Love Charade

Chapter 33: Solitary Comfort

Twelve years later…

“Bayonet Forceps…” I held my gloved hand and waited in anticipation as my assistant surgeon handed me the tool I asked for. I did not leave my gaze at the open skull of the patient sleeping peacefully in his operating table in front of me.

Though focused on the patient, my sense of smell acknowledged the combination of different antiseptics, medical fluids, and fresh blood inside the operating room.

The smell could make a person’s stomach churn but years of operating made me accustomed to it. I could even find warm comfort in those smells like how a snow give comfort to a polar bear. Weird.

I could also hear every single beeping of medical machines around us and the terrified breathing of the residents and interns.

The Anesthesia machine at the left corner of the operating table told me that the patient was still induced. The vital signs monitor near it gave me a clear idea that the patient’s heart rate was normal. The anesthesiologist nodded at me as a sign that he had everything under control. I nodded back.

I was surrounded by three interns, one resident and one fellow as my assistant. Then there’s me, the attending Neurosurgeon and head of this operation.

I glanced at each one of them. I could almost roll my eyes at the shadow of fright written all over their faces. We’re they not confident in me? I did not fail an operation yet.

“Curette…” I held my palm open and glanced at the mounted digital clock. It’s two o’clock in the morning. Six hours and twenty-eight minutes has passed. The operation was expected to be done at exactly three-thirty A.M. I still have an hour and a half to go.

My hand stopped midway while holding the curette. I heaved a deep sigh and looked at my resident with deadly eyes. He nervously glanced at me and when he caught me looking intently at him, he held his head down.

“Get out…”

“D-Doc?”

“I don’t need your trembling hands inside my operating room. Get out!” I yelled and motioned the door. They were all surprised by my sudden outburst.
Siguro kung wala lang sa general anesthesia ang pasyente, hindi na ako mabibigla kung pati ito magising sa sigaw ko.

“Y-Yes D-Doc!” The resident nervously scurried off and left the room.
“Gumising kayong lahat!” I let out another bombastic scream and went back to my operation.

The nurse near me silently wiped my sweaty forehead. Unlike others, she was calm. She even managed to smile at me. She has been assisting me several times, that’s why she already established an attachment with me.
I once again glanced at the anesthesia monitor to check the amount of blood loss. A nurse was assigned to reintroduce fluids via IV.

Almost done. I only need to control the heavy bleeding through bone wax. Pero kailangan ko pa ring mag-ingat dahil sensitibong bahagi ng katawan ang inooperahan ko.

“Let’s wrap it up.” I put the scalpel in the medical tray and stretch my arms. Finally, I’m done.

“I’ll have it here, Doc.” Chelsea, who is a fellow, took over. I smiled behind my surgical mask and nod at her.

“Okay.” I answered while retreating to the door. I looked at the clock again. A hint of satisfaction crawled its way into my mouth. The fact that I finished the operation thirty minutes ahead of the expected time was a pure accomplishment for me.
“Good job, everyone.”

Alam ko na ang simpleng ‘good job’ ay malaking bagay na sa kanila. I was once like them, an intern, a resident, and a fellow. I had my nervous days too, I was once scared but they could not blame me for reprimanding them especially if a patient’s life was on the line.

Nagulat ako nang sa paglabas ko ay sumalubong sa akin ang resident na pinalabas ko kanina. Napabuga ako ng hangin bago siya iniwan at naglakad papunta sa scrub sink.

Agad kong hinubad ang surgical mask at scrub cap ko at tinapon sa mesh basket bago naghugas ng kamay. Naramdaman kong nakasunod pa rin sa akin si Doctor Orrin at tahimik na nagmamasid sa akin.

“Do you want to save lives?” I asked while scrubbing my hands. Nararamdaman ko nang unti-unting bumibigat ang talukap ng aking mga mata.

“Y-Yes Doc!” gulat na sagot nito. I could feel the nervousness that surrounded him.

“Then put yourself together. Sometimes our desire to save others conceal the fact that we needed the saving first.”
The touch of the cold running water has somehow awakened my whole system but it was not enough to relieve the tired nerves inside me.

“Sorry po…” Napalingon ako kay Doctor Orrin at nakita kong nakayuko siya. Lihim akong napailing.

“You can never be a surgeon with that trembling hands. Have yourself check. Until then, you are banned inside the operating room.” Iniwan ko siyang nakayuko pa rin.

“Doc!” Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at nilingon siya.

“W-will you operate on me if I finally figured out my illness?” Mangiyak-ngiyak na tanong niya.

Alam ko kasing hindi lang normal na panginginig ang dinaranas niya. By the looks of it, he was suffering from Essential Tremor.

Sino ako para tumanggi sa isang pasyente. Ngumiti ako sa kanya bago tumango. “I will.”

“T-Thank you po. I promise to be like you in the future, Doc!” Naging maaliwalas ang mukha ni Dr. Orrin.

Natigilan naman ako sa huling sinabi niya. Napatitig ako sa kanya nang mariin bago nagsalita, “Do not let other people define your dreams, Dr. Orrin. You must determine it for yourself.” Finally, I retreated.

‘Wow! Bakit Neurosurgeon ka ngayon?’
A certain someone crossed my mind by the mention of defining your own dreams as well as a familiar pain crept its way to my heart but I managed to brush it off… somehow.

It’s been years. I shouldn’t dwell on that era of my life anymore but then again you could never really be the master of your own feelings specially when you knew that certain circumstances still affect you.

I finally made my way inside the on-call room. I darted past the sleeping doctors in their bunk beds and went straight to the table. I slumped my body down the wooden chair and grabbed my ready-made green smoothie.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the combination of sweet and bitter taste when I finally felt the smooth liquid in my tongue.

“Success?” Napamulat ako at napaangat ng tingin sa nagsalita. I smiled and nodded at Dr. Qeleigh, who’s a Cardiothoracic Surgeon and a friend of mine.

I lifted my arms and gave her a thumbs up and went back to my smoothie.

“Wow! So, we’re expecting another bouquet of flowers tomorrow, then?” natatawang tanong ni Dr. Qeleigh at umupo sa kaharap kong upuan. I rolled my eyes at her and smirked.

“Hay naku! Pagbigyan mo na kasi!” Napamaang ako dahil sa boses na nanggaling na naman sa direksyon ng bunk bed.

Dr. Yulette, who specialized in general surgery, joined our table. The two of them were my constant companion in Aceves Medical Center for three years now. The two surgeons were five years older than me and has more experiences with medical life.

“I’m busy with my patients. Speaking of, I need to take a rest because I have my rounds scheduled at seven o’clock in the morning. Good night!” I stood up and slumbered my way to the now vacated bunk beds.

“Good morning!” magkasabay na turan ng dalawang doktora at sabay ring naghanda para sa rounds na gagawin nila.

The moment my body felt the soft mattress, my eyes automatically shut closed.
 
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After my rounds, I decided to come home and collect my things for my camping, with a bouquet of roses. I didn’t mind it at all. Finally, after several weeks, I could have all the time for myself because it was my day off.

During my days off, I always went to Silay City and spent my day camping there… and reminiscing the past. Was I to blame? If I told you that I never left that era of my life at all. I was a prisoner of my bittersweet past after all these years.

It took me hours to finally arrived at the Jalandoni’s Cabin. Funny, how they all vanish like a thin smoke of air but all their properties in this city remained under their names.

I kept on asking infos about them but all their people gave me the same answer. They had no idea.

But then again, one specific Jalandoni became a bad old habit of mine and just like what they said, old habits die hard.

“Magandang umaga po, Doktora!” Ngumiti ako bilang sagot sa pagbati ni Manong Lito, ang caretaker nitong cabin at malugod na binigay sa kanya ang pasalubong kong cake.

“Good morning po, Mang Lito!”

“Kumain na po kayo? Gusto niyo ng kape?”

“Okay na po ako, Manong. Didiretso na po ako sa camping site. Gusto ko na po agad magpahinga.” Agad kong nilingon ang camping site na minsan na naming pinuntahan ni…

“Sige po. Huwag na po kayong mag-abala sa tanghalian ninyo. Magluluto po ako ng native chicken tinola.”

Biglang lumiwanag ang mga mata ko dahil sa narinig. Nakangiti akong tumango at tuluyang nilisan ang harap ng cabin.

I settled on the blue outdoor chair while breathing in the fresh Silay air and overlooking the serene picturesque of city lights below me.

Sabi kanina ni Manong Lando habang nananghalian kami, pumunta raw rito si Chantelle noong isang araw. Tinanong ko kung may kasama siya pero mag-isa raw at nagmamadali ring umalis. Meron lang hinanap sa mga gamit niyang napunta sa cabin.

Bakit hindi niya ako kinontact? Tuluyan na ba akong nabura sa buhay niya?
Akala ko mabubuhayan ako ng pag-asa pero mas lalo lang dumami ang mga tanong sa isip ko. Kung nandito siya, possible kayang…

Pinilig ko ang aking ulo sa naisip. It’s been years but I couldn’t still mention his name.

The mere taste of his name in my lips seemed like a million needles pricking my heart.

Maybe, they have moved on. I should too, right? But how? Where would I start?

Umihip ang malamig na hangin kaya napayakap ako sa aking sarili at nagpakawala ng isang mapait na ngiti.
Kinuha ko ang mp3 player na siyang pagmamay-ari niyang tanging natira sa akin. I pressed the ‘play’ button and a random song filled the serene surroundings.

It was him singing. And every time I listen to it, my lonely tears always made their way out of my eyes like deserted waterfalls.

Oh, how I miss his voice. It remained as my companion in this dark unfair world.

Years of longing for him, years of aching for him and years of wanting for answers became my solitary comfort. What an irony of life this was.

Parang kailan lang, in this exact place, pareho kaming hindi sigurado sa future.

Parehong hindi alam kung ano ang tatahaking daan. Ngayon, iisang daan pa rin ang tinahak ng mga paa ko pero mag-isa na lang ako.

In this very place I felt so confused about having feelings for a girl at the same time having my heart fluttered by the smile he gave me that day. Now, everything was just a bittersweet memory but this place became my rendezvous of sorrows and pain.

Tumingala ako sa kalangitan at napangiti nang sumalubong sa akin ang dagat ng mga nagkikislapang bituin.

‘Are you one with them?’

‘I’m already a doctor… I found out what I want to become and I am now living it…’
After what happened twelve years ago, Ate Kora decided to sent me away even though it was hard for her to live alone in the Philippines. I agreed to follow our parents in USA because I couldn’t bear the agony.

Although, I hated Ate Karol’s husband because of what he had done to my sisters, I still sought for his help. I took advantage of his power.

I asked him if he could enroll me to a direct-entry medical program. I knew that it will demand all of my time but that’s what I wanted so I could forget. I didn’t. 

‘Pero kulang na kulang pa rin ang buhay ko… I can’t feel any fulfillment at all…’

I became one of the country’s youngest neurosurgeon but everything was not enough.

I wiped my tears and breathed in deeply.
“I hope that you are proud of me. Wherever you may be… b-baba.”

I unlocked my phone and opened my IG. I searched his account. His last post was a picture of me peacefully sleeping beside his hospital bed.

Twelve years, still you.

I clicked send. Hopeful, even though, I knew that he couldn’t read it anymore.
If a parallel universe existed, I wished that we both exist in it, happily living our dreams together.