Would your heart stop ( Jay x Matthew Big Mouth Jatthew Fanfiction )

The letters

Dear Everyone,

If you are reading this I love you. Look I haven't been the best friend, boyfriend or person in general. I was so focused on my pain I didn't want any of you to feel how I felt. You guys knowing would kill you and it clearly has. I didn't want you guys to hate me or be angry but it's understandable. I have gone through so much in my life and bounced back like it was nothing. Lately everything has been getting to me a little too much. I've tried to stay positive and happy for all of your benefits but I know I'm just annoying. I hope you understand why I couldn't tell you. I was terrified of loosing what little I had left. I was right because I have lost that. I have lost you guys. I never thought I was the type to need help because I was doing pretty ok on my own. The alcohol, lack of food and lack of sleep probably weren't good coping mechanisms but it worked for me. I have been strong for to long and truth be told I am ever so weak. I hate every single detail about myself. My body, my personality, the way I treat everyone, the way I treat myself. I have these times where I get flashbacks to horrific events. They get triggered by certain moments. These sent me into a state where I can't breath, my vision goes all funny, I feel like the walls are closing in and my heart beats really fast. I hate feeling like that. It's not only scary but it makes me feel so alone. I never know how to deal with that feeling. One day without thinking I grabbed a blade and cut myself, I wasn't sure at all what I was doing. I didn't know whether it was a coping mechanism or a punishment to myself but it worked. It has been working and that's why I do it. To stay strong. Even though I knew you guys would be furious when you found out I didn't regret it. It made me able to spend an amazing week with my boyfriend without any drama for the first time.

Nick I care about you buddy and one day I bet you will grow to at least 6 feet tall. You will live an incredibly happy life surrounded by a family who loves you. Please treat Jessie well for me.

Andrew I know you are really insecure and things get tough but deep down you are a good guy. So go for the things you want because life is about taking risks. You don't have to be ashamed about yourself because we all are, I believe in you.

Missy you are so talented and I have enjoyed every moment spent being your friend. The book we wrote together is a masterpiece and please make sure to publish it one day for me. Also stop playing around and go for it, you and Andrew are clearly meant to be together. If things don't work out in the long run at least you will of tried and won't have any regrets.

Jessie I don't even know where to start. You have helped me through things I never thought I would get through. I have taken you for granted and I love you so much. You are passionate and have a burning fire inside so use it for good. Also please talk to your mum and tell her you love her. Fix your relationship because nothing is worse than loosing your mum. You will regret it one day if you don't. I just know you will be successful so please don't look back and think what you could of done, don't miss me and don't remember the bad. Remember everything positive and fun about our friendship. No matter what you do, never stop fighting for what is right.

Matthew this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it's for the best. Thank you for the final weak of happiness. You have made me realise things about myself that no one ever could have. Because of you I am out and proud about my sexuality. I am proud because I had the funniest, most handsome, most sarcastic and most musically talented boyfriend in the world. I know your home life is rough as well so the second you finish college run away out of this town and never look back. I may not be with you in person but I'm there in spirit every step of the way. Please don't cry because this is for the best and we will be together again one day. Visit our special place and think about all the memories and time we spent together. When you are in the main hall remember our first kiss. Never stop believing you can do anything and don't stop because of me. You will look back on this and be sad but remember I am so honoured that I was able to be your first boyfriend. Words could never describe the love I have for you. They say I am good at magic but I think you are the magician. I am completely under your spell and you are magical in every way. I am so sorry I put you through all of this. Be kind to yourself and treat your body and mind like you would a loved ones. I never wanted to say goodbye to you. I had plans to go to New York and run away with you until we grew old. Visit there for me and when you do I will know. Goodbye for now Matthew and as they say 'the show must go on'

I love you guys more than you will ever know and I am so sorry I did this to you. I had no other choice. I couldn't go on anymore the way I have been. Please don't cry or be sad. By the time you have finished reading this the medication would of kicked in and I will be dead. Please don't visit my body because I don't want you guys to have to see me like that. Dream big and do everything you want without a care. You only get one life so spend it wisely.

Love forever and always

-Jay