I've stopped finding happiness, like completely. I know happiness is just an illusion but it felt good when I had some. It doesn't matter if I'm achieving something or someone close to me is. I thought I was getting better but what was happening was that I was just trying to forget the "fact" that I can't run away, I don't know about the others but I certainly can't run away. The past stays there, in that little corner of this thing called my mind. Also, I did have a bad childhood, my family always treated me like shit. I'm a good student but what's the problem? Like I said, I did have a bad childhood, but things became fucked up in 8th grade. I know that so many people go through much worse things. I just, every passing day, I'm getting more and more tired of this. Why can't I just go? Is it that hard to die? In the end, we're all gonna die, so why not right now? There's a saying that goes like "If you were going to do it tomorrow, then do it today, if you were going to do it today, then do it now." Which basically means don't leave the job undone, do it immediately. Now, why isn't this applicable in real life? Death is the final destination, so why do we keep waiting for tomorrow when we can die today? Like, as humans, we all have these dreams and aspirations but what's the point of this when death is the final destination?
Because it's really sad to commit suicide?
You're growing up, your childhood is dying, it can be painful. Now you are having a hard time enjoying things. You've got to find your reasons to believe that something is enjoyable now, and through that you will discover who you are. The joy doesn't flow like it used to when you were a kid. That's how the life trip here goes.
The human race is neurotic. Welcome to it. Perhaps it OK to say that the religious quest is the interior work one does to get ahold of this problem. A parallel to the religious quest would be a devotion to life's pursuits you may be interested in.
If you just wander around dissociated and overwhelmed by it, it's going to be very painful.
You're familiar with the first noble truth? Well, maybe now it is your very experience. Now you really know the truth about that.
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The things I think of when I'm alone
PoetryUnbearable pain that is expressed and acknowledged becomes bearable. But people who have suffered from BPD received no such responses in their childhood. Therefore, they are stuck in the past, trying to elicit what they needed as a child-validation...
