It's Way Too High

Lonely Heart

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I got 8 chapters written before the accident (including this chap)
Let's just hope someone will
fix my bby before these chapters
got all published
Which mean, I got a week to
repair my bby x
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Lonely would be an understatement, right?

I like to think I'll be just fine on my own and when it was indeed true because I could manage and live just fine, but sometimes the craving get stronger one day than the other and it leaves me aching even more for that.

Sadly, one of those days is today.

We were unpacking and readjusting the furniture at my new house. But then I saw how Michael and Calum interact with each other and I just can't help it. They were so cute together, supporting and balancing each other in a way I probably would never understand, moreover experience.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them that they find their 'one', but it got me to wonder if I'll ever find my 'one'.

Then again, if I'll ever my 'one', I don't think I'll be ready. With a mind that set on the 'no marriage' idea because of how afraid I was with how things might turn out, I don't want to disappoint him. However, if he was actually my 'one', I'm sure he'll understand...

Or will he not?

Fuck, why am I even thinking about this?
It'll just hurt me furthermore, that's what I'm trying to avoid by setting my mind of the idea of 'no marriage' in the first place, what's wrong with me now?

I got my son, the child that I've always wished for.
I got my job, my title, and my money, and those were what I wished to have for as long as I could remember, I worked my ass for that after all.
I got my amazing best friends as well, those who aren't hesitant to gimme a hand if I need it. They got my back as I did theirs, so why am I still longing for a lover?

"Ash?" Michael voiced rang from behind the door.

"Yes?"

"You okay? You've been there for quite a while,"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good. I'll be there in a bit,"

I quickly splashed my face with some water, before turning off the tap. I look fine, but my eyes look so death. There's no spark in it, just my boring hazel eyes staring back at me. I wonder when the last time those eyes have spark and twinkle in them was. I miss that, but then again, I also remember just some days after my eyes got their sparks back, I ended up hurting or get hurt by someone. Therefore, is it really worth it?

Whatever, I'll deal about it later.

I twisted the doorknob, before returning to the living room where everyone was.

"You good?"

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked Calum confusedly.

"We know you, Ash. Something is bothering you, isn't there?"

"Maybe, maybe not, it's not that important honestly. Where's Keegan anyway?"

"He's asleep. It's late, you know."

"And we got time, so go on, vent to us," Michael said, agreeing with Calum. I sighed at them but take the empty seat nevertheless. Calum pulled me to his chest, while Michael cuddled close to me. I smiled at the warm feeling, not realising how much I miss affection.

"Sooo..."

"I was being naïve, wasn't I?"

"What?"

"I like to think I'll be just fine on my own as in 'I don't need a lover' kind of fine, but then... I mean, I managed to get everything I wished for when I was a teenager, so why does a lover matter? Why am I craving it? Is it really that important? Am I not strong enough or what?"

"Honestly Ash, you're the strongest person we both known. I saw you when you were at your lowest point in life, Michael did too, and to see you making it this far is the greatest feeling we've ever felt. It feels like we've successes as a best friend and it's just a great feeling like we're proud parents or something like that. So if you think you're not strong enough because you longed for a lover, you're deadly wrong, mate,"

"Calum's right but there are some times when you just need to... surrender, you know. You've been so strong for so long, building up walls after walls and though I knew you mean it in a good way, maybe it's time to let them down one by one. We understand that you did it so you won't get hurt, so you won't give Keegan false hope or things like that, but maybe it's time to let someone else in. You've always wished for this exact man from your dream but who knows if that man actually exists or not if you don't even wanna try to look for it? You know that when you build up these walls it gonna prevent you from seeing this man, right?"

"Yeah..."

"I got it that you're afraid of marriage in general because of your family. Watching family after family falling apart clearly wasn't a pleasant experience but that doesn't mean if you build up one, yours gonna fall apart too you know. Yes, they were your family, but their marriage failing wasn't your fault. It was their own fault and you're not them so just because they failed on that, doesn't mean you will too. You just share the same blood with them, not sharing the same fate." Michael continued his explanation.

It does make sense and I feel so fucking dumb for not realising it until now. I'm not just naïve, but I'm also dumb as fuck. I don't even know what I want anymore. It's like my wishes and my wants were contradicting each other. What kind of person has this dilemma? Is it even normal to have your wishes and wants to contrast each other?

"It's fine if you still don't wanna get married someday because of your doubt, but there's nothing wrong with trying to date people again you know. When's the last time you date someone anyway?" Calum asked.

"A couple of months ago,"

"No, date as in actual date, not a one night stand," Calum said, scoffing me playfully. I tried to remember it but shrugged at the end.

"Years ago probably, dunno. Don't remember,"

"Exactly. You know what? It's a new town, new life, and new people. So why don't you go out there and begin a new chapter as well? Who knows if your man was actually out there, somewhere in this town," Calum suggested, while it was indeed a great idea, but what about...

"But Keegan..."

"No, Ash, you're not using that angel as an excuse. Michael and I will look after him while you go find your man. And if you do find him or just one in general, you know that you don't have to drag him straight away to Keegan's life, so it's fine. Just try it out and we'll see from there. How's that sound?"

"... maybe, I don't know though,"

"There we go. Tomorrow, you're gonna go out there and present yourself while Calum and I chill in here with lil Keegan,"

"But Mikey..."

"No but," Michael gave me a pointed look and Calum nodded reassuringly. I sighed at them but nodded nevertheless. I guess it won't hurt to actually date again.

"But where the fuck should I find a date? If I went to a club, it'll just turn out to be a one night stand"

"Eh, who knows? I mean, if you happen to find your man, you'll surely feel the connection. And with that being said, I'm sure you guys will manage to turn your hook-up to a 'date' and maybe more. But if you can't find your man there, for now, just a hook up will be fine I guess. I mean, you're so stressed, man, you need to get laid."

"Oh, shut up. Just because I don't get it regularly like you and Calum, doesn't mean I'm sex-deprived." I shoved him playfully and we both laugh at that. But maybe Michael was right. Maybe it was just me with my "too high" pride that prevents me to meet this man of mine.

Just maybe though, because one can't be so sure until it was confirmed.