Would your heart stop ( Jay x Matthew Big Mouth Jatthew Fanfiction )

Unexpected Understandings

Somehow I had miraculously made it to the front of my house. Instead of knocking or quietly creeping in, I fell full force into the door. Now this was ought to wake someone up. My slightly bruised body lay on the concrete steps as I looked up at the stars. They were quite beautiful and dancing around in funny patterns. This was quite humorous to me and made me chuckle faintly as I was completely out of it. If I am being honest I had no clue what happened next. All I could remember was that out of my ringing ears I heard a faint noise.

"Jay?"

Little patters of faint laughs left me.

"For fuck sake."

My body was lifted over the steps and through the doorway. Groans leaving the lips of whoever was now dragging me onto the living room floor.

"Are you drunk?"

I shook my head slightly as my body felt unusually stiff. Everything was in the distance now. The high slowly growing unbearable. What once was happy and light hearted now sent my brain into the depths of something dark. Desperately wanting to sober up, I tried to stand.

"Fucking sit down."

Trying to speak was impossible. The back of my throat burned in a dry mixture of blood and powder residue. I couldn't bring myself to care for the person who was trying to help me. Even if they were doing it in a rather aggressive manor.

"What did you take?"

Again I was unable to speak. Hands began searching my pockets. Looking for any clue as to why I was this fucked up. Their fingertips finally landed on the little baggy. Bringing it to their face, they inspected the contents.

"Jay I need you to tell me how much you took."

The voice was demanding but I couldn't let the information leave. My brain was foggy in the same way it was when I woke up in the hospital.

"Tell me or I'm taking you to the hospital."

I uncurled three of my fingers. With that they threw the bag down. A groan escaping as they peeled back my eyelids. They left to get water from the kitchen. In this moment I really felt like I was dancing on the fine line of death. When they returned they sat me up. Forcing the cold liquid down my throat. Heavy gulps struggled to enter my body. Water spilling everywhere as I took gasps of air in between.

"You're not going to die. You're just going to feel like you are."

Timidly, I turned to finally see who was helping me. An ominous glow of neutrality faced me. Held in the stance of a weird older brother. Lacking the general love or empathy, but the understanding was there.

"Judd?" A sound managed it's way through my teeth.

"When was the last time you ate?" He asked.

I shrugged my shoulders still unable to grasp the fact he was helping me. A bag of chips was placed into my lap. Something he must of grabbed from the kitchen whilst getting the water. My fingers slipped over the top, struggling to even hold onto the bag long enough to open it.

"Your high ass can't do anything." He muttered ripping the bag open with his teeth. "Eat."

Managing to place a singular chip onto my tongue I crunched down. Flavours bursting through my mouth in the weirdest way. I hadn't realised how deeply starving I was until that very bite. Shaking still, my hands retrieved a few more. Savouring each bite.

"Why are you helping me?" Words still didn't come easy but I was starting to ease up.

"Everyone else would freak. They aren't use to seeing things front on. We are a picture perfect family." He took a chip from the bag. "If they saw what I was like every time I got a little too high, they would check me into some dumb rehab facility."

"They care." I told him.

"They don't understand. They think if you choose to be happy then life is fine. In reality they don't understand what it's like to struggle."

"Who does understand?"

A long pause lingered between us. What usually would freak a person out felt all too normal. This was the most I had ever heard Judd speak. I never really thought too much about him as a person. He was always the creepy guy that you wouldn't be surprised seeing arrested one day. Someone I guess no one ever thought too much about. I guess that's why he struggles with this kind of stuff. He's the odd one out in a perfect family.

"I had this friend once. He came from a family just like yours. A loveless home. It didn't matter that we came from two different places because what we felt was the same. He dealt with my dumb ass whenever I took things too far. A fight. Drugs. Other things..." He sighed. "You can try your hardest to help someone but there's nothing you can do if they don't want to help themselves."

"Did he not..." I trailed off.

"Just please try Jay. I can say do it for Matthew because that might actually make you want to listen. But at the end of the day it's you who is struggling. You need to get better for yourself."

"Was this guy-"

"Nathan? Yes he was."

I'd always wondered what had happened to him. Leah's friend that held onto Judd more than any person ever could. He was a fun guy. Damaged, but good at heart.

"Let's get you to bed." He spoke with hesitance in his voice.

No words were exchanged. I still couldn't walk so he carried me up the stairs. Matthew laid in our bed so peacefully. The pure look of innocence in his face made me regret it all. Everything felt good for such a little amount of time. Would I really end up destroying everything around me for that short bliss. Could I bare to loose everyone I loved for something so meaningless.

"Take this." Judd handed me two pills as I looked at him with uncertainty. "You're going to have a headache that will make you wish you never woke up."

I threw the tablets back very quickly after that. He nodded before attempting to leave.

"Judd?" I whispered out.

"What?" His finger slid over the handle.

"For what it's worth, I don't think you're the bad guy everyone makes you out to be." I covered an understanding smile.

"For what it's worth, I think you'll be able to recover. You just have to wait it out." He pulled the door.

"If you care about him enough." I grazed my fingers across Matthews cheek. "It will be worth all of the shit the world will give you."

"I know. I just have to-"

"Wait it out?"

A chuckle left his lips in what was the only sign of light I had ever seen from him. How could everyone view him the way they did. If anyone gave him a chance he would prove them all wrong. Maybe that's the same as me. I contained good you just have to peel back the layers.

"Night Jay." Judd left the room, taking every breath of comfort with him.

For now I was just some kid who was way in over his head. Craving things that should have never passed my lips. Wanting things that should be out of grasp. But needing things that every kid deserves. A warm home. A caring but perhaps not understanding family. Food. At some point or another I would have to accept the fact that I deserved to eat. Why else would my body run on fuel. Realisations like that take time.

I would like to say that after today there was no turning back. That I could swear to never abuse a substance ever again. Devote my existence to a happy healthy life. But when I wake up tomorrow. Feeling the same sting of living under my skin. I won't be able to consider those facts. It will go back to a countdown of my next relapse. Holding off at every little inconvenience. Hiding my true intentions from everyone I love.

But for tonight, I could accept that I want to get better. I may not have the strength but I want to. And that's better than any high I've ever felt in my life.