It's Way Too High

Midnight Thoughts

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Hello there!!!
I'm so sorry about the late update,
but this is just the start. Bcs starting from next week, I'll have bunch and bunch
of exams that'll literally decide if
I'll pass HS or not.

With that being said, I'll have even
lesser time to write and as much as I hate that and how it makes me sad af, I
can't do much but hold my stories and
focusing on my study instead :(

I hope you guys will understand
I love you lot, I'll still try my best to
slip some updates here and there, but
for now, here's an update
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The gears in my mind were working harder than ever. Even though his arms were wrapped around me and his softly-beating heart is pressed bellow my ear, I still can't get them out.

I don't even know what's my real doubt is now. It's just like, everything and nothing all at once causing a chaotic havoc in my mind. That sounds like I'm in denial but what the fuck am I trying to deny here?

The truth?

My feeling?

His feeling?

This reality?

Or what?

I just want to sleep, for fuck sake. I got tons of meetings tomorrow, the first one start at 7 and the rest followed suit. It was midnight already but I'm still wide awake. How am I supposed to survive tomorrow? Drinking gallons of coffees and eat tons of sugar? God, not that anymore, please.

I shifted as carefully as possible, trying to reach out for my phone so I could at least read some of the emails instead of thinking about all the maybes and what if's. But Luke was a light sleeper, his arms instantly tightened around me, some incoherent words past his lips.

I froze for a bit, thinking that would help him goes back to sleep but much to my luck, his eyes fluttered open, revealing the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen. Damn, even when we were in the dark, they're still so fucking radiance and extremely pretty. How the hell he managed to do that?

"Why aren't you asleep?" His half-asleep voice was something to die for, I swear to god.

"It's nothing, you can go back to sleep,"

"No, are you okay?"

"I... yeah, yes, I am. Just go back to sleep, Lu. I'm fine,"

"I don't believe you but I don't want to push you," He mumbled before nuzzling closer to my neck. I sighed in contentment, feeling the tingly feeling bursting in my stomach.

I shifted my body around to face him, smiling instantly at how sleepy and cuddly he looks.

"Hey, baby," He whispered softly, hand coming up to brush my hair gently.

"Hi, Lukey," I whispered just as softly.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"It's nothing big, just my thought going wild during midnight time, just the usual,"

"What this time's about?"

"I don't really know honestly. There's something that's bothering me, nagging my mind and keeping me awake, but I can't put my hand on it and it stressed me our but also worry me to death."

"You don't know?"

"... yeah, I guess so,"

"Not even a single clue?"

"Maybe it was my doubt, but I don't even know what I doubt about right now. So, that's probably not it, but... ugh, I don't know, Lu... I hate not knowing things like this,"

"Hey, Ash?"

"Yes?"

"Do you believe in forever?"

"Uh... why do you ask?"

"Just wondering..."

"Honestly... I don't know. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I don't know,"

"Why do you keep saying 'maybe'?"

"Because life itself is a 'maybe'. Everything in this whole world is a maybe. Nothing but death is a certain thing. Therefore, the idea of forever is also a maybe. The possibility for things to have a drastic turn and all the factor 'x' that we didn't even know to exist has a chance to randomly popped up in the middle of the road, crashing all the certainty, so we're left with nothing but a 'maybe'. Am I making sense? I feel like I was taking it too far and was rambling gibberish,"

"No, no, no, I got it. I understand what you mean and it does make sense, yeah..." The way he reassured me always works one way or another. But what makes it special was, he actually tried to understand my words, not just saying sweet-nothings to please me.

"Do you, Lu?"

"Believe in forever?"

"Yeah,"

"I did. And I think I still do, although just a tiny bit. But I like to think that forever doesn't always mean as 'until death tears us apart and even after that', you know. I like to believe that forever is utilising whatever we have now, the time and everything else, with the person we love so dearly and just enjoying the moment. You know, savouring the time and putting your best into it so you could just grow up as a couple but also a person. Like, to be the better version of yourself. Because like you just said, we can't be so sure of what might happen in the future and promising someone a 'forever' is just simply impossible, so might as well just live in the moment and savour it. If it's meant to be, it'll be. So just hope for the best but still prepare yourself for the worst I think. I didn't make any sense, did I?"

"No, Lu. You did make sense, a great one even. You're right, you know. If it means to be, it'll be. I could go my way and you go yours but if we're meant to be, we'll just find our way back to each other one way or another. And promising something that's honestly impossible is just simply... odd. And it ruined the concept of promises. Promises are meant to be kept, not broken as most people believe. That's just wrong..."

"I know, hence why I'm not gonna promise you a forever. I'll love you as best as I could for as long as you allow me and I'll make us the happiest family out there if you'll just let me. I know you're scared... I do too honestly. I've got my fair share about failed marriages and family tearing apart, but just know that you're not alone, yeah? You don't have to be so strong 24/7, it's fine to surrender and just be... you. So, feel free to vent to me anytime, yeah? I promise you I'll try my best to be there every single time you need a shoulder to cry or simply someone to hold you." His thumb was caressing my cheekbone and I can't help but smile at how sincere he was.

"Thank you, Lu. That's more than I could've asked for."

"That's what boyfriend is for, right?" He lamely joked causing me to giggle softly.

"Yeah, right,"

"Do you wanna try to sleep now? You'll be restless in the morning if you don't sleep now,"

"I know... Sing me something? Keegan told me that you're amazing at that,"

"Sure, what song?"

"You decide,"

Lover of mine... maybe we'll take some time ~