I want to stop being me. I'm constantly making myself miserable, and I don't think I can change. I'm just too broken – it's like I'm addicted to being unhappy. It goes too deep – there's no decent person left to salvage. Rotten to the core etc. I hate myself, and yet I love hating myself. I want it all to stop. I want me to stop – no more thoughts, no despicable monstrous feelings, no sensations. Take me apart and let my matter become other things, that don't hate themselves or the world.
But I don't want to devastate my family. Especially my mum. They've invested so much emotion and so many resources in trying to support me. It would crush them. I can't do that.
But I can't stand being me anymore. The shame of it. There's no way out. I'm so insanely alone. There's no hope. Just day after day of decline. And it hurts. This is not a life worth living. This is a sentence I'm imposing on myself. And it only gets harder the longer it goes. I don't think I can stick out another 20 years like this. I can't imagine how awful it will feel by then. I don't want it. Skip to the end. If it's just going to finish with me being glad to finally cease existing, I'd rather avoid all the horrible bits in between.
But I can't. I can't do that to the only people in this world I care about. The only people who care about me. Can I? Can I?
