Addicted

Never Again

Jon helped me to my feet and pulled me to him and held on tight. I wanted very much for us to be happy and be a family, but the hitting, the violence had to stop. I would never want our child exposed to that the way my sister and I were. It was awful and it ruined our lives. Now that Jon knew a million new things started running through my head. What if he didn't want this? What if he leaves me? What if he ends up resenting me? What if I end up resenting him??

"What are you thinking about Angie?"

"Hmm?  Nothing really. I mean I have a million things running through my head right now. I'm not sure what to think I guess...I don't know..."

He pulled me back and ran his fingers through my hair and smiled. This was the Jon that I loved so much. The one who was so sweet and caring and made me feel like the only girl in the world. The Jon that I see every day is not the one everyone else sees and our friends don't really understand because all they see is the aftermath of our fights. Maybe I shouldn't go running to them every time something goes wrong.

"You know you can tell me anything Angie. I don't understand why you're always trying to hide things from me. Are you that afraid of me or what my reaction might be?"

I looked up at him. I wanted to scream YES at the top of my lungs, but I knew that wasn't a good idea. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but the reality is that I hid things because I never knew which Jon I was going to get in response to whatever it is that I was hiding.

Jon's POV

This was a lot to take in. I never thought she'd hide something like this from me. I never thought she was that afraid of me either, but it's written all over her face. It makes me feel like a completely rotten human being, but I guess my actions earlier prove it. I wish she knew how horrible it makes me feel to do that to her when I get angry. I know I shouldn't, I just don't know how to control myself when I get that angry. I love it when things are good with us. But when things are bad they're horrible and they escelate quickly. I kept looking in her striking blue eyes thinking about our future and I just wanted to hold her forever and never let go. I never thought I'd ever feel this way about her. I didn't even give a shit when I first met her. I just wanted to get her in bed and move on, but she changed that. She changed a lot of things about me that I never expected.

"Angie? Can we sit down and talk for a little while? I think there's some things that need to be said."

She sat down on the other end of the couch away from me. I didn't want her to feel afraid of me all of the time. It completely kills me that she's spent all this time afraid to tell me things. I moved a little closer to her and took her hand as she sat biting the nails on her other hand

"Are you sure you're alright?"

She nodded and looked down.

"Ang just tell me what's on your mind. Don't hold back. Please. I want you to be honest with me and now that I know you hide things from me a lot because you're afraid it makes me sad. I don't want you to be afraid of me Angie. I love you.  You know that right?"

We sat in silence for a few minutes. The longer we sat the more it broke my heart. She was genuinely afraid to be upfront with me. She finally sighed

"Anything?"

"Yes, anything."

"I'm afraid of a lot of things now that you know. I'm afraid you're not going to want to do this, I'm afraid you're going to leave me, that we're going to resent each other, that I'm going to be sitting at home getting fat and ugly and you're going to be running around with Danielle and Eva Marie and anyone else you can get your hands on. I love you so much and we keep fighting and it gets out of hand and I know I shouldn't put up with it or even stay with you, but I can't leave. I can't go. I just...I just love you too much and I walk around tip toeing around you completely afraid that saying the wrong thing is going to turn into something violent.  And I can't have that if we're going to become parents. I don't want my child to grow up like I did. I just want us to be happy all of the time...not some of the time...not when I'm not saying or doing the wrong thing.  Sometimes I think you just keep me around because you don't want Colby to have me"

I was trying to keep up with everything that she was throwing at me, but the last line hurt a lot. I took a few minutes to let it all sink in before responding. I just wanted to hold her and fix everything

"Angela I don't know where to start. You threw a lot of things at me at once so I guess I'll just go for it. Angie I am madly in love with you. I would never just keep you around because I don't want Colby to have you. I keep you around because you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love you with all of my heart. I could never get rid of you. Just like I would never just randomly start sleeping with Danielle or Eva Marie again. I want this to work. I want us to be a family and be happy all of the time. I know things get out of control and escalate quickly but I'm just so sorry. I don't like hurting you and it breaks my heart that you are afraid of me and afraid to tell me things. I want you to trust me and believe that I would never hurt you...not anymore. I don't want our baby to grow up like I did or like you did. Ang I swear things are going to change."