I really didn't like talking about her.
Not because I was ashamed of her or something but because I felt like talking about her was way too private.

"How are you feeling?", I asked trying to change the subject.

"I'm fine", Gerard said quickly.
Way too quick for my liking. I knew he was lying but I also knew that Gerard and I didnt have the relationship to talk about feelings yet.

"Okay... what do you need right now?"

"I-I think I want to sleep now", he said and yawned.
He really looked tired when I saw him in the light of my display.

"Okay then... I will leave you alone now.", I said.
I didn't do anything for a few moments but got up shortly after.
"So... goodnight. And see you tomorrow"

"Yeah goodnight", Gerard whispered and again I heard the shifting of the covers.
I didn't feel comfortable with leaving him alone tonight but i needed to know my place. I had only met him yesterday and all that happened right now was already too much to be natural.
Or maybe that was just me.

But I felt a little better because I managed to help Gerard to calm down. And maybe he would be able to actually sleep tonight.
I definitely would.

And I knew that I had at least succeeded a little when I didnt hear any crying for the rest of the night.