Happy Endings || Andy Biersack

8. It Doesn't Feel Like I'm Living My Dream

Andy POV

I stared at the ultrasound picture of Jaxson as we all sat onto the couches in the front lounge of the bus. My heart physically ached, hating that I was away from my son and his amazing mom. I was becoming so whipped and losing all the rebellious qualities I'd prided myself on. Sure, I still had a penchant for leather, tattoos, and piercings. I still liked to get drunk and act stupid with my friends. I still liked to scream on stage in front of thousands of fans. But, now, what I loved was my wife and our unborn son. I loved spending time with her curled up on the couch, feeling our baby kick. The way those two made me feel was something I'd never really known before. It was like I would do anything to be with them and I would protect them with every ounce of strength I had in me. 

"Aww, it's okay, man," Ashley sighed. "I know how you feel. I miss Killer and Tokyo a lot."

"Your dogs?" I asked incredulously. Ashley nodded sincerely. "Dude, just shut up. It's completely different."

Ash frowned. "Well, excuse me."

"Relax, Andy," Jinxx muttered. "You're not the only one dealing with missing someone."

"I get that, but... I don't know. I guess I'm just in a shit mood."

Leaving Hailey had always been hard, but this time seemed like the worst of them all. Maybe it was because I knew Jaxson would be coming soon and I hated being away from him.

"I'm kind of worried about Sammi, to be honest," Jinxx stated.

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know. She just sounded weird today. Not like herself. I think she might be hiding something from me."

"What do you mean? Like, she's cheating?"

Jinxx shrugged. "I don't want to think about it, but it's possible. I just feel really distant from her, and it's not on my end. It's like she's trying to keep something from me and pulling away in the process."

 "Maybe she wants to surprise you with something," I suggested, though I had a feeling that wasn't the case.

"Yeah, I don't know." He looked down at his hands, rubbing them together anxiously. "I'm going to go lay down for a while."

I nodded, feeling bad for him. I knew I'd be broken up inside if Hailey and I started drifting. Not to mention, Sammi and Jinxx had been together a lot longer than we had. They'd always been a couple I'd admired, the kind who shared everything and seemed to almost be connected. I knew Sammi wasn't the cheating type, but I had to admit, he behavior was definitely was odd.

I stared at the picture of Jaxson once more, before flipping to the small wallet-sized print of one of Hailey and I's wedding photo. Looking at her picture reminded me why I was doing this and gave me the strength to keep going, but more than anything it made me want to go home. As horrible as it was, I didn't have it in my heart to really want to be here. With every passing day, I just wanted to go home. I loved the touring, I couldn't deny that, but I loved my family more. I knew I was being ungrateful and even selfish in my feelings, but it was the truth. I felt burdened by my responsibility to the fans and weighed down by my love for music. 

It was almost like I was being pulled in two different directions. A portion of me was determined to stay here and continuing to do what I was passionate about. Without music, I knew I'd be lost. It was what made me feel alive, what kept me from going crazy. However, Hailey did the same. She was my shining hope in a dark night, my starlight. Living life without her would be worse than living life without performing. But the reality of not being able to sing to thousands of fans filled me with dread.