Beyond the Flashing Lights

Chapter 7

Kami POV

I tossed and turned all night thinking of Adam and my dad's situation.

I've come to the conclusion I'm very much the problem. Everyone walks on fucking eggshells around me because they see me as some fragile broken little girl. And they are right. I've felt like a ticking time bomb since I can remember. But I don't even know how to fix it.

I walk downstairs of my childhood home and the smell of bacon fills the air. My dad rarely cooks so that means Mrs. Michaels is still here.

I slump down the stairs sulking at my life existence. To my surprise my father stands in the kitchen over the oven.

"Hey! Good morning!" He says way too chipper.

"So you cook now?" I say looking at him confused

He lets out a chuckle. He seems to laugh a lot. Why does a part of me hurt a little from that. "Well Amy has showed me a few tricks in the kitchen, she thinks I need to cook more for my health." He rubs his overhang belly.

"You know bacon isn't healthy right?"

He laughs again. "Baby steps. Let's eat. And then I thought we could go Christmas shopping together."

"Oh..I kind of have plans... wait, you Christmas shop? And you waited until three days before Christmas?" Why is he trying to hang out with me today.

"That's fine sweetie." He squeezes my hand.

"Okay what the hell is going on?" I jump from my seat at the breakfast table

"Excuse me." He says in a finally recognizable tone

"You! Like who are you? I grew up without parents. I grew up with parents screaming and throwing shit at each other. I grew up with you never home and always fighting back your temper when you were here! Now all the sudden you want to be affectionate and use pet names. I'm fucking done!" At the end of my fit I throw my entire plate into the trash can

"You sit your ass down missy." Dad's face is turning red. Finally something familiar.

"Yes your mother and I fought. We brought the worst out in each other. Yes I was always gone but I had to work to provide for you. I worked the graveyard shift. And it paid off financially. I'm sorry I didn't provide the most warm and welcoming home for you but I didn't know what the hell I was doing! Raising a little girl when your mom left. You started fights in school. You skipped school. You were caught underage drinking-how many times and you..." his words trail off

I ball my fists up I would never hit him but I want to hit something. "Say it. Go ahead. Say it. Say I killed her. Say it was all my fault."

He lowers and shakes his head. "No.... I was gonna say you... apart of you died too, Kami. When she died BECAUSE of someone else's mistake I lost you too. I lost you and then I realized how much I had missed out on your childhood because of my anger toward your mother. I wanted to change back time to give you the childhood you deserved. But it was too late. She died and you locked yourself in your room. You stopped living...and I lost my only baby.... and apart of that is my fault." His words come out in sobs with tears flowing.

I don't know what to say. I feel the ache in my chest. And my eyes begin to fail me again.

He gestures me to sit back down. "Your mom became a broken woman. She wasn't happy. I'm not sure why because she kept it all bottled up. At some point I think it was easier for her to feel miserable. To hurt me. And you. She chose to be unhappy. I don't want that for you Kami. I was filled with anger when she left so I'm no better than she. But you can learn from our mistakes. You have so much life ahead of you to live and be happy. I don't want you to wake up fat and old and realize what you've lost out on." He rubs his belly indicating he's talking about himself and it makes me crack a smile.

"I'm sorry dad, I am trying... I'm trying to find myself again. To find who I am now after Bethany. There is something I need to do today. By myself. And then maybe we can shop after?" I say lifting my voice to break this solemn tension.

"That would be great." And then he leans over a kisses me on the forehead. Something so out of character for us but it makes me smile.

—

I get to the flower shop and pick out a beautiful small bouquet of yellow and light pink flowers. Something light and girly. Just like she was.

I pull into the cemetery for the first time. I never came here after her service. I couldn't look at the casket for any longer that day and I didn't want to watch them lower her into the ground.

I walk through the path in the direction of her family's headstones. I'd come here with her to visit her dad so I knew where to go.

And there it is. Bethany Michaels. A big black matte headstone. It was beautiful in the way it could be. It stood out from the rest. Much like her. Daughter. Niece. Cousin. Friend. I knelt down to rub my finger along the letters of friend. It should read sister because she was so much more than just friend.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've never been here before. It kind of creeps me out if I'm being honest. You fucking left me Bethany! You left me here to live without you! And I've been doing a real shit job of it. I miss you. I try not to I know that isn't nice but it just hurts so fucking much. So the reason I'm here is tell you goodbye. I have to let you go as a living person. I know you are probably rolling your eyes with your hands on your hips. Yes I know you technically haven't been living for a year and a half but I've been in denial.

I want you to live on through me. I want to live the way you'd want me to. I want to talk about you and not be angry or guilty. I don't know how to do this Beth without you but I'm going to try for you.

Sooooo our parents are like... a thing. It's fucking weird. But also kind of makes sense. Wait can you see all this shit? If so, gross, and then you know about....Adam. You would know just what to say. I never thought I would fall in love and have my heart shattered all in one swoop. And you probably know about Becca. You would love her. Or hate her. The two of you both annoy the shit out of me with the constant chit chat and chipper attitudes. I hope you know I'll never replace you....but I feel connected to you when I'm with her... if I'm being honest. She reminds me so much of you.... Anyway I should go. My dad wants to go shopping. Weird I know. I love you Beth. I'll be back. Thank you."

I leave and send a quick text to Becca.
What can I get Abigail for Christmas?
-Kami

AN: This was hard to write. The conversation with her dad and the one with Bethany.