Unleashed in February (Behind The Month #1)

32

32, With unfair judgement

I am not the one to decide where Hope belongs.

Hindi siya laruan na pinapasa-pasa. Hindi ko siya pag-aari para magdesisyon kung para kanino ba siya.

With all the words my sister has shared to me, they swayed my heart and my mind turned out clear from all of them.

Pinag-aralan ko nang mabuti ang kaganapan sa amin– sa akin, kay Sherra at kay Hope. From what I can remember, I have never done anything wrong to Sherra. Hindi ko itinago ang sitwasyon namin ni Hope. It's just that, I didn't feel obligated to tell her anything. If she'd asked me about it, I'd be honest. Pero hindi iyon nangyari. Natuklasan niya iyon sa iba at agad na ibinuhos sa akin ang sama ng loob.

I understand that she likes him so much pero hindi ako ang may sabing ibigay niya ang kanyang sarili.

I mean, I get that she's in pain. Naiintindihan ko ang nararamdaman niya pero kung tutuusin, wala akong kinalaman doon. It's not my fault that Hope doesn't feel the same way for her. Kung meron mang nakagawa ng mali sa kanya, si Hope iyon.

Iyon ay kung hindi bukal sa loob ni Sherra ang nangyari sa kanila at hindi  sila nagkasundo na... ganoon lang ang mangyayari at hindi na hahantong sa kung ano pang relasyon.

People are engaging in sex nowadays with no strings attached. Hope does that and I'm aware of it. Hindi ko kailanman huhusgahan ang gumagawa ng ganoon. But with our situation now, I don't know anymore. That's the main reason why I'm currently having this freaking difficulty in life.

I feel so bad for thinking about these things but because I'm feeling so empty, and drowned by the painful feeling I'm getting... I guess this is only natural.

I do. My sister is right. I do love Hope not as a plain friend anymore. It's no longer that kind. Iba na... nakakatakot pero iyon ang totoo.

Hope is right too. Niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. Hindi ko maamin-amin nang maayos ang nararamdaman ko, kahit sa sarili ko lang.

I'd like to say, I was with him for so long that I already got myself influenced with some of his traits and attitude. I felt the impulsivity in my system as I took the keys of our car and went outside to use it.

It is eleven in the evening now. Everybody's on their way to their peaceful world of dreams as they lay their bodies on their bed. Wala ng paalam pa, agad na akong sumakay sa Vios at pinaandar na iyon.

I'm wearing my kind of sleepwear already but who cares? Pagod na akong umiyak! Mapuyat magdamag kakaisip! Ayaw ko na. Mas malala pa ito kumpara noong niloko ako ni Heidi.

Tumahol ang aming mga aso, paniguradong magigising lalo ang pamilya kong iiwanan ko saglit sa aming tahimik na bahay. I had to got out of the car again to open the gates. Once again, it has caused another noise for this quiet and cold night.

Sumakay akong muli pagkatapos at tuluyan ng umalis.

Hope is indeed wonderful. I'm so blessed to have him as my best friend, blessed to know that he's truly loving me for the past years. I never prayed to have such a loyal friend to be with me as I grow up and discover myself. But he was given to me.

Gayon pa man ay hindi siya sa akin dahil masyado akong duwag. But now I'm sure, I'm willing to tell him my inner, unsaid emotions.

Everything is full of wonders, including him, including me. And tonight, I'll be making him mine.

Tumunog ang aking cellphone. Nasa dashboard iyon at nang sulyapan ko nang mabilis ay nakarehistro roon ang pangalan at picture ni Ate Apple. I used a single hand to wipe my cheeks as the unnoticed tears flow down. I didn't mind the call and it was immediately followed by mom's.