Addicted

The Never Ending Cycle

We stepped inside of his locker room and I quickly headed to the bathroom and closed the door and turned on the faucet to drown out my crying. I knew I'd never be able to completely hide that from Jon, but I needed to get it all out before trying to talk to him. I sat on the floor with my back against the concrete wall, twirling my wedding ring around my finger. I knew better than to let Danielle get the better of me, but I was convinced that this time she was telling the truth

"Angela, please open the door. I know something is wrong. Please talk to me" he pleaded as he knocked

I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand and blew my nose. The last thing I wanted to do was start a fight or an argument, but I knew that if I didn't at least hear him out this was going to cause nothing but problems down the road. I was just afraid that everything Danielle said was true. I would be completely devastated if he really did cheat on me while we were engaged.

I stood up and came out of the bathroom with my head down. Jon came over and took my hand and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. I closed my eyes and sighed, taking in the scent of peppermint gum and cigarettes and trying to work up the courage to start this conversation. He held me close and softly stroked my hair. I couldn't believe that there was all of this self doubt in me. It just felt so unreal.

"Angie, what happened? Please tell me. I hate the silence."

I felt the tears welling up again as he pulled me back and gently lifted my chin to look at him. He wiped the tears from my cheeks and kissed the tip of my nose. My heart was racing. How could I even have this conversation with him right now? My hands started to shake and he took them in his and gave them a little squeeze

"Hey...what's going on?"

I sighed "I love you"

He half smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear "I love you too Angie. What is this about?"

"You never cheated on me or anything like that since we got back together right?"

He let go of my hands and pulled away, and crossing his arms across his chest.  He gave me an annoyed look and I knew instantly this was a big mistake.

"Why do you ask?"

"Just answer me. Have you?"

"I want to know why you suddenly want to ask this? Who are we talking about?"

I hesitated, but it was too late at this point. I couldn't back away from this conversation now if I wanted to. He raised his eyebrows at me waiting for an answer

"Danielle"

I mumbled and looked down waiting for him to blow up on me or have some kind of reaction. It was just silent. I slowly raised my eyes with tears streaming down my cheeks. He wasn't denying it. He wasn't admitting it either, but the silence told me the answer

"......why?"  I whispered

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want the truth"

"So you want me to tell you want you want to hear?"

"Yes or no, Jon"

He was pissed at me. I could tell just by the way he was avoiding the questions and the way he was sighing.

"Yes."

"........why?"

"What do you want me to say Angie? You dragged out the engagement far longer than you needed to. You wouldn't let me touch you.  You freaked out all of the time. You had nightmares and you saw things.  I'm a man. I have needs. And my patience with everything was wearing thin. I needed a way to de-stress."

"I had just been drugged, raped and left for dead. You expected me to just get over it and move on? How cold could you be Jon?"

"I was trying Angie. I was trying to be patient and understanding, but I failed. Ok. I failed."

I started to sob hysterically and scream at him "Why do you always go back to her!!?? Didn't you think of me? Or Bailey?? Didn't you think of us?? Don't you love us? Don't you love ME?"

"You leave Bailey out of this. This is between you and I. Don't you drag her into our problems as a way to make me feel bad or guilty. I already feel bad enough as it is."

I pushed him as hard as I could in the chest and slapped him across the face. His jaw clenched in anger and I could see his blood started to boil

"Don't touch me like that again. I mean it"

"Why do you keep doing this to me? It's like you get off on the idea of hurting and devestating me!"

I pushed him again only this time he pushed me back and I fell to the floor. I slowly got up, sobbing. He sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his hair in annoyance. He turned his back to me and I walked out of the door. I started looking for the only person I could think of. I ended up at the entrance to catering and saw Danielle fawning all over Colby. I stood and watched as she put her hands on his chest to laugh, rest her head on his shoulder and ran her fingers through his hair. I couldn't explain why this just made me even more upset. We locked eyes for a second before I turned and went the other direction, sobbing.

"Angie...wait"

I turned around a few corners and wound up on the other side of the building in a dark, unused hallway. I leaned against the wall and slid down. I pulled my knees to my chest, folded my arms over my knees and put my head down to cry into my arms. I didn't know what to do.  I heard footsteps coming, but ignored them until the unmistakable smell of Herbal Essence shampoo gave away that it was Colby. Before he could even say anything I threw myself against him and cried into his chest. He pulled me up and held me close

"Ang, what's wrong?"

I pulled away and looked up at him and half smiled. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He smiled at me and wiped the tears from my cheeks. I leaned in and kissed him. He pulled away somewhat stunned and just looked at me, studying everything about this situation. I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered in his ear

"I want you Colby."

Without hesitation he backed me against the wall and started kissing me. I fumbled with the button on his pants and he smiled behind the kiss as he reached down and lifted me up. I didn't even care anymore. The last thing on my mind was whether or not I was hurting someone and whether or not this was completely wrong.