Would your heart stop ( Jay x Matthew Big Mouth Jatthew Fanfiction )

Finding friends

Matthews pov
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The second Jay leapt out of the doorway I ran to the toilet and emptied my stomach. I felt so nauseous and horrified. Why would he do that to himself. All I ever want to do is support him, he's the love of my life. Finding out he was in such a dark place he had no other resort than to do that. All the while he was having a strong front for me. We had an amazing week and he seemed happier. I should of known. He acted like we would never see him again which is what Jessie asked for. That asshole she took it way too far. I was angry too but that is no excuse to act like that. I slammed the toilet door and went back to the living room where Jessie was pacing.

"You fucking bitch! Why did you do that!" I yelled at her whilst still crying.

"I-I don't know what came over me. Oh shit." She mumbled as tears came flooding out of her face.

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." I banged on her chest saying those words in between sobs.

She wrapped her body around me and dropped to the floor holding me in her arms as we cried. It must of been at least half an hour since Jay had left. I had butterflies lingering in my gut. No way in hell did I know what to do but we had to fix this. Jessie broke away from me and looked into my eyes.

"What do we do?" I asked her.

She paused a moment and looked up to everyone else in the room. Missy was sat in the corner with her head in her lap thinking she caused this. Andrew and Nick were talking about how maybe this wouldn't of happened if they pushed more about the cuts during gym. None of them should blame themselves because it wasn't their fault. It was mine. I should of noticed and gotten him the help he needed before it escalated.

"We need to go to his house and I need to apologise about how I acted. That's if he will even see me of course. Why would I even say that! I'm so dumb." Jessie smacked her head into her hands in frustration.

"What you said was... bad but it's Jay. He knows you didn't mean it." Nick rubbed her on the shoulder for comfort.

"He's just so delicate and I know we have to be patient with him. I just care about him so much that when it happened I lost it. I'm so sick of him being in pain I just want it to end. He deserves an amazing life with amazing people. Not this. Not me." Her voice got quieter and quieter as she spoke.

"Tell him that then. You really messed up now but in the long run you have done so much for him. He loves you and goes to you for absolutely everything. He's your best friend." I reassured her.

"Matthew..." She was shaking her head.

"It's going to be ok. You need to apologise and let him know that you don't think that. Tell him how you really feel about him please. Before it's too late." I held her hand as I spoke.

She nodded her head and let out a small attempt of a smile. None of us were feeling great at the moment but I can't stop thinking about Jay. How he must possibly feel. I wanted to run after him so badly but I wouldn't of been able to catch up. He's too fast in general let alone when he's trying to escape. We had to go soon though. If it's hard to control he might be cutting himself as we speak.

"Uh guys." Nick called out.

We all turned to face him. He looked really confused as he picked up his phone. Maybe Jay had messaged him.

"Jay sent me an email." Nick told us.

"I got one too." Missy said. We all opened our phones to see we were sent the same email.

"Why wouldn't he call or message us?" Andrew pointed out.

It was really weird that he would email but it looked really long. Maybe too long for messages. Nick took the liberty of reading it aloud to us. As he spoke I felt awful. Jay clearly thought that he was in the wrong. The self hate he must contain to feel that way after everything. Nick read out a small paragraph addressed to each of us. We all laughed at his mentions of Nick's growth. Andrew held his hand to his heart as Jay's inspiring words to accept himself touched him. Then he mentioned how him and Missy had written a book. I was never aware of this and hoped that one day we would read the book together. Me and Jay. Then it was Jessie's turn. No one had to say a word because we all knew he had forgiven her. She didn't have to even say sorry, that was just Jay. I looked to her and smiled but she was laced with panic. She could feel that something was up and I could too. The way he spoke about our relationship and the future made my heart warm but why was it all without him. He wants me to get away from this town but not with him. This all seemed very past tense and we were confused.

"I love you guys more than you will ever know and I am so sorry I did this to you. I had no other choice. I couldn't go on anymore the way I have been. Please don't cry or be sad." Nick read, his voice filled with suspicion.

"This sounds like a-" Jessie started to say in a sickly voice.

"By the time you have finished reading this the medication would of kicked in and I will be dead... Please don't visit my body because I don't want you guys to have to see me like that. Dream big and do everything you want without a care. You only get one life so spend it wisely. Love forever and always. Jay." Nick continued.

My heart practically stopped. I couldn't breath. Everything in the background was silent. It felt like I was underwater, trapped and unable to break the surface. The slight mumbles of panic broke me from my trance as we shot into action.

"Dad! Dad!" Jessie screamed at the top of her lungs. Her dad came running in.

"What's up jellybean?" He asked with concern.

"Get your car keys we need to go to Jays house now!" Jessie ordered as everyone started grabbing stuff and fumbling around. Nick was now on the phone to 911 asking for an ambulance to Jays address.

This was really happening. My instincts kicked in as I bolted out of the door. They were taking too long and I wasn't allowing it. I picked up the pace and sprinted to Jays house. It was so far away but I was going to make it. I couldn't fail him. Not again. I ignored my surroundings leaping round each twist and turn. Finally I had arrived at his house. The door was never locked so I went inside. My heart was beating out of my chest and if I stopped to think I would probably have a heart attack.

There he was. My sweet angelic boy. His caramel skin now turned a pale olive colour. The happiness was drained from his body as he laid lifeless. The sight alone was enough to scar me for life. I wasn't too sure what to do but I jumped to his side. My fingers locked together as I started to do chest compressions. My fist smacking down as hard as my weak body could. I paused and pinched his nose. My mouth blew steady breaths into his before I continued again. I wasn't going to stop for anything. That was till a little hope kicked in. I checked his pulse but there wasn't one. I edged closer bringing my ear to his mouth. No breath came out of him at all.  I could hear the sirens approaching in the background. I checked again for any sign that he was ok. I already knew deep down. I hated it but I knew. Jessie and everyone else came bursting through the door with the paramedics. They tried to tear me away from Jay but I held on tight. After putting up a fight they finally removed me. I was screaming into my hands. No one knew what to do so they all stood there perfectly still.

He was gone.

We were too late.