The Accused (A Series #1)

Chapter Thirty-Nine

After they both calmed down, they once again settled. She readied herself once more but she did not feel the strong kick of pain and anxiety that's creeping inside her. The hope she saw in his eyes awhile ago might have done it. She felt like she did not have to be scared this time and that what was there to tell was just a story long happened and could be then accepted.

Was she just scared because of what might Calev think of her with what happened to their child? The answer was no, and she was sure of it. It was just that, there was something in his eyes that calmed things down a little. They were the ones talking, and the possibility of being heard by the other end was just important for her to go on. And so she did.

"When Finno brought me to their house, his family immediately accepted me. Even if it took me weeks to finally talk with them and another set of weeks to finally be able to tell them my truth, they never rushed me nor judged me for what I did. Finno and his family was so kind to let me feel that I have them as my new family. I spent months of crying and feeling empty but they never left me. When I gave birth, I did not expect the sudden surge of awful feelings I have with my babies..."

A tear escaped together with the sword of guilt crashing her. Kahit di niya naman kasalanan na nagkaroon siya nang ganung kondisyon, hindi niya pa din maiwasang sisihin ang sarili. How could she hate her children, her two lovely spawns?

"Postpartum depression. The doctor explained it to us. I don't care about it first. All I wanted was to stay away from them. Feeding them was always a hard time because there were times I refused to breastfed them. I have trouble sleeping and when I wake up, I usually cry out of nowhere. Whenever I get to see them, especially my boy..."

A sob escaped from her. It was hard for her admitting all the dreadful feelings she harbored in those trying times. They were her own nightmares from yesterday, even today, and she could see the possibility of carrying those in the future, the thing she was so afraid of but she knew she deserved.

"Cevin Auseron, that's his name. We call him Cevin. My dear Cevin, he did not deserve the hate I aimed at him..." she said lowly in pain. "He looks so much like you kaya siguro ganun ko nalang siya ka 'di gusto. And he was very sickly. He stayed longer in the hospital and never did I visit him until they decided to fly him to Melbourne. It was there where Finno's parents resided even before his dad died.

When I was back to myself, when I was able to realize how horrible of a being I was for doing it to my babies, I was so ashamed of myself. And so, I tried to be the best mother I could be to Aurine. Iniisip ko na mapupunan nun ang mga pagkukulang ko pero... hindi. Kasi yung totoo, duwag talaga ako."

She looked at Calev even if she could barely see him through her blurry vision. She could see him eyeing her intently. When she brushed her tears away, that was when she noticed how red his eyes were with tears forming and threatening to come out. He was just looking at her frail and helpless. Regret was evident in those beautiful black orbs which made her cry more.

"I did not contact him or even talk to him in phone because I was scared and I was so ashamed. I feel like I don't deserve him. Sometimes, I just eavesdropped with calls, just hoping to hear his voice. Cevin did not know how to talk as fast as how Aurine learned it. But when he did, just few months ago, it was not as structured as the normal kid should have. But nonetheless, he was still incredible. He's very talented. He loves painting and he's very good at it."

She kept her eyes at him, watching how emotions play in his eyes. It was kind of overwhelming how pain immediately replaced by delight the moment she mentioned her son's fondness on painting.

"It was just last year when I get to talk to him. Finno helped me fight for the demon that was hindering me to be the best mother to Cevin. Last year, we also visited him there. As much as I wanted to take him here with me, we just couldn't. He was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. It was a rare medical condition for children. Ang sabi ay nakukuha daw ito sa isa sa genes ng mga magulang. I am very certain it's from me..."