The Nation's Outcry

Chapter 43

Chapter 43: Shattered
Zanashi

"What the hell is happening with you?" Dalia asked. "Tell me what's wrong, please. I'm so worried, Sayyana."

Instead of answering her, I just hugged baby Treyton more. I've been doing this for hours now, hugging baby Treyton while crying. And Dalia has been asking me for hours now as well but she didn't receive even a single answer from me.

I couldn't explain how shattered I am right now. Ang puso ko'y nagsusumigaw ng sakit, hindi na ako makapag-isip pa nang mabuti, at nahihirapan na rin akong huminga dahil sa walang katapusan kong pag-iyak. Everything is against us. Everyone!

Naisip ko na ito noon pa lang pero ngayon ko lang talaga naramdaman ang kakaibang sakit na dala ng kaisipang ito. Ngayong kailangan kong panigan ang taong bayan, ngayong kailangan kong iwan ang mga taong bumubuo sa akin para lang mailigtas ang karamihan, at ngayong kailangan kong wasakin ang sarili para lang muling mabuo ang bansa.

And again, I asked myself. Is this still part of my fate? Why does it have to be like this? Why do I need to live like this? Why do I need to choose between the nation and my family? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I live normally? Why can't I be free from all of these? Just.. why?

"Sayyana, please? Sabihin mo sa akin ang problema. Baka makatulong ako. Ayokong nakikita kang ganito."

"I don't know anymore," ang tanging nasagot ko na lang, ang boses ay pumipiyok at ang mata'y patuloy pa ring nanlalabo dahil sa mga luha kong tuloy-tuloy kung umagos. "I don't know how this world works anymore. I don't know."

Huminga siya nang malalim at malungkot na tumingin sa akin. "I understand you. Everything will be alright, Sayyana."

"No, you don't. You don't understand how painful it is to be in this situation. You don't know how painful it is to think that everything will not going to be alright. It will not going to be alright," iyak ko.

Ang sakit! Ang sakit sakit! Bakit kailangang maranasan ko itong lahat? Hindi ko matanggap. Bakit ako? Bakit ako na lang lagi ang sumasalo ng lahat? Masaya na ako, eh. Masaya na ako sa piling ng asawa ko. Masaya na ako na may munting anghel na dumating sa akin. Masaya na akong makalaya sa AFFO.

Pero gano'n pala iyon? Wala pala talaga akong karapatang maging masaya nang pang-matagalan? Nakaw na sandali lang pala ang lahat? Ang mga oras na kasama ko si Denver, lahat pala ng iyon ay may hangganan? Bakit? Bakit kailangan ay ganito?

Where is the beauty in this world? I belived Faiqa for what she said but now that this is happening to me, I'm starting to contradict her. This world isn't beautiful! This world is just a nightmare for a person like me! This isn't a world for me. This world hates me and I also hate this world! I hate living in this fucking world!

But when my gaze darted at my little angel who was sleeping peacefully in my arms, I once again questioned what I said. Do I really regret living in this world? I closed my eyes painfully and shook my head, suddenly feeling remorseful that I hated this world for a moment.

Although this world gave me thousands of heartaches, my two lights are enough for me to choose living in this world over and over again. Kahit gaano pa kabigat na pasanin at kahit gaano pa karaming bangungot, tatanggapin ko. Tatanggapin ko ang lahat para lang sa dalawang taong bumuo sa akin.

It's midnight already. Almost all of the people inside the center are now sleeping except some medical staff who are still busy checking patients every now and then and some soldiers who are still doing their duty until now.

Tumingin ako sa entrada at halos humikbi na naman ako nang maisip na maya-maya lang, mas pipiliin ko nang lumabas para sa lahat ng taong nandito ngayon. Maya-maya lang, itataya ko ang sarili ko kapalit ang mga inosenteng buhay na nadamay at madadamay pa lang sa kaguluhang ito.