My First Real Crush [Larry Stylinson]

*19*

My heart drops.  Friend.  I can't stop repeating the word in my head.  Of course I'm just a friend.  I don't know why I ever thought I might be something more.  Harry's not gay!  Good God Louis I can't believe you let yourself think that!  You're such an idiot! 

I feel my heart sink to the lowest part of my body.  It almost feels like if I stood up and took a step, I would squish it because it's laying so hopelessly on the floor, practically begging to be crushed even more than it is right now.  The sweat that I had so recently produced, turned cold and froze my skin as it dripped down.  I couldn't see straight and no noise passed through my ears.  I felt like I was floating in a dark room, heartless and mindless.  Just trapped in a body that couldn't even move.  This was the worst feeling I've ever felt. I hate it.

I fought to gain some control of my body, not a lot but enough.  Without thinking, I stood up and walked out.  Not fast, rather slowly actually because I was struggling to even put one foot in front of the other.  I started picking up speed after I had passed through the doorway.  I had no idea where I was going, but I felt my legs bring me down the stairs and out the door.  I ran down to the same intersection I had run to with Harry not too long ago.  I didn't care that I felt my chest collapsing in on itself, I just kept running and running.  I took a right at the turn and raced for what felt like ages.

I had no idea what I was doing or why I was doing it.  Why am I so dramatic!?  All he did was call me a friend!  He could've said so much worse!

I shoved my inner thoughts away and allowed myself to cry as I was running.  Once I had opened the gates, a flood of tears rushed down my cheeks and gave no intention of stopping. 

I felt so stupid just sitting there, listening to Harry talking about our friendship.  Friendship.  Such an ugly word.  I want to throw up everytime I think about that word alone.  I can't believe I let myself get my hopes up and actually think that Harry might like me back.  I was so optimistic.  I was such an idiot.  Holy shit, I'm so pathetic. 

I only stop running once I've reached the end of the road.  Instead of turning back, I continue walking into the forest.  I can see bright blue through the trees so I assume I'm walking towards the lake.  I was right, a few minutes into walking through the woods, I've reached an odd looking dock.  It feels so out of place but so inviting.  The second I walk out onto it and sit down, feet dangling only inches above the water, I feel an immediate connection.  Like this dock and I have so much in common.  It felt personal, like I was supposed to find it.  It's an odd location, separate from any buildings around, and it's broken down condition remind me of one thing, me. 

I felt so out of place in that room after his words were spoken.  I felt my heart shatter and rust over instantly.  This dock was me, but made of wood. 

I wiped the tears from my eyes and allowed myself to start thinking.  God Louis, you're so pathetic.  The boys are definitely laughing at you right now.  And way to make your feelings for Harry completely obvious.  What possible explanation can you give for running away, like a child might I add, after Harry called you a friend?  Now they all know how you feel.  Harry's probably disgusted, thinking about how his 'friend' is hopelessly in love with him.  He's probably embarrassed FOR YOU, knowing that he doesn't feel the same about you.  I hate you so much right now Louis!  Why are you so pathetic!  Why does your mind work like this!  I didn't ask to feel this way!  Why would you do this to me!

I realized then that I was no longer cursing myself, but God.  I've never been a super religious person, but right now it felt like the only person behind all of this was God, or some divine being.  To be honest, I had no clue who to blame.  I just wanted to blame someone.  Niall?  He's known this whole time, why hasn't he told me that Harry doesn't love me back.  Zayn?  He asked the stupid question.  My mom?  She gave me so much false hope.  Harry?