Tissues - Logicality AU

Ch. 23 - Numb

Patton's p.o.v.

30 Minutes Earlier...

"L-Logan, I..." I began, barely able to form a sentence. I felt like I was actually gonna do it. I was gonna break things off with Dan and be with Logan. All I could feel is the rush of hope and happiness that I had at the mere thought of marrying Logan. 

I smiled a bit. I finally knew the answer. I was finally gonna do it. 

And then my phone went off. The ringtone was Dan's ringtone, indicating he had texted me. I looked at Logan to ask for permission to get it and he nodded. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and saw a single notification. 

(6:45 p.m.) Dan 💛: 
                   Hey Im going home to give u some space. Im sorry I overeacted today Ive just been rly  worked up abt the wedding. Im gonna give u some space. Ily, sweetheart. Never forget that. 

Never forget that. 

The last sentence replayed in my mind like a broken record. Even though I was the one who slammed the door and provoked him, he didn't blame me this time. Which felt nice. And he never gives me space. And he said he loves me. 

Maybe he really is improving. Maybe he's finally changing for the better. If that's the case, then leaving him would be an even bigger mistake. I couldn't live with myself if I left him right as he decided to make a difference. 

I looked up at Logan, who was eagerly awaiting my answer. Just like every time I'm with him, all of my instincts are to be with him. So why can't I? I sigh, already knowing the answer. Even if it hurts me, even if I don't feel great doing it, it's the morally right thing to do. I can't just abandon my morals just to be with Logan. 

"I-I can't..." I whispered, my hands falling to my sides. I watched as Logan's face went from hopeful to absolutely lifeless. The guilt began to rush in like a tsunami. I know how hurt he is, and yet I just stand here and reject him. 

"But..but why? I-It is completely illogical i-if we both have requited feelings for one another and..and we do nothing about it."

"Logan..it's not that simple. I really wanna be with you, but it's not right. I can't do that." 

"I..I don't understand." Logan said. 

I felt my heart breaking apart. "I know, I just...let's stay friends, ok? I still want you in my life." 

He just nodded, but he wouldn't meet my eyes. He held his hand out for a handshake. I, like a routine, stepped closer to give him a hug, but he took a step back. I stopped in my tracks and felt the tears fighting to get out. We shook hands like we were merely coworkers. 

"I..I should go home." I whispered. He nodded and grabbed his keys off the counter. 

"I will see to it that you get home." He said, and opened the door. He didn't wait for me. He just walked straight to his car and buckled in. I walked to the car and got in beside him. He began to drive me home, and neither of us said anything the entire ride. As soon as he pulled up on the sidewalk, I opened the door and got out. 

"Goodbye." He said simply as I shut the door. He immediately drove away, and I watched his car until it was out of sight. I stood in place, and all I could think of was him. How I hurt him. The tears finally began falling from my face as I walked to my dorm. I unlocked the door and opened it. 

"Yeah, he left like 5 minutes ago--Patton!" Virgil exclaimed, holding a phone to his ear. I saw the complete worry written all over his face. I just shrugged and looked down at my feet. 

"Ro, I'll call you back." He said and put his phone down, immediately walking over to me. 

"Patton, where've you been all day? I've been worried sick! I thought Remus took you or..or--"

He kept on going, telling me about how worried he was. I didn't mean to worry anyone. Quite honestly, I didn't think he'd notice I was gone. Yet my mind just went in circles, feeling guilty about rejecting Logan, and then Dan, and then back to Virgil. I can't do it. 

I can't.

I begin shaking as I feel the tears finally fall. I let out a sob as I kept thinking about all the things I've done. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I held onto Virgil but I felt like I wasn't really there. 

"Patton, Pat, hey.." He said and wrapped his arms around me and hugging me. "Just breathe, Pat. Breathe..." he whispered. 

I shook my head.

"Breathe." He said quietly, yet more sternly. 

After a few more moments I started to take his advice and tried to control my breathing. I eventually relaxed, but I just..felt like I just wanted to give up. I tried to fight against the lingering guilt and I lost. I felt like I couldn't cry, I couldn't be angry, scared. I just felt...numb. 

"Patton?" Virgil asked. I didn't respond. I just stared off into space, thinking. I didn't even realize that Virgil had picked me up and sat me on my bed. I could feel him watching me, but I didn't care. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. 

"Pat, I'll be right back, ok?" Virgil said, carefully. He grabbed his phone and walked out of the door, shutting it quietly behind him. 

I sat there for a few more moments, until I grabbed my laptop, opened it, and reserved a church for my wedding. I chose flower arrangements I knew Dan would like, and I even chose a rock band he loved. I'm giving up.

He wins. Life wins. 

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(A bit shorter, but this is the last bit of angst for like..........a chapter or two. Anywho. Cya, lads! -Manzana)