Would your heart stop ( Jay x Matthew Big Mouth Jatthew Fanfiction )

The morning after

Jays pov
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I woke up with a smile on my face. That smile quickly disappeared as I felt a sharp pain in my liver and a slight sting on my cheek. I rubbed my eyes feeling the residue of dried tears. I looked down seeing an empty brandy bottle in my hand. Realising I was sat in the corner of my room I carefully got up to inspect my face in the mirror. That's when it hit me. That's when I remembered. Everything that occurred last night. The drinking, Matthew slapping me, the flashback I got of a horrible memory, the running, that numb feeling. Of all things I couldn't seem to shake that numb feeling. The feeling of emptiness and nothing. Like anything could happen and I would just be too hurt to feel it. My favourite time of the day is when I first wake up. I have a smile on my face and feel the morning air. The only time I am truly happy. When I forget all about my life. Obviously that 10 seconds of pure bliss is always ended when everything rushes in. When I remember every single detail of my horrible life.

I threw the brandy bottle in the living room to sit with the rest of the empty bottles. Upon searching the house I realised I was home alone. That was when I saw the note. It read 'Jake me and your brothers have gone out of town for a while. Be back whenever -Jenna.' All I could think was wow. My own mother calling me the wrong name and signing it off as 'Jenna' instead of mom. I honestly don't know why I am surprised at this point. Of course she wrote it exactly like that because it was exactly like her. Usually when they left they told me how long for but I'm assuming it will be ages before they return.

As I walked into the bathroom I splashed freezing water on my face in hopes to remove the sleep from my eyes. I winced slightly. Looking in the mirror I gently rubbed my jaw thinking about the boy I loved doing this to me with pure hate in his eyes. A cold dead expression crept onto my face. Deep down I always felt like I was depressed I mean it's kind of hard when life always sucks. Everyone hates life though but not everyone has the same home live as me and I knew that. Being with Matthew I managed to shake off my feelings for a while but after last night they have just taken over.

Whilst picking up my phone I saw 24 missed calls and about 100 texts from Jessie asking if I was ok. I softly smiled thinking about how much care that small red head had for me. I could tell she loved me a lot but love doesn't come easy for me. She is always worried about me but I don't although myself to even consider the possibility that someone could actually care about me. It was something I knew but was never able to accept. Scrolling down I saw another text. 'Look I am sorry about last night, we need to talk ok. Love you xx' It was from Matthew. I rolled my eyes and launched my phone across the room.

Being home alone would be exciting for any normal teenage boy but for me it was tiring. I had to cut down how much I ate because I didn't know when they would be back, if they would be back. The only food in the house was 2 packs of crackers. I slid one into my slightly bruised mouth and choked on how dry it was. My liver was basically screaming for water but I decided to wash it down with some left over vodka on the counter. I was sober at this point and needed something to take off the edge. I couldn't bare to feel anything at the moment so I had basically switched off my humanity. I decided to head back upstairs a new unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in hand. It's was 1:00pm and Nicks second party started at 8:00pm. My plan was to sleep for a little while just to ease the pain my whole body felt. I switched of my phone after setting an alarm for 7:00pm. I needed the extra time to shower and put on some makeup so an hour will do. I was not one for wearing makeup because I hated how sticky it felt but I knew Matthew would be at the party and didn't want him to see the mark he had left on my cheek. It was probably best to cover up the rest of my bruised body whilst I was at it. Anyways for now I could sleep and dream and forget about everything. Just for a few hours I could be at peace.

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Matthews pov
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I looked down at my phone to check the time. It was 1:00pm and Jay still hasn't answered my message. I'm not surprised considering what happened last night but I was worried and just wanted to talk before the party. Jessie was obviously still angry at me so I should probably speak to her too. I scrolled through my inbox refreshing ever few seconds. Of course I was checking to see if Jay had messaged me back but I was also checking to see if my parents would message me. I told them before I left for the party last night that I was going to be back. The fact that I had spent the entire night sat on a bench in the freezing cold without a ounce of sleep should be worrying to them. They didn't care that I hadn't come back heck they probably didn't even notice. What if I was kidnapped or murdered? They would be none the wiser. I should probably head home to sleep.

I kept tossing and turning trying to get the image of Jay crying out of my mind. It was a horrible sight and I didn't want to be reminded of the fact that I was to blame for those tears. After hours of restlessness I had come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't fall asleep. So I got up and headed straight for the shower. My mind urged me to turn it as cold as possible. At first I stood there letting the icy droplets bounce off of my skin before I changed it to a normal temperature. I guess I was kind of trying to punish my self for a second for what I had done. It was nothing major but it helped. I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around my waist, stopping in my tracks as someone caught my eye.

"Oh. Your home." My mom said without making eye contact.

"Yeah I got home about 30 minutes ago." I laughed nervously.

"Ok?" She stared off into the distance blankly.

"I stayed out all night sat outside in the dark on a strange bench, all by myself." I said with a hint of hope that she would be worried.

I was dumb to even consider that happening. Without another word she brushed past me and headed off to her room. I hated it. The fact she never cared. I almost hated it as much as the fact she couldn't look at me. I mean my own mother couldn't bare to look me in the eye. It started the second I hit puberty. Assuming it was because she secretly knew I was gay but never addressing it because as my dad says 'if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.' They could go their whole lives pretending I wasn't gay, I would let them. To be honest everything about me screams homosexual but a life of ignorance is a life of bliss.

When I was in my room I placed a sweater vest over my silk long sleeved blue shirt. It was a very plain outfit for a party and I knew that but I wasn't in a very fashionable mood. I simply combed through my hair and put my shoes on ready to leave. Jessie took some convincing but she finally agreed to meet me. We awkwardly looked at each other not sure what to say. We took occupancy on the bench I had spent the night on.

"I spent all night here. On this exact bench. All the way from when I left the party till around 1:30pm." I finally spoke looking down and rubbing my fingers together on my lap.

"Was it cold?" She asked looking straight ahead instead of at me.

"Very." I added. God I hated that she wasn't looking at me, it reminded me of my mother.

"Good." That was all she said.

"Jessie please, please look at me. I can't bare to think that you hate me." I grabbed her hand carefully. She quickly pulled her hands away but settled with looking at me.

"I don't hate you Matthew. I could never hate you even if I tried and trust me I did. Look you have to be careful around Jay. His parents-" she paused biting her tongue. "His mom is not the nicest of people. He has a very hard home life and gets terrified when people raise their voice at him. You both love each other don't you? The people that love him need to be the ones that protect him no matter what. He can't handle having someone that loves him be hateful towards him because he needs an escape from that abuse. He needs us Matt. He needs you." She looks into my eyes practically pleading for me to be more careful with him.

"I know well at least I know now. I'm trying, I messaged him asking to talk. I wanted to clear things up before the party but he hasn't responded and I don't know what to do. I want to apologise but I can't if he ignores me." My voice shook slightly as tears threatened to escape my eyes.

"He hasn't replied to any of my messages either. He drank a lot last night so he's probably asleep. If I know Jay I know he will come to the party tonight so maybe try and talk to him there without being too pushy about it. Whatever you do don't shout again ok?" Jessie said preparing me.

I nodded as the tears finally broke free. Jessie placed her thumb on my cheek as she wiped the dampness away. A gentle smile appeared on my face as she pulled me into a tight but comforting hug. She always knew how to make me feel better. People always say their best friend is the best but Jessie truly was. She is the most patient and understanding friend ever. I know she will never leave me no matter what I do. Instead of shouting or fighting she talks sense into you. Unlike most people she will apologise when she is in the wrong. She is truly and utterly perfect. I dread the day we are no longer friends because I will need her forever and always.