Like Buttons On A Shirt

Chapter 31

I dont know exactly how we ended up in the position we were right now.
I was laying next to Gerard on his bed, under his blanket, staring at the ceiling with him. He had stopped crying about an hour ago.

"Ugh...", he sighed, "life just fucking sucks, man. You know? Like... it's just not fun anymore"

The room was pitch black and I couldn't see Gerard or anything else in the room. I didn't mind though. The darkness gave me some weird kind of comfort that made me feel less... exposed.
I didnt like talking about my own feelings but by now I felt like I could help Gerard better by just... opening up myself.

"Yeah I kinda get you. But on the other hand... was it ever fun to begin with?", I asked into the darkness.
I felt him shift next to me. Maybe he had shrugged.
"My childhood was pretty great to be honest. Until I started middle school that is. My parents were never home. They were always on some weird fucking trips and at work so me and Mikey had a lot of time to ourselves. Of course we had a nanny the first few years but eventually Mikey got old enough to take care of me. Not counting the servants that were shuffling around the house 24/7 anyway."

"Sounds nice but kind of... lonely. All without your parents."

"Oh no I wasn't lonely. I had Mikey. I mean... I still have Mikey he's not dead as you know.
We used to live in an even bigger mansion with our parents and we played hide and seek all the time. Mikey always won because he used to hide in the most crazy places. One time he even climbed into the fucking washing machine. Our servant found him after an hour when she wanted to do laundry. She almost got a heart attack when Mikey jumped out of the washing machine."
Gerard giggled and even I had to laugh at that image. I could picture a small blonde boy moving like a spider and scaring that poor maid.

"Yeah life was pretty good then...", gerard sighed again, "but then I got to middle school and was the guy everybody laughed at just because it made them cool and then Mikey left for university and THEN I was lonely. I was too old to play with the servants. They all started calling me 'Sir' and 'Mister' and got nervous when I was in the room because they were scared of making mistakes and me telling on them. And that's when life stopped being fun."

"That's sad", I said.

Gerard laughed again.
"Yeah maybe. How was your childhood?"

"It was... well... no fun either", I huffed, "my father died when I was still pretty young and we basically lost our main source of income which made surviving really hard. My mom had three jobs and I started working my first job at 15. We did have a good time though. My mom was always there for me and supported everything I wanted to do even if it meant that she had to hold back on herself for a few months. I was always into music and learned to play the guitar when I was young. She got me my first guitar for christmas. I will forever be grateful for that.
And I really tried to support her too. Especially when she got sick and couldn't work that much. I dropped out of school to work full time until she got into the hospital."

"Oh... I'm sorry about your dad... and your mom...", Gerard said.

"Dont be!", I quickly said back, "it's fine it's just... I dont like seeing my mom in so much pain all the time. I wish I could take her home and take care of her there full time but I dont have the money for that. I would have to quit everything to spend all my time with and on her and I just... dont have enough savings for that yet."

We both went quiet for some time just laying side by side in the dark.

"Your mom seems like a great woman from what I can tell", Gerard said and I could hear in his voice that he was smiling.

"She really is. I told her about you, you know? I did feel kind of helpless at first and of course my mom knew exactly what to say. She understand you, I think. I wish you could meet her sometime."

"Oh Lord... you told her about me?!", he sounded kind of anxious.

"Dont worry I didnt say anything that makes you look like..m the worst person ever. And I'm sure she would like you. You're both kind of alike now that I think about it."

"How so?", Gerard asked.

"I cant really tell... I just feel it. You're both very sensitive people. And I mean that In a positive way. You're so empathic. It seems like you can both feel the slightest shift in somebody's mood and you're both just... super sweet and loveable."

"Stop it! You're making me blush!"

I giggled.
"That's what I was going for"

I felt Gerard shift next to me again and was suddenly hit on the chest.

"Hey!", I exclaimed, making Gerard laugh.
"That's what you get!", he said.

I started laughing too.
We quickly got quiet again but this time - other than many times before - it didnt feel awkward.
I didnt feel the need to say anything to full the silence between us. There was no sort of pressure of a conversation.
It felt like we had said everything that needed to be said.

Just when I was about to drift off into a light slumber Gerard began to tall again.
"I'm sorry about kissing you", Gerard suddenly said, breaking the silence.

"What? Dont be sorry. I kissed you back. If anything I should be sorry."

"No, Frank. I... I dont know why I do it all the time. It just... it makes things easier and it just feels right sometimes. And I know that it's wrong because of our work relationship but... I dont know. I'm just sorry"

"Its okay, Gerard. We're both accountable for this and if I have to face the consequences now... then so be it."

"Consequences?", Gerard asked.

"Yeah", I said, "your brother literally caught us in the middle of kissing on the bed practically dry-fucking."

"Oh dont worry about him!", Gerard explained, "he doesn't really give a fuck. I talked to him and all he said was to use condoms so... really, dont worry about that. You're not going to lose your job or anything"

I felt relieved and disappointed at the same time.
Yes, I was happy that I wouldn't have to face bad consequences for this but on the other hand I didnt know if I wanted to work as Gerards caretaker anymore.
As I was walking the whole day I had a lot of time to think and I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be more to Gerard. But I felt like I could never be more to him if I stayed here as a servant.
But I didnt want to quit the job because it payed good money.
Ugh... I just cant make decisions for the life of mine.

"You know... i would really like to meet your mother", Gerard suddenly changed topics.

"That probably won't be possible. She cant leave the hospital. You could come with me next time I'll go see her but you would have to like... go outside for that and you made it pretty clear right away that you're not going to do that."

Gerard went quiet again but only for a fee seconds before he said:

"You know what? I think it's time for me to leave this damn house again"