NANNY FOR MENDES.

Hundred-twenty-two

𝗦𝗛𝗔𝗪𝗡'𝗦 𝗣𝗢𝗩

No, no, no, no. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! She takes the fucking stairs. She's never, ever taken them before. Does she really not want be around me that fucking much? Fuck. There's no point following her. When she needs space, I have to give to her. If I push it, she'll go further away. I mean, after what she witnessed that's the least thing I could do. Give her some fucking space.

So I walk back into my apartment. I'm fucking raging. I clinch my fists, hearing the pound of my heart. I'm going to fucking kill her.

When I step inside, she's still here. She's soothing Bear, who started crying as soon as Soph ran out of the house.

"It's okay, baby."

"It's not. Mommy ran out of the house!"

"I am your mommy, Bear."

"Christina. Get the fucking hell out of here right fucking now or so God fucking help me, I will do something I'll fucking regret."

"So much swearing—"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!"

She jumps and gasps.

"CHRISTINA. GET OUT!"

Bear hides under the coffee table. Oh my God. This is so out of control. This whole situation is so very messy. Fuck. This is a familiar scene to Bear.

"Get out, and don't EVER come back here. If you ever show up here again, I'll call the cops." I say, more calmly, for Bear's sake.

"Shawn..."

"Christina, I'm so fucking serious right now. Leave. Just fucking leave. My fiancée might not look at my face again because of you. So just fucking leave! I don't want to see your fucking face right now!"

"I'm so sorry... I didn't mean for this to happen...."

"Why did you fucking kiss me?"

"I-I... because... I—"

"Just fucking leave."

She takes her purse off of the couch, looks at me one last time—as if she's memorizing my face because she knows she likely won't see me again—and leaves.

I go quickly to the coffee table and kneel beside it. I look under it, and find my son crying, his hands against his ears. Oh my fucking God. This is bad.

"Bear, come out."

"No. I'm scared of you."

Holy fucking shit. I sigh, exhaustedly and try again.

"Bear. You know Daddy will never hurt you."

"You were yelling so loud at Mommy! I'm scared you will yell at me like this, too."

"I won't. Come out." I try my best to smile.

He hesitates, but finally comes out. I sit on my haunches and open my arms for him.

He runs into them, and cries. He's scared of me. Fucking hell. I swore I'd never make him see this side of me ever again, but I couldn't fucking control it. It's like someone else was controlling me, and was making me act on my extreme anger.

"I want Mommy back."

"Me too..."

I don't know that Soph will look at my face. Or let me explain. She must know that I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't hurt this way. I know what being cheated on feels like. She knows as well. She has been through it before, and I wouldn't put her this again.
But what she saw was me and Christina kissing. She doesn't know that Christina kissed me. She doesn't know that she showed up unannounced. And Christina's timing to kiss me was so bad, it's almost planned. Wait, what if it was planned?
No, she wouldn't go that far. But if she did plan this, then I don't know what I'll do. I'm going to fucking kill her, that's for sure. I have to remind myself that she's a fucking woman, and that I don't hurt women physically. Ever. And also, that she's Bear's mother. I have to respect this. But, God. She makes it so fucking hard.

I fucking hate you, Christina.

**********************************************
𝗦𝗢𝗣𝗛'𝗦 𝗣𝗢𝗩

It's like the whole fucking world is against me. Dad showed up suddenly into my life. I confront him and it hurt. Now, this.

I'm so hurt. So so hurt. I can't put how hurt I am into words. God, please help me. I don't deserve this.

I'm in a hotel room. Thank God my purse was around my body when I ran. Otherwise, I wouldn't have paid for the hotel. I didn't use my card because Shawn would track it and know where I am. Which is the last thing I want.

Speaking of Shawn.... even his name fucking hurts me. Did he really cheat on me? Even if he didn't, I need some time apart. I need some time to process this, to sink it all in. I need some fucking time to get that fucking image out of my fucking head.

The digital clock indicates that it's 4 in the morning. Has it really been long? It feels like time is passing so fucking slowly.

My phone started ringing about a couple of hours after I ran, so I shut it off. I'm sure Shawn asked Aaliyah and Noah, and probably Mom, too. And I'm sure that they all texted and called a million times, too. And I'm SO not ready to face them all.

I want this pain to go away. I wish I'd never met Shawn.
No. That's wrong. If this pain is what it takes to love him, then I'll endure it. If this pain is the price for meeting Bear, and Noah, and Aaliyah, and Manny, and Karen, then I'll pay it. Because I'm a pathetic girl who's so very in love with her man. Even if he did cheat, I'll still love him. I'll always love him.

And because I love him so much, this pain coming from him is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me.

Would I be willing to take him back if he did cheat? I don't know. The answer should be a firm no. But when you're so in love, you tend to follow your heart. And my heart is telling me that I'll forgive him and take him back if he really did the unthinkable. Which is what I shouldn't do. But what my heart wants, and what I should do are two completely different things.

When they said "the heart wants what it wants," I never actually understood until this very moment

Shawn Peter Raul Mendes, I love you. Always will, no matter what.