DEAR D (pen pal edition) ✔️

87

DELIA

January 30th
Dear D,
It's been almost 4 years since we became pen pals. The best damn years of my life. I've never been happier, but I've also never been so depressed. Ironic, isn't it? The happy moments in my life are because of you and I plan to cherish them until the end. Even though we've never met, I feel as if I've known you forever.

I know you better than I know myself.

You hate sports and your middle name. Simon means the world to you. You'd do anything for that cat. You love God above everything and I admire that passion. I wish I could have that. You used to live in Chicago, but you love California more. You're happier here. You love babysitting and animals. Your favorite color is yellow because sunflowers are your favorite flower. You always dress up for Halloween. Your favorite candy is Sour Patch Kids. You always get them whenever you go to the movies. You hate cinnamon gum and black licorice. You're obsessed with Minecraft. Your favorite bible verse is Philippians 4:11. You want to please everyone, even if it makes you unhappy. You didn't used to stand up for yourself, but I've helped you what that. I've helped you so much.

You don't need me anymore.

There are so many countless things that you've helped me with. I couldn't be more grateful. I found a relationship with God because of you. I actually gave a shit about myself because of you. I swear I need you more than you need me, but there's something more I need and you can't give that to me. I can only give it to myself.

This will be my last letter. I'm sorry, Dimitri. I'm not strong enough. In the end, I was never strong enough. You were wrong about me. I'm the weakest person ever. A coward. But I don't know what else to do. All those horrible things I went through, what I'm still going through, it's too much. I can't take it anymore. All those things said and done, It's on my mind all the time. Like a 24/7 radio station that I can't turn. I need to go. Aunt Sue took my cousins to the movies. They just left, so I know they won't be home for hours. I think that'll make it easier.

It's raining now. I'm going for a walk.

I'm sending you a package along with this letter. Things I don't need anymore. I want them to have a safe place and that's with you. I know you'll cherish everything. I wanted to give you some things to remember me by, and what better than the things I love the most? I love you, Dimitri. You are the only one who's been there for me since the beginning. Every problem I had, you always had advice for me. You always managed to send a letter back in time and you gave the greatest gifts. You won. You are the best gift giver. Thank you for being my friend. I'm sorry I'm leaving you like this. I'm sorry we'll never meet or have our vacation/road trip or get those matching tattoos. Please forgive me. I could always count on you and I'm grateful for everything you've done for me.

But it wasn't enough.

Love, Delia