NANNY FOR MENDES.

Forty-four

𝗦𝗢𝗣𝗛𝗜𝗔'𝗦 𝗣𝗢𝗩

Shawn pulls me behind him to his bedroom. We're gonna talk. Or I'm gonna talk. I just want him to listen to my reasons. And apologize.

He sits on his bed, his back against the headboard.
I sit across from him, crossing my legs. I take one if his hands in both of mine. I caught him off-guard. He looks at our hands, then at me, in the eyes. I stare back at him, looking him in the eye, never breaking the eye contact while explaining.

"Look, Shawn. First of all, I'm so sorry. I really am. You have to know that I never meant to hurt you. Ever. I'd never want to hurt you. You were right. I led you on, and for that I'm sorry, too. I did lead you on and that was very wrong.

"I like you, a lot. You have no idea how much I do, Shawn. But I can't do anything about those feelings, though. And before you cut me off, just listen to my reasons. And I have several ones.

"Look Shawn. I don't want to get attached to someone and end up losing them."

"You're talking about.... your father?"

"And my mother. I loved my dad, still do. I never hated him. But when he did what he did, I lost both of him and Mom. Mom just.... changed. She became someone else completely. And I couldn't help her. That just....hurts." I feel tears on my cheek.

"I had no idea how to help her. I lost her, Shawn. Yes, she's better. But she's not over him. Not even close. She pretends to be. But it takes a lot of effort and time and patience to get over an 18-year marriage and 20-year love story."

He wipes my tears with his free hand.

"And I don't want to end up getting hurt by someone I love."

"You think I'm gonna hurt you?"

"Who knows? You turn into someone else when you're angry or upset. But no, I'm not talking about this. It's okay." I shrug. "I can handle your mood swings."

"So....what exactly?" He asks. And then realization hits him. "You think I'll hurt you like your father?"

"Hell no. I'm not comparing you to Dad. Not at all. This isn't fair to you. Comparing you to Dad is like comparing chocolate to a chair."

"A chair and chocolate can't be compared to each other."

"Exactly. I can't compare you to him. You're nothing like him, Shawn. You're so so much better than he is or will ever be. But, I was hurt, Shawn. A lot. He hurt Mom. He hurt me. And I'm kind of..... This kinda....scares me when I'm in a relationship. Or in this case, almost-relationship."

"I'd never leave you. I'd never hurt you the way he did."

"I know this. I know."

"And...what about Raul?"

"My son loves you Sophia." He shakes his head, smiling.

"That doesn't mean he'd want me to date you for God's sake!" I say, in mocking frustration.

"He'd love for me to date you."

"I don't know, Shawn. Bear went through a lot, you know, with the divorce. I don't think he'd be ready to see his father date someone. I mean someone other than his mother."

"Don't worry about Bear."

"What about Mom? She's gonna kill me. She's so against me dating my boss."

"She knows?"

"She knows I like you, but I didn't tell her anything else. I haven't talked to her about....us in a while."

"Mmm. I don't think your mother would mind. She'd want you to be happy."

"I don't know."

"But.... you still don't want to be with me."

"Shawn. I'm not ready for a relationship. Not right now, at least. It's not about you. At all. You take it personally. It's not you at all Shawn.

"I...was hurt in the past, Shawn. Not just Mom and Dad.....something happened to me in the past Shawn. It left me hating relationships altogether."

"Okay." He sighs. "As you wish. I won't push you into anything. I'll wait for you. I'll wait until you're ready. You like me, right?"

"I do."

"Then I'll wait for you."

"No you won't."

"Yes, I will."

I can't suppress my smile anymore.

"You'll have to wait a long time then."

"I don't give a fuck." He shrugs.

"Okay. Don't say, I didn't warn you." I smile widely.

"I'm relieved that we had this conversation. I really am. Thank you, Shawn, for giving me a chance to explain."

"I think I owed you a chance to explain after I made this worried."

"Hell yes!" I slap him on his chest.

"Oh by the way! I almost forgot. Are you coming to Pickering with me tomorrow?"

"Yes. Mom said yes. So I'm coming."

He leans in and hugs me. It happened so quickly. But I react. I put my arms on his back and pat it.

He pulls back. "Sorry. I reacted."

"No problem."

"Oh my God. It's 3 AM." I look at the clock on his wall.

"Holy shit."

"Oh yeah. I'm gonna sleep if I want to wake up for Pickering. Goodnight Shawn."

"Goodnight Soph."

I go to Bear's room and sleep next to my favorite 8-year-old.