WangXian/YiZhan Oneshots And Short Stories ✔

If I stay

(This is very dark and emotional you have been warned 😔)

The sky was a deep velvet blue. There were no stars. No clouds. Just the never ending expanse of darkness. It towered over everything and everyone. Most nights, Wei Ying would feel comfort and safety from the sky but tonight it felt suffocating and frightening. He sat on the ledge of the window and leaned slightly into the cool breeze that travelled through the town.

He let out a long sigh as his headache grew worse. It was why he couldn't sleep, why he had had no sleep for days, and why he was now sitting here with a somber and wistful expression. His mouth held a frown instead of its usual grin. His sigh fell into the breeze and it was carried away into the distance; he wished his thoughts could do the same, even for a few seconds so that he could go to sleep.

He was so tired. Tired of struggling, tired of pain, tired of being tired. He just wanted to close his eyes forever. To let go. He didn't want to stay in this situation any longer. His head bent dejectedly and a river of small tears fell down his face. He was in so much pain inside.

This was because he felt lost. He knew this body wasn't his and that somebody, a young adult, sacrificed their entire life for him. He knew that he died sixteen years ago and that was supposed to be the end. He had caused so much suffering- not on purpose- and he was brought back only to have to cause more suffering. His agony made his body weigh a hundred tones and his mind a thousand, as if the world wanted him to endure all of the sorrow it could bestow upon him.

His tears blurred his vision and he squinted his eyes shut as he pressed his hands over his ears in an attempt to quieten the thoughts in his head.

"You don't deserve this life. You should be dead."

"Who would miss you? You've only caused pain and sorrow."

"Jump."

His head shot up as this voice flashed in his head for a second before vanishing, but it was like it had tattooed itself to his mind. Jump. He looked down to the rough, gravel street and for a moment he saw the cliff bottom where he jumped and ended his last life in order to stop the nightmare around him. He saw the jagged rocks and heard the whispering voices calling for him in his head.

With his mind so consumed, his body stood up on the ledge and leaned even further into the wind. He let out a sigh as the breeze drifted gently on his cheek, inviting him to join it. His eyes wandered up to the sky, his gaze wavered in and out of focus, and his breathing grew heavy. The sky was getting lower and lower, pressing down on him threateningly. He felt like the only way to escape was down.

"Jump."

His body started to shake as he stood on the ledge, his heart and mind fighting a battle of what to do. 

"Should I jump?"

 "What happens if I do?"

"What happens if I stay?"

Jumping, dying, would mean peace. He felt peaceful when he was dead- actually he felt nothing at all- or at least more at peace than when alive. Jumping would mean freedom and release and nothingness. Staying... his heart wanted him to turn back and look at Lan Zhan, his love, his soulmate, sleeping on the bed. Staying would mean being with Lan Zhan, the man who waited sixteen years for him, the man who saved his life in more ways than he cared to admit, the man who was willing to leave everyone and everything for him. Leaving would be cruel, but this life is cruel.

"He can survive without you. He did after you died, remember?"

Maybe it was right. Lan Zhan would still be alive, fulfilling his duties and being righteous. He was not righteous and he felt like a responsibility Lan Zhan shouldn't have to be responsible for. What a horrible soulmate he was. His eyes looked between the sky and the ground and his hands turned white as they clenched onto the window frame. Jump. Not jump. Jump.

Jump.

His whole body was shaking, tears filled his eyes, and yet, a moment of calm washed over him inside. He would jump, fall, die... that was how it was supposed to be. Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes and all of his weight left his body. He leaned into the inviting breeze and-

"Wei Ying!"

Lan Zhan's arm reached out of the window as it grasped onto Wei Ying's arm. With laboured breaths, he pulled the unconscious body from dangling below the window to their bed in the middle of the room. Carefully, and with a frown, he lay Wei Ying down and moved the wispy strands of hair from his face. It took mere moments until Wei Ying's eyes fluttered open, disorientated, and looked absently around the room. Suddenly he locked eyes on Lan Zhan and broke out into heart wrenching sobs.

Lan Zhan pulled Wei Ying up and hugged him in hopes of calming him down. Even when his love shouted and screamed and hit him in attempts to escape, he only hugged harder and soon enough the screams diminished to small sobs.

"Talk to me." he said in the softest voice he could muster. Internally he was freaking out and worried but knew that wouldn't help Wei Ying.

"I- I shouldn't be- be allowed to- to live..."

"What?"

"I have to die. Lan Zhan, I... I don't belong here..."

Silence filled the room, only interrupted by Wei Ying's sobs that pierced like arrows into Lan Zhan's chest. He struggled to find the right words so decided to do what he always does: get straight to the point. And luckily it worked. Wei Ying clung onto him as he explained everything, every thought and every feeling and every memory and every voice in his head. He confessed all of the sleepless nights and hopelessness that has been consuming him.

He said he was sorry.

"Why?" asked Lan Zhan. "Why are you sorry?"

"Pain. I've caused so much of it. Too much. To everyone. To you. I died once, that was my punishment. But then I came back... to kill people. More pain."

Now his sobs were deep and exhausted breaths. Lan Zhan pulled them apart and helped Wei Ying settle on the bed. He curled up and looked so fragile and hopeless that Lan Zhan's heart teared a little. It was horrible seeing him look so upset and sad when he was usually full of life and grinning.

"You haven't caused me any pain. Wei Ying, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

At this, Wei Ying looked up at Lan Zhan and small tears made their way down his face but Lan Zhan quickly wiped them away. He ran his hands through Wei Ying's hair, knowing it helped the younger relax, and slowly the deep sighs became small, quiet breaths.

"I'm sorry for jumping." he heard his soulmate whisper.

"Don't be." he whispered back. "I'll always be there to catch you."