Like Buttons On A Shirt

Chapter 27

I've just about had it with Gerard.
Seriously... there was a lot I could take but he was acting irrational and I've had enough.
I already risked my job and was probably about to be thrown out anyway so I decided to just throw it out all the way.

I decided to talk to Mrs. Way about everything and tell her that she should force her son to go to therapy if that is what it takes. Because hiring strangers to take care of her son wasnt going to fucking work anymore.

The more I thought about it the angrier I got. Here I stood, trying to calm Gerard down but in the end it was me who needed to be calmed.
Because I was still feeling completely helpless. No matter what I said, Gersrd would always find something to talk against.

I think Gerard noticed my own change of moods because his expression changed from bratty to confused.
Yeah... I hope he enjoyed how this feels.

"Listen here Gerard", I practically hissed and pointed at him. He almost flinched.
I felt a little more powerful now that I was sure that he was really listening.
"I will not let you make me the problem here. Just because you have problems doesn't mean cant make me accountable for what YOU fucked up. Yes, we kissed yesterday and YES I did kiss back so it's my fault too I guess. But I am not the only one so stop acting like you can blame it all on me.
And I still mean what I said yesterday. You need to talk to someone because what you do is far from fucking normal!"

His eyes widened when I started speaking and by the time I was done he had started crying.
Fuck... I hated to see him cry.
But I couldn't turn back now.

"If nobody else wants to say it, then I will:
You need therapy. You need to see a professional about this. I can help you find someone if you want me to. I could talk to your mother about this so you dont have to. But please..."

"Shut up", Gersrd whispered.
I didn't hear him.

"Please just give this a chance and maybe you will be surprised by how much it can help you. Maybe-..."

"I said SHUT UP", Gerard suddenly screamed, making me jump.
I didnt expect that.

His eyes had narrowed but there were still tears streaming down his face. I didnt know if he was crying out of sadness or anger. Probably both.
It was probably best to shut up for real. I really couldn't say what Gerard would do if I didn't.

"Shut. Up", he repeated even though I hadn't said anything.

"You think I don't know that there's something wrong with me? I fucking know, Frank. And if I was to forget I'd still have my mother who reminds me every time she brings someone like you along. Do you think it's fun to be an adult and having your mom bring a fucking caretaker to your house like your a fuckibg toddler? It's not. And yeah... I am well aware of how stupid and fucked up it is to lay in bed all day not doing anything. But what else am I supposed to do? I can't sleep at night because for some dumb fucking reason I have to cry every time the halls get quiet because once theres silence in the house, my head gets louder and I am again reminded of how much i fucking hate myself. You think it's fun? To know you're stupid and lazy and a fuck up but being unable to change anything because you just dont know how?"

I was speechless.
Gerard had never been so open before and it was breaking my heart. I couldn't imagine how this must feel like hut the look of despair and sheer frustration gave me a pretty good idea.
Gerards eyes were puffy and red and he was breathing heavily.

"You don't know what it's like to feel like this. Theres a part of you that KNOWS that your thoughts are stupid. It knows that you're sick and that you need help and that you just cant do it on your own. But then there's this way stronger part that screams so loudly that you have a permanent fucking headache. And it tells you every day that you're not enough. That nothing you do will ever be enough and that even trying makes you look so fucking stupid and weak because you will fail every time you try. So you dont even bother. And then theres all the people my mother sends because she cant be fucking bothered to talk to her son herself. And they all look at you with pity or boredom or sometimes even disgust even though you didnt even so something yet."

I could hear the hurt in his voice. Every word coming from his mouth was throwing daggers through my heart.
I usually wasnt an empathic person but something about how Gerard was telling all this made me just... feel something.

And suddenly gersrd did something I've rarely seen him do.
He got out of bed.
He actually got up and started pacing the room. Like there was too much energy in his body to sit down.
I couldn't blame him. I probably wouldn't be able to sit done and do nothing while pouring my heart out.

"And none of those people care to stay. I tried to be nice, Frank, I really tried. But sometimes my moods get the beat of me and I start to be mean even though I dont even want to be. And that's when all of them leave because apparently my mom doesn't pay enough for them to deal with my stupid bullshit.
And then I sit there all alone at night crying like a fucking baby. And I really am a baby. When I sit there crying I suddenly think about how I want to be 10 again when I would only cry about a scraped knee. When my mom would come to comfort me. God, Frank, sometimes all that's going on in my head is 'I want my mommy. I need my mommy. Where is my mommy?' And that's super fucking embarrassing for a guy in his mid-twenties. But I can't help it and i really dojt know why I'm telling you all this."

I didnt know either. But I felt kind of honoured because it seemed like he had never told anyone before.
I swore to myself to not fuck it up this time.
One wrong word and he could hide inside of himself again.

"Gerard...", I started, "I-Im sorry that everything went the way it went. You're right... I dont know how it feels like but I know that you're neither stupid, lazy nor fucked up. But I do know that you're stronger than this. You're stronger than that part of you that's telling you you're not good enough. You even KNOW that you need therapy. I just dont understand what's keeping you from doing it."

"Its me. I am the one that's in my own way", he sighed and ran his hand through his hair. His while face was read but he still looked gorgeous.

"But... but how? Why dont you just... just give yourself a chance?", I asked.

"Because i dont deserve it, Frank. I want to die and I dont deserve anything else."