NANNY FOR MENDES.

Hundred-twenty-six

𝗦𝗢𝗣𝗛'𝗦 𝗣𝗢𝗩

I feel broken, defeated, devastated, sad. I've never felt this bad in my life. This feels even worse than when my dad left Mom. Way worse. Much much worse.

I love him so much. And I miss him. But, I'm also hurt, by him. It's weird that the person who loves you the most in this world can also hurt you the worse in this world.

It's been a couple of days since that night, and I'm calmer. Now that I'm feeling calmer, I can think straight.

I know that Shawn wouldn't hurt me this way. But I also can't be a hundred percent sure because I don't know what happened before I came home that day. Or what led to this kiss. Or why she was there. That's why I need to hear his side of the story, but I'm just not ready. Seeing him hurts. Hearing his voice hurts. Smelling his scent hurts. Everything about him hurts.

I know that Christina is to blame. She might be the only one to blame. But then again, I wasn't home that day, and he shouldn't have let her in. They were all alone that day in our house. That was wrong and it's definitely Shawn's fault.

Did he kiss her? I don't know. My heart is telling me that he wouldn't do it. But my mind is telling me to believe what I've seen with my own eyes. I really don't know who to listen to, my heart or my mind.

Him coming here.... shows that he cares. Him calling my dad shows that he cares. If he doesn't care about me, if he cares about her, why would he even come here? Right? Maybe he's pretending to care, who knows?

No, I'm overthinking. He does care. When he looked at me right before leaving, that look said a lot.

Dad visited. What does that even mean? He said he and Shawn were looking for me. What does that say?
He definitely wants to form a relationship with me, I know this. But, I pushed him away. I screamed at him in Shawn's office. Does this mean he cares? He loves me? I should give him a chance. He's probably not as bad as I think he is.

My eyes hurt, my body hurts, I have a headache, all because I haven't stopped crying for a couple of hours since Dad left this room.

The door knocks. Again.

Whether it be Shawn, or Dad, they're leaving. I get out of bed. I open the door, and it's Shawn.

I prepare myself to yell, to tell him to leave. But I don't have the energy. And I miss him. I need to be in his arms so bad. Whenever something is bothering me or hurting, I always go for him. His arms. What if he's the one hurting me? What do I do?

I allow myself one moment of weakness and throw myself into his arms. He instantly reacts; he wraps his arms around me, and holds me tightly.
And I let all out. The devastation, the sadness, the defeat, the anger, the breaking of my heart.

Here, in his arms is where I need to be. It's exactly where I belong.

*******************************************
𝗦𝗛𝗔𝗪𝗡'𝗦 𝗣𝗢𝗩

I was so right. She needed me. And I'm fucking ecstatic. There's hope. She still loves me.

But the look of defeat on her face when she opened the door. It's like she wanted to scream at my face but couldn't. She's exhausted.

I grip her thighs, and pull her up. She wraps her legs around my hips, her arms around my neck and rests her head on my shoulder.

I walk inside the room, and kick the door shut. Then sit in the recliner, and put her on my lap.

"Shhhh. It's okay." I soothe her, rubbing her back.

"No, it's not. You might have or might have not cheated on me with Christina. Dad comes here. No, it's not and I feel so bad, Shawn. So, so bad." She whispers, weakly.

Cheated on me with Christina?

"Soph—"

"Not now. Just hold me, Shawn."

I nod, and do just what she asks me to. I hold her without saying anything, just like she did, all those months ago, in our beginning.

********************************************
𝗦𝗢𝗣𝗛'𝗦 𝗣𝗢𝗩

After what feels like hours, I pull back and look at him.

"Hey." He smiles at me.

I'm in his fucking lap.

I get up quickly and go sit on the edge of the bed.

He follows me.

"Keep some distance."

"Soph..."

"No."

"But you were just in my lap!"

"Are throwing it in my face, or what?!"

"God no! I thought it was okay to sit close to you since you were in my lap. That's it."

"No, it's not okay. It was a moment of weakness. And it's my fault."

"It's a moment of weakness and it's your fault that you were in my arms?! I'm your fucking fiancé!" Angry Shawn.

"The audacity! Are you angry? If someone should be angry, it's me!"

"Ugh! Ugh!"

"And yes, you're my fucking fiancé. The fiancé whose lips were on another woman's lips. The woman who dumped him! For my ex-fucking boyfriend!" I yell angrily.

The look of hurt on his face.... no, Sophia. Don't feel bad.

"Shawn...."

"No, you're right. She did dump me for your ex. But you don't have to throw it in my face like this."

"I'm sorry. Fuck!" I throw my face in my hands. I feel a hand on my back, and wince.

I get up, off the bed. "Look, I'm sorry if I took advantage of you, and I'm thankful that you were a support to me just a few minutes ago but I really need you to go."

He looks me in the eye for a few seconds, then nods, and walks towards the door.

"Shawn."

He stops, looking at me over his shoulder.

"I'm sorry for saying what I did. I really am."

"I know." He says without looking at me, opens the door, and leaves.

The moment he leaves, I retrieve my phone and call Mom.

"Soph, baby."

"Mom..."

"You made us all worried."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"Can I come over? I know you didn't move out yet, but I need somewhere to stay."

"Of course."

"Thank you."