Like Buttons On A Shirt

Chapter 24

I was 16 years old when I came out to my mother. She wasbt surprised at all.
She told me that she knew I wasnt straight when I was only seven years old.
When I came home from elementary school and asked her to paint my nails black.
She said that the fact that I wanted my nails to be painted wasn't actually what gave her the idea. No, she knew that I wasn't straight when I yelled at her for getting some polish on my cuticle, sighed dramatically and told her that I would do it "my dangy self".
Then I walked off into the living room waiting for her to put on my favourite movie "Barbie and the 12 dancing princesses". Okay... maybe that was an indication too but everybody that didn't like at least one barbie movie is lying.

At 16 I made it official. Well... it was very unplanned to be honest and if my mother hadn't walked in on me and Tim from 10th grade...
Let's say that coming out has never been my priority.
My mother was very accepting of course.

But I knew that even she wouldn't approve of what was happening here right now.
Gerard was my boss. I was supposed to take care of him. But this... this was far from what I was supposed to do.

Because when Gerard leaned forward to kiss me I didnt stop him. I let him put his lips onto mine, press them against each other in an almost desperate way.
And then I realised that Gerard was right. After his sudden hug and me cradling him afterwards things were already awkward between us. So if there was a perfect time to kiss him, it was now. And yes, I did imagine how his lips would feel like during the last few days. I just didnt want to admit it.

We just sat there, lips motionless pressed against each other. I didn't know what to do - like always. But I knew that I wasn't going to push him away. Even though this was inappropriate, he wanted and needed this. And so did I.

So i didnt push him away when he started to move his lips against mine. No, I kissed back. I gave him permission to use me the way he needed it right now.
Once he realised that I wasnt going to stop him he gained more confidence. He started kissing me faster and pushed himself up a little more to get into a more comfortable position. He was sitting on all fours while I was still awkwardly dangling my feet over the edge of the bed.
Suddenly my hands felt awkward doing nothing so I brought them up to his face - one cupping his cheek and one found it's way to Gerards hair, grabbing a fist full and tugging on it ever so slightly.

And low and behold, a small moan escaped Gerard's mouth and I swear on my father's grave that this was one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard in my entire life.

But this position still didnt satisfy me. Like I said, my legs were still dangling over the edge like I was a fucking child so I climbed up a little and pushed Gerard back - away from me.

As soon as our lips parted, Gerard opened his eyes. I could see fear in them. As if he was expecting me to push him off and laugh at him any minute.
Like hell I was gonna do that, duh.

"Wha-...", he started but I didn't give him any time to doubt my intentions.
I pusher him back so he was laying down again and climbed on top of him. As soon as I found a semi-comfortable position I crashed my lips back onto his. I could hear a sigh of relieve coming from him. He had no reason to be afraid.

I made sure not to press down on him too hard. First of all I wanted to give him the space he would need in case he wanted to stop this whole thing and secondly I didnt want him to feel my hard-on in my pants.
Yes, of course this turned me on.

My hands were doing their own thing by now, one going back to his head trying to grab onto his hair again becaus ehe seemed to like it. The other one slid down to his hips helping me hold myself up.

Gerard also didn't rest but let his own hands go over my back, trying to pull me down on him.

God... he was a great kisser. I didnt expect that. His lips were soft but not too wet to make this disgusting. I hated when the other person used too much saliva.
And his tongue pressing against my lips trying to open them was so fucking hot.
I granted permission to deepen this kiss by opening my mouth. I couldn't help but moan when my tongue finally met his.
But I wasn't the only one enjoying this.

Soon enough Gerard started to move his body. He thrust his hips upwards trying to meet my crotch and let's just say... his aim wasnt that bad.
Every time I could feel him press against me, my mind got more foggy. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't hold myself back any longer. If Gerard kept this little game up, I would have to give into my need to touch him in very inappropriate places.

I tried to get ny head back into reality but that was almost impossible with Gerard moving his lips in a way that was just too good to be true.

What the hell were we even doing here? How did that happen? Gerard was crying only a few minutes ago.
Minutes...? Hours...? I couldn't tell how long we've been kissing now. Time didn't seem to exist anymore.
But suddenly something clicked in my head.

I came back to reality like I've been hit in the face. Gersrd was still kissing me but I suddenly realised that this was nothing but one of his mood swings again. Just like his mood dropped within seconds when he was drawing.
I try to recall the moment before we kissed. The way he looked at me.
The look in his eyes.
So fierce and full of determination, almost daring.
And so fucking different from his red and puffy eyes he still had fron crying only mere minutes before.
Goddamnit.

Wasnt I the one who told him that there was something wrong with him? That this wasnt normal?
And now I was giving in to one of his moods. Just like that.
I didnt know shit about whatever mental illness this was but I was almost 100% sure that what I just did wasnt helpful.
And I even encouraged him, even though I didnt mean it like that.

Just like Gerard didnt mean... THIS.
This had nothing to do with feelings.

But I couldn't stop myself.
Even though I knew it was wrong I kept on kissing him. I told myself to stop after just one more kiss but I couldn't get away from him.

I didnt feel like i was taking advantage of him. No... he still likes it i could feel that. But i sure wasnt helping his condition.

And when Gerards hands slipped from my back to the rim of my jeans and started fumbling with the belt, I didnt know waht to do.

Again.