It's Way Too High

Lover of Mine

He looked genuinely curious, there's not a single hint of judgement nor pressure in his eyes. He's letting me take my time and I can't help but smile at that.

"I don't want myself nor my child to get through that. I don't have Keegan yet that time, but I do know that I want a child to keep me sane and help me mature up. The idea of "marriage" suddenly wasn't that thrilling anymore for me, not like it has been in the first place anyway. Sure, I don't despise that. And sure, I would listen to you when you vent to me about your "dream wedding". And obviously, I got my own "dream wedding" as well, but that's just that. Not to mention that I also have a way too high expectation of things, moreover the idea of someone who would be my husband. I want him to be exactly what I imagine because I know that I want and I believe what I might need in a husband. With that in mind, it was hard as fuck to find the perfect match, therefore the struggle becomes even more and more real, even only to find a boyfriend. I know it sounds so fucking crazy right now, but I feel like I deserve the best after everything I've been through so my options were only chasing my dream until I'm at the top of the chain or have a kid. I finally got my dream after a couple of years so that only left me with the first option. I get Kee from adoption, I've told you the story about that and so I start to work my ass to be the perfect parent for him. But then after a few years, I realise that void was still unfilled. As thrilling and adventurous it was, I still wish for someone to hold me at night. Like, I know that I couldn't care less about being married, but after trying to be so strong and being the perfect model for so long, I just wish I could rest at night and just be... me. And someone would be there to hold me and just accept me for me, without me having to put up this strong and perfect-model façade. I bet it would be nice to finally let go of your façade, take off your mask, and just... relax. Letting your body rest so it could prepare itself for the day that was about to come. I craved that feeling. But then I thought about it again. I got my son, the child that I've always wished for. I got my job, my title, and my money, and those were what I wished to have for as long as I could remember, I worked my ass for that after all. I got my amazing best friends as well, those who aren't hesitant to gimme a hand if I need it. They got my back as I did theirs, so why am I still longing for a lover? I just don't understand but I realise how naïve I was being."

"So did you find it now?" He asked slowly. I looked up at Luke; a fond smiled resting comfortably on my face.

"What do you think?"

"Um... y-you did? Or..." He hesitantly said. I smiled even more at him, before leaning up to pecked his jaw.

"You're right, I do. But the doubts still there, you know. No, it wasn't you. It was me. I don't think I'll ever be ready if I actually find my one. I'm scared. With a mind that was set on the 'no marriage' idea because of how afraid I was with how things might turn out, I don't want to disappoint anyone. However, if this man was actually my 'one', I believe he'll understand or that's what I hope at least. I had the talk with Michael and Calum about that. Just a night before I met you. They knocked some senses into me and I just realise how dumb I was this whole time. I mean, it's like my wishes and my wants were contradicting each other. And what kind of person has this dilemma? Is it even normal to have your wishes and wants to contrast each other? I don't even know anymore." I laughed dryly at how pathetic I am. Getting trapped by your own trap, really? It feels way worse than breaking your own rules, honestly.

"What are you gonna do then?" His voice was soft, there's no hint of disappointment nor pain in it and I can't be more relieved. I smiled up at him, stopping his hand's movement in my hair.

"I made a promise with my mum back to my younger days..."

"Yeah?"

"Uh-hu. I told her if I could somehow, someway, manage to find this exact boy, I would get married. But if I don't, then I won't. I'll just live with my child and probably spend my life travelling the world until the day I die. She scolded me for hours because of that. She's never been one that fond of the idea of me not wanting to get married. She's so against it honestly because she thought I was trying to go against God's fate. I'm not even trying to do that, I was just protecting myself. But whatever I guess, it doesn't matter anymore now."

"What are you trying to say, Ash?"

"I believe you're the man that I've been looking for my whole life and I'm willing to try us, like completely. I know we've fucked the first night we met and we've gone on a couple of dates as well, but I've never completely trusted you nor let you into my life but now that I do, I'll accept the risk if that means we can go further in our relationship. I'll try my best to open up to you but I can't promise you that it'll be easy with me. I'm not exactly the easiest person to deal with and I guess we all know that, so I really wish you could spare me some more patience."

"We'll go slow, yeah?"

"Yo- you're fine with it?"

"Why wouldn't I? Your explanation made sense and as you said, you were just trying to protect yourself. And now that you got Keegan as well, you were also protecting him. Me getting into your life also mean I'm getting into Keegan's life, I got it that it's not easy and there are so many risks at it, but this is what we both want, right? Like, I'm not pressuring you or anything, right?"

"Yeah, you're right,"

"Well, then we're settled." He caressed my cheek gently, face glowing from the sunlight.

"Thank you," I softly said to him,a fond smile plastered on my face.

"Why are you thanking me?"

"You're staying. You're sacrificing your freedom for me and Keegan and you're willing to wait and take things slow for me. You also got yourself into my mess because no offence, if I were you, I wouldn't even be with someone like me. I'm way too complicated and problematic and I don't think I need more drama in my already chaotic life. So, thank you,"

"No, it's thank YOU. After everything you've been through, you still gave me a chance. You believed in me even though I know you were scared shitless at the time. And you let me in. You opened up to me, you told me about your past and all of your reasons, you pushed yourself past your comfort zone just for the sake of me. Therefore, it's thank YOU, you got nothing to thank me for," His blue eyes looked so warm, staring down at me with nothing but adoration and... Is that love?

"Is it too soon?" I asked him with dreamy eyes,

"What is?"

"To say that I love you?"

"Do you?"

"What if I do?"

"Then I love you too,"

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Where can I find a man like
Luke or Ashton?

Better question, is there any man
that's at least alike to them?

Bcs I would love one 🙃
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