It's Way Too High

Me, Myself & I

I always was (and still is) so picky and sceptical about the idea of "marriage".

Perhaps it was because I watched way too many failed marriages. Or maybe it was because I see way too many people cheat and feel no guilt at all.

Sure, I don't despise that. And sure, I would listen to you when you vent to me about your "dream wedding". And obviously, I got my own "dream wedding" as well, but that's just that. The idea or "marriage" has never been a thrilling thing for me.

Not to mention that I also have a way too high expectation of things, moreover the idea of someone who would be my husband. Yes, husband. 

I want him to be exactly what I imagine because I know that's what I want and I believe what I might need in a husband. With that in mind, it was hard as fuck to find the perfect match, therefore the struggle becomes even more and more real, even only to find a boyfriend.

I've tried more times than I would like to admit, but nothing seems to work at the end of the day. There's always, like always, something that made them not like what I want, what I expected. And so, I break up with them.

It was always like that until I finally come to my conclusion; I don't care about being married because I have way too many faith in myself that I'll be just fine with or without a husband.

But I do want a child though. Then again, having a child doesn't always mean I have to marry someone first, hence why I choose the adoption way.

I observed my surrounding a lot, even too often I would say. I saw how parents treat their child, some were good, some were not, and some were just... okay. But in my life with my own experience, I knew that mine wasn't the greatest. Therefore, I tried everything in my power to be the perfect parent for my child, the parent that everyone wishes they have.

It wasn't easy, obviously, moreover with zero experience in parenting itself. But the idea of trying to find the best way and learn from my mistake is what makes it so thrilling and adventurous.

As thrilling and adventurous it was, I still wish for someone to hold me at night.
Like, I know that I couldn't care less about being married, but after trying to be so strong and being the perfect model for so long, I just wish I could rest at night and just be... me. And someone would be there to hold me and just accept me for me, without me having to put up this strong and perfect-model façade.

I bet it would be nice to finally let go of your façade, take off your mask, and just... relax. Letting your body rest so it could prepare itself for the day that was about to come.

I craved that feeling.

But I know my expectation was way too high for that to happen and I just make myself suffer even more and more, but I just can't help it. After everything I've been through, I want nothing but the best for me, as selfish as that sound. And I believe I deserve that kind of satisfaction and happiness.

And I thought, if I could somehow, someway, found this exact man that I always dreamed about, maybe I'll finally have a complete life. Like, that empty feeling would be filled and I'll get the satisfaction and my happiness.

Now, the thing is:
Is there any such man out there?