Like Buttons On A Shirt

Chapter 28

Gerards confession about wanting to die shocked me, even though it shouldn't.
I had thought about him and his condition a lot lately and of course the possibility of him being suicidal had crossed ny mind several times.
But hearing those words come directly from him and out of his own mouth made it different somehow.
You can only brush it off as a stupid thought until somebody else says it out loud.

"But you have so much to live for!", I said.
Gerard let out a dry laughter that sent shivers down my spine.
"That's what people like you always say. I fucking know, Frank. I am not stupid. I know that some people would kill to have my life and i KNOW that everything could get better. But that's the funny thing. I dont WANT to get better. I am sick and tired of waiting for something that's probably never going to happen. I've waited so long, Frank and I am just... just tired."

His shoulders slouched slightly.

"So... how long have you been feeling like this? Like... do you have depression or what should I call it?"
I knew my questions were stupid but i hoped the answers would help me understand him better. Or at least give me some time to sort my thoughts.

"I've been feeling like this for as long as i remember... if I had to pinpoint a certain time I would say that it started around the same time as puberty. But as puberty went away... the feelings stayed. My mother had sent me to a psychiatrist before. When I was 16 or something. He was a fucking asshole, let me tell ya."
Again gerard let out a dry laughter.

"He just wanted to help you", I tried but Gerard frantically shook his head.

"No, oh no he didn't. Well at first I thought he wanted to help but on my third session he basically forced me to strip in front of him. Apparently because he wanted to see if I had any self harm scars or Mark's on my body, even though I told him I didn't. He even made me take off my underwear and the look on his face... was almost violating. Needless to say I didn't go see him after that."

"Oh my God... I am so sorry Gerard. I didnt know..."

"Of course you didn't. How would you? But that's when I just gave up all hope for therapy to be honest. I dont want to go see a professional when all I am for them is some fucking doll they can use for an hour a week and then forget about for the rest of it. And my mom was sure to pay well so none of it would go public. The Ways cant afford to have a fucking psycho son. I dont even want to know how much she pays you to look after me. Because after I tried to kill myself she wouldn't let me be alone in this house. Even though I have more than enough servants already."
Gerard shrugged like it was nothing.
Like he didnt just tell me that he tried to kill himself.
Like it was okay.

"Y-you what?!", I exclaimed, "you tried to end you own fucking life?"

Gerard nodded calmly.
"Oh come on. This can't come as a surprise to you"

It shouldn't.
But it did.

"B-But... how... and why and... shouldn't you be in a psychiatric hospital at least?!"

"After my last session with the psychiatrist he gave me some medications to take when I was feeling anxious and stuff like that again. It didn't do much when taking only one of it. But it sure served its purpose when I took them all in one setting."
How could he be so calm talking about all of this while i was almost about to pass out. Like... for real.

"That was years ago though. Around the time I had turned 18 I guess. And no, I wasn't in any type of special hospital. My mother made sure of that. she payed the doctors involved so they would let me go home right after they pumped out my stomache. Oh the places money can get you..."

Another dry laughter.

I wanted to hug Gerard. Just hold him in my arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay again but after what happened yesterday and how awkward things were between us since then I decided not to do it. Besides... I couldn't promise him anything.

"But you know what's the funniest thing about all of this?", he suddenly asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I shook my head.
"That after everything I always held onto life. I always told myself that I just needed something that makes life worth living. When I was 12 I said 'I only need to see a therapist then everything will be okay' so i did and it changed nothing. If anything it made it worse. Then I told myself 'once you turn 16 and get your license you can just leave whenever you want to and everything is gonna be fine'. Well the time came but again nothing changed. Then I hoped my life would change at 21 because that's how it should go right. And lastly I told myself that I just had to get away from my parents and the hustle they brought and them I would be perfectly fine again. But suprise: nothing ever changed. And now I dont even know what to wait for anymore"

"But all of that shows that theres still hope! That maybe you dont want to die and just... need someone in your life that you can trust and that gives you love and... and..."

"And who would that be, huh?", Gerard crossed his arms in front of his chest again.
"The only person who ever really loved me was my brother Mikey. And even he left me so tell me Frank, who the fuck would be so stupid to ever love me, or even like me enough to go through every problem that I will cause."

"Me", I said with all the confidence that was still left in me.

There was a short moment of silence between us which I used to step closer to Gerard.
I suddenly felt the strong urge to feel his lips again, even though I knew it would be a mistake.

But apparently Gerard must have felt the same because in the end it was him, who took the last few steps to close the distance between us. It was Gerard who grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me in for a kiss.