It's Way Too High

Special

Honestly, I don't know if I regret it or not.

It feels like it was all too soon and I was rushing him, rushing our relationship as well even. But at the same time, it felt good to just let it all out.

Sure it was just an "I love you" and people nowadays throw it around like it meant nothing, but when you say it to your crush or S.O, it hits different. I would be more than freaked out if I said I'm in love with him because I know I'm not there yet but I'm sure I was almost there by each time we spent together.

To me, the whole "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" saying has different meaning. When ILY simply mean you just love it for its "good stuff" like, you could say you love your bed because it's comfy as hell, you love pizza because the taste is heavenly or you love your family because you shared the same DNA and stuff like that. But when you say you're "in love" with someone, the meaning goes 10 times deeper and the whole stuff just hit harder and become even more real. You didn't just love their "goods" but also the "bad" and the risk and everything that included in them. To put it simply, you're accepting them as a whole with no exception. And usually, that's when shit goes like a roller coaster.

The deeper you've fallen to someone, the bumpier the road gonna get. Then again, if you manage to pass it together, your bond just gonna get stronger than ever. And in most case, they fall apart during this fight. It's either they grew tired and give up or they're just not strong enough to begin with. Which usually lead to either cheating or simply breaking up. Worst case scenario: of them cheat but still continuing the previous relationship and when the time comes, all hell gonna break loose.

And personally, that's what I've seen more time then not to the people around it.

With that being said, I'm scared shitless right now. I'm not saying I was them or I'll end up like them, but the possibility to have ended up like them is there, it's just a matter of how strong I am and our bonds are and all the "x" factor. And that's what scared me the most.

I've barely known Luke for a month (or maybe less), but I've let myself in too deep that I could barely see the way out. Dumb, right? I know. I'm not saying that it was wrong though.

When it comes to feeling, no one, like not even a single soul could explain it logically and base it with science and shit. No matter how smart you are, how much of a genius you are, feelings are just simply unexplainable. Hence why your heart and brain has rarely in sync.

I just saw my idol's post on Insta, it was about their 5th years' anniversary along with their engagement and it was so fucking sweet. I could see how madly in love they both are, how dependant but also independent they are. I could see that they made each other happy just simply being in each other's presence. I could see so many things that I wish I could have experience. And to put it bluntly, I envied it.

A lot.

I knew for a fact that the ache will be then time worst if I'm all single right now. And I'm honestly kinda grateful to have Luke right now because the ache wasn't as bad as usual and I could actually tolerate it and they also gimme hope instead of burning a hole into my soul, making me curse myself for an hour (or maybe more) straight.

Maybe I could actually experience it, having a relationship that's like theirs I mean. Just maybe though.

Because life itself is a maybe.

But if I think through it carefully and compare it to my vision and everything else that I believe, I got a good vibe off of him.

Michael's and Calum's word suddenly came crushing back to me.

"Who knows if your man was actually out there, somewhere in this town." -Calum

While it was indeed true, I refused to believe that our meeting at that club was purely luck and coincidence, I would say fate got its magic as well in it and my effort to actually go and put myself out there just give it the last push.

I knew for a fact it was everything combined together and perhaps... it was my last shot of luck as well. I don't really know though. But I'm glad we found one another.

"If you happen to find your man, you'll surely feel the connection. And with that being said, I'm sure you guys will manage to turn your hook-up to a date and maybe more." -Michael

And he was right. We somehow managed to turn it into a date and now more. And all because Luke thought I was different. Maybe it was fate's magic, maybe it was my luck, or maybe it was just the spur of the moment thingy but then again, I know it wasn't them. It felt like we were somehow connected even before we realised it.

Probably it was our consciousness. There is only one consciousness and we're all linked into that combined consciousness. I'm him, and he's me. And if he was actually, like literally my man, my one, the connection would just feel stronger than the normal one. And much to my fortune, he felt that.

He never said it but judging from the way he carries himself around me and how he was treating me, I knew he felt it.

But what if I was just imagining it? Like I was that desperate and I start seeing things? No, no, no, no, no, that can't be true. I knew what I'm seeing and I'm not imagining anything because what I see was true. I'm as sober as a person could be, there's no way in hell I was hallucinating.

Damn, never know it was this hard to be happy.

I just wanna feel good, I wanna feel special.

Why's it so fucking hard and complicated?

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I was thinking about goin
back to my actual genre which is
Mystery/Thriller

It'll still played by Lashton
obviously, like who are kidding?
Ofc it'll be them, lol

My main genre honestly has
never been romance bcs the thrill
when writing it wasn't as big as
when I was writing Mys/Thr

I'll finish this book first, no doubt
Sooo... Wdyt?
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