The Heartless (Original Version)

Forbidden Chapters

V. Burnt

Lust for vengeance. This is what I always want.

Pain and just... pure pain. This is what I always feel. In my heart.

I know. I've always known that I'm going to die at a very young age because of my condition.

Sa napakamurang edad, naranasan na ng katawan ko ang dumaan sa isang napakatinding operasyon. I was kidnapped for a heart transplant. My biological heart was replaced with a metal one. An artificial heart. A fake one...

It was just an experiment, but they succeeded. Not just with creating a genius machine, but also with creating a one heck of a fighter.

Kailanman hindi ko naranasang hingalin, kabahan, o tumibok nang mabilis ang puso. This brilliant piece of metal they put in me lets me breathe easily during times that I should've run out of breath. It will also take a lot longer to drown me. This heart is perfectly made to keep my blood pumping in my system at regular speed at all times.

I enjoyed my life as a fighter. I savored the perks of having a tireless heart. Because I thought of it as a gift.

But that's where I went wrong. It is a plain curse. It took more from me than what it gave.

My mother, who was also there with me and my father when we were kidnapped, has gone missing after letting me escape first. After that tragedy, my father was left with no choice but to hide me in the mountains. We spent our entire time there training and planning... and missing my mother—his so-beloved wife.

I thought training with such a heart and great fighters as my teachers would render me superior apprenticeship. But it was not long after I began training that my body started acting bizarrely.

My movements were so slow; I can't run as fast as I should be. I was so relaxed that I could not think quickly especially when necessary. So I had to improve my senses instead: olfactory, perception, hearing, taste, touch, and photographic and storage memory.

We improved my senses so that I wouldn't need speed to react to offenses. They helped me build my instinct so that I would be able to protect myself.

With speed, one can dodge attacks. But with instinct, one can prevent the attack before it can even start. And in my case, I can even reverse the game. I can attack the enemy before they can even do so to me.

Hindi natapos ang problema namin doon. Mahigit isang taon matapos ang operasyon ko, nagsimula na ang sa tingin ko'y pinakasumpa ng puso ko.

Nagsimula akong magsuka ng dugo. Ng marami at sariwang dugo. Ang mas matindi'y nakadarama pa 'ko ng matinding pananakit sa bandang kaliwang dibdib ko. Napakasakit na akala ko'y mamamatay na ko. Akala namin nung una'y dahil lang iyon sa matindi kong pagsasanay o kung anong sakit na nakalap ko sa kagubatan.

Ngunit naging mas madalas ang pananakit niyon. Sa tuwing sobra kong naiisip ang ina ko, sa tuwing sobrang lungkot ko o galit, laging sumasakit ang dibdib ko.

Nalaman lang namin na may kinalaman ang mga pagsakit sa metal na nasa ibuturan ko nang minsang nalungkot ako nang todo dahil sa sobrang pagkasabik sa ina ko. Sumobra kasi ang dugong naisuka ko noon.

We all concluded that severe emotions can cause me literal pain in my heart. That this piece of shit inside me is preventing me from feeling anything.

Napagpasyahan ng ama kong ipadala ako sa Pilipinas para bumuo ng isang grupo ng mga taong kasing edad ko at tulad ko'y nagdaan din sa matinding pagsasanay. Sa tingin niya kasi'y hindi ko kakayanin mag-isa. Kailangan ko ng mapagkakatiwalaan ko at mag-aalaga sakin. Higit sa lahat, kailangan kong malayo sa Japan sapagkat napag-alaman naming pinaghahanap pa rin kami ng may gawa sakin nito. Idagdag pa na marami ang nagpapapatay sa pamilya namin.

My father committed suicide.

Pinalabas niyang kasama niya akong namatay sa sumabog niyang kotse. Iniwan niya ko sa Pilipinas. Iniwan niya ko sa pangangalaga ng pinakamatalik na kaibigan ni Mama na ngayo'y itinuturing kong ama.

I am Yuki Matsuda. Yuki means snow—winter snow. My foster dad had a daughter who was born dead. But no one knew that because I replaced his daughter.

Para sa kapakanan ko'y ako ang pinalabas niyang anak. Ang pangalan ko na ngayon ay Winter Snow Alvarez.

And now that I'm already sixteen, my plan is just beginning.

Pumikit ako nang mariin at marahas na pinilas ang papel na sinusulatan ko. Walang pagdadalawang-isip kong sinindihan iyon gamit ang lighter at saka itinapon sa basurahang metal upang doon masunog nang tuluyan.

Damn. What was I thinking? Writing a diary? Really? Nababaliw na ako. Fuck.