Addicted

Broken or Fixable?

I woke up the next morning leaning against the wall in the closet with Angie still in my arms sleeping. I had to figure out how to fix this incredible mess I've caused. I didn't want to wake her so I stayed put. I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and sighed. I'm such a fucking piece of shit. She's never going to forgive me and I can't blame her one bit. I wouldn't forgive me either. I don't even know how to explain why. I put my head back and closed my eyes. I couldn't get the sound of her terrified voice screaming 'I love you' or the look in her eyes out of my head.  I just wanted this all to go away and to go back to where we were before everything spiraled out of control.

She stirred a little and I wrapped my arms around her a little tighter. I was so scared she was going to just leave and I couldn't take the idea of her leaving because of what I did. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. For the first time ever I was afraid to face her. She raised her head a little and looked at me with such profound sadness and it broke my heart. At least she wasn't trying to pull away from me or leave.

"Did you want to go out there and maybe talk?"

She thought about it for a second and then slightly nodded. I helped her to her feet and put my arm around her as we walked. We stopped at the couch and sat down. She pulled her knees to her chest and sat in a ball watching my every move. She didn't trust me at all and I had no one to blame but myself. I sat as close as I could without, at least I thought, causing stress. It was so surreal to think about just how much had changed in the last 18 hours. I reached out for her hand and she backed away

"I'm sorry. I won't over step my boundaries. Just relax."

"Why?"

It was so hushed and muffled I could barely understand her. I was afraid this was going to be asked first. I just didn't really have a good answer for her. I wish I did.

"I honestly don't know Angie. I've never done something like that before. I...I wish I hadn't. I wish I could take it back.  You don't know how much I wish that."

She nodded and folded her arms on her knees and rested her head

"Angie...I'm so incredibly sorry. I know what I did was unforgivable.  My heart hurts so much because of what I've done. I know things will never be the same. I just don't want you to hate me or be afraid of me. You know I would never intentionally do anything to ever hurt you. I love you so much Angie. I know I ruined everything.  I'd do anything to fix this and make it right. Please Angie let me try."

It was silent for a few minutes. I sat patiently waiting for something to be said all the while realizing that everything she worked so hard to overcome was for nothing. She was right back to where she was before and in some ways it was worse. I just wanted to hold her.

"Can we go home?"

My eyes got wide and I slowly looked up at her. She was looking at me and I missed the sparkle in her eyes.

"Yeah. You're sure you want to come home with me?"

"Can I trust you?"

"Yes. I promise I won't hurt you."

She shook her head "Stop making that promise. You've broken it twice now."

Angie's POV

I've always been one who's been able to forgive, but not forget. It wasn't about forgiveness right now. It was about trying to figure out where to go from here. I always SWORE that I'd NEVER put up with a man laying his hands on me. After the things I saw growing up I never wanted to be my mother. But the truth is I love him so much. I knew deep down I'd never walk away from this. Even though the smart thing to do would be to just cut it now and leave...I couldn't and I wouldn't. I looked at him in the eyes and I could see he was sorry. I knew he was. I knew he didn't mean it. He lowered his gaze

"I'm just so sorry Angie. I've let you down so much."

Every inch of me hurt and was sore, but I reached over and wiped his cheeks. He looked up at me

"Angie I'm sorry"

"I know."

He took my hand and held it for a long time. Part of me wanted to pull away, but I needed to trust him again. I gingerly crawled closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder as he carefully wrapped his arms around me. I felt him kiss the top of my head and I smiled.

"I love you Angie"

"I love you too Jon. Always"

"You still want to go home?"

I nodded "Yes. I think we need to be alone for a while."

I cuddled a little closer and rest my head on his chest and sighed. I was so tired...emotionally and physically. I yawned and dozed off listening to the steady beat of his heart.