Like Buttons On A Shirt

Chapter 25

He started opening my belt and I started to freak out. Because I somehow felt like this was the point of no return. If I let him do this now, there would be no going back.
And again I remembered that this was nothing but his feelings getting the best of him.

So I did the only responsible thing and pushed myself off of him.
I let our lips part, even though I missed the feeling immediately and got a few feet away from the bed.

"Gerard i dont think we should do this", i said and tried to comb my hands through my hair. I dont know why but my hair just felt messy. Everything felt messy.

Gerard seemed to be in shock about my abrupt stop to this because he had to blink a few times and take a moment to redeem himself.
"Wh-What do you mean?!", he asked. His voice was higher that usual.
His eyes were full of pure panic.

"I mean... this....", I wildly gestured between the both of us, "this is wrong. Especially after you had a major mental breakdown just a few moments ago!"

Gerard looked at me dumbfounded.
And to my horror I could see tears welling up.
Oh fuck.
Oh no.

"No no no dont cry. Dont cry!", I said and got back to the bed.
But of course Gerard didn't listen and soon many salty water drops were coming out of his eyes.
"I fucking ruined it again", he hissed, "fucking hell. I'm such a fucking idot. Fuck fuck FUCK"
He screamed the last 'Fuck'.
I could see that he was rushing into another breakdown.

I sat back down on the bed and put my hand on his shoulder. I was happy that he didnt flinch or push me away.
"Gerard listen", I started, "you didnt do anything wrong. If anything I was the one going too far"

"You dont want me" Gerard didnt seem to listen to me at all.
"You dont want me and you only kissed me because you want to make fun of me, right? You're just like everybody else and I am such a fucking dumbass for believing you would actually find me attractive in any way. You think I'm pathetic, dont you? Say it! SAY IT!"

Okay... Gerard was full on crazy right now. I didnt know if a normal mental breakdown was supposed to look like this.
Now I knew that stopping Gerard had been a good idea. He was freaking out and I didnt know what to do.

"Gerard stop it! You know that's not true.", I tried to keep my voice low.
I knew that the other servants could hear us if we were too loud and I sure as hell wasnt going to face the gossip about Gerard and I.
Gerard was starting to rock back and forth, still crying and I am pretty sure I will never forget the look on his face. He wasn't angry or even sad or frustrated.
He was full on dead inside.

"Please Gerard. You dont know what you're saying. Please stop crying. Here... come here"

I opened my arms but he didn't move. So I got back onto the bed and put my arms around him. Hugging helped the last time, so maybe it would help now too.
To be honest... I was so close to crying myself. I felt so helpless like never before in my entire life.

"I do find you attractive. I wouldn't have kissed you in the first place if I didn't do so. You're not in the right mindset for anything else. Thats all. I... I want you so please.... please stop crying"
I was practically begging at this point.
And Gerard must have heard the desperation in my voice because he stopped the rocking and fell into me. He was still crying but at least I knew how to handle... THIS.

"You didnt do anything wrong", i said again, "this was fine, but i dont want to make you feel like you have to do something you dont feel comfortable with when yoire in your normal mindset, you know? You ARE attractive but this is not the right time."

We sat there like this, him still crying and me hugging him from the side, for god know how long. Long enough to make my back hurt, that's for sure.
But eventually I got Gerard to stop crying.
He pulled away from me and looked up to me.
I sighed in relief when I could see a glimpse of his normal self in his eyes. He didn't look as hopeless as he did before.

"I'm sorry", he said softly. His voice was slightly raspy from all the crying.
"I dont know what's gotten into me right now. I'm really sorry. I'd didn't mean what I said."

"I know", I replied even though I wasn't so sure about that. I didnt think that he was just randomly saying things. I was almost certain that he meant everything he said... at least in that moment. Maybe not anymore.
I didnt know.

"Its okay", I said, "let's just... forget that anything happened. Would that help you?"
Gerard nodded.
"Yes please. But with 'everything' do you mean the kiss, too?"

I hesitated. I didn't want to forget the kiss. It was amazing and an experience I've never had before.
But it would better for Gerard to just leave it where it is and forget about it altogether.

"Yes. That might me better", i said.

Part of me wanted him to disagree and say that he didnt want to forget and face the consequence for it. I was willing to do so if he was.
But he just nodded again.

"Yes... it is", he sighed.

And even though it hurt me a little, I could accept that.

After a few more moments of silence in which Gerard fully calmed down I decided it was time for me to go for tonight. I didnt even want to know hos late it was.

"We should both go to sleep. You must be very tired", I stated and got away from Gerard. I stepped off the bed and saw him yawn from the corner of my eye.
And even though this situation was far from being funny or even remotely great I couldn't help but smile. Gerard was cute. Especially when he was not fucking crying.

"Yes I am", he said.

Later when I laid in my own bed after saying goodbye to Gerard I felt like crying again.
What the hell had I gotten myself into?
I honestly didnt know how to deal with what happened just now.

We agreed on forgetting about everything.

But as I was tossing and turning for what felt like eternity I replayed the kiss over and over again in my head.

And I realised:
Forgetting would be harder than I thought.