Would your heart stop ( Jay x Matthew Big Mouth Jatthew Fanfiction )

The weekend long party part 3

Jays pov
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I was abruptly woken up by the sound of my alarm. Again soaking up that 10 seconds of freedom from my own thoughts. That special time when I can't remember a thing but like a cloud over my head they appear once again. A wave of sadness fills my body as tears prick my eyes. I hold them back as I get up and hop into the shower. I let the cold water fall onto my hot skin. I let out a small sigh as I prepared myself to wash my body. Everyone always joked about me hating showers but I truly did. Don't get me wrong I loved the feeling of being clean but I hated what it took to reach that feeling. Showering for anyone is always calm and relaxing. Well not for me. I picked up the body wash and put a small puddle of it into my palm. I began lathering it between my fingers before taking a deep breath and a huge gulp. With that I started rubbing my whole body starting with my chest. The soap seeped into every small cut and slice with a burning sensation. I could feel the lumpiness of my skin from bruises old and new. I winced in pain as I closed my eyes. Showers have always been traumatic because showering meant I would have to face the damage on my body I so desperately tried to ignore. After I washed myself as much as I could handle I stepped out of the shower. Reaching for a towel my hands were instead met with a razor. Gasping for air I threw it across the room. As I tried to catch my breath again I slid my back down the wall until I was on the floor, my head in my lap. I started to spiral as I was immensely trying to calm down. I was never sure what was happening. My heart would beat very fast, I felt like I couldn't breath, I would zone out and dissociate, sometimes I would cry. It was almost like my body was shutting down.

As I finally managed to breath normally again I stood up and wrapped the towel around my skinny waist, giving one final glare at the razor that previously triggered me. Once I was back in my room I decided to put on some underwear and look at myself in the mirror. The sight I was met with made me sick to my stomach. I could never let anyone see this. An image so foul. My entire chest covered in small and big bruises. Some were yellow  and fading, others were black and throbbing. You could see every single one of my ribs poking out of my skin. My waist was so small that it looked like I had never eaten a day in my life. There was only one word to describe me but I couldn't bare to let the word leave my tongue. I guess I looked the way I did because my mom rarely fed me. Most days I would forget I had to eat a meal. If I did eat it would be something light like a snack. Other than the fact there was not much to eat I also avoided food for another reason. Food was the one thing I could control in my life, I got to decided when and what I ate and if I didn't at all. It was the one thing I had that I could use to punish myself but also stop me from spiralling.

After a while I let out a huge sigh and decided to put on a black t-shirt and some grey jeans. I wasn't in the mood to dress up nicely. That was why I got ready with Jessie yesterday because it made me excited for the party. It was almost time to leave so I started to splodge on some foundation I had stolen a while back. Considering I had only done this a few times I did a pretty good job. I was never one of hiding what my brothers did to me so I would walk into school with my visible bruises. They mostly tried to put them in places that people wouldn't see but the occasional bruise on my face wasn't the best look so makeup was the only option. At least I was finally ready to leave. It was a long walk from my house to Nicks but I didn't mind because it gave me some time to think. I grabbed the unopened bottle of vodka from beside my bed as I set off on my journey.

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Matthews pov
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Jessie and I were the first ones to arrive. She said that we needed to be there at 7:50pm so that we could check up on Nick. He was totally wasted last night and I wouldn't be surprised if he was still passed out. When we got there he had the music, some drinks and snacks already set up. Andrew slept round last night so he managed to get everything ready as Nick prepared himself for the next night. Nick greeted us both at the door with a hug.