Desperado

part 74

One month later

"gross" i stare myself in the mirror

5 months pregnant and my baby bump is now finally showing. the only good thing is that i have another 4 more months till this baby is out of me

the ball that giovanni is having is exactly a week after my due date. i'm terrified of leaving my newborn in the hands of someone i don't know.

giovanni said i can trust the nanny he's going to hire but i don't even trust giovanni himself, for all i know he is going to set me in a trap.

but then again i remember the deal we made. as long as i'm here my kids are safe and this deal is the only reason why i haven't left yet. i hope they don't miss me as much as i miss them, i'm sure joey told them about me already.

it's almost been a year since i haven't seen them. it breaks my heart but this is what we get, we never had normal lives to begin with.

i was kidnapped by joey at a young age and watched people get murdered in front of me, watched my best friend die, killed people myself, got kidnapped so many fucking times, fall in love and out of love, believed the person i loved was dead, got caught up in drugs, and so much more.

this is going to be apart of our lives till the day we die and there's nothing we can do about it, it's who we are now and it'll only get worse from here.

but for some reason i feel safe with giovanni. a lot of people are terrified of him, almost every mafia knows who he is and no one has ever got the chance to kill him because he's that powerful and always two steps ahead.

just like that day i was suppose to die. he's the one who set fire in that building, he had sophia with him all along, and worse of all, he did all this get me. he knew everyone would leave, that joey would pick his sister over me, that leo, david, and carter would leave me to die. he knows them better then i do.

i wonder what else he knows. if he can read all these people i wonder if he can read me. i always showed my emotions and never held in a tear, i was a sensitive cry baby after joeys death or fake death i should say.

i use to be so bad ass and now i feel weak. should i blame joey for making me weak? he abandoned me, chose his sister over me, killed people i cared about, emotionally and mentally drained me.

i need to learn how to move on from him. he still is the father of my kids and someone who changed my world but it wasn't meant to be. but we were so irresistible.

from the first night we met when he told me his name was josh to the second time we met at starbucks when he told me to meet him at that stupid pizza shop at 3 in the morning.

i smile thinking of that day

i was terrified of what he would do but he did change my life for the better at least, i learned a lot from him. he taught me how to fight, defend myself, love myself. i was always so happy when i was with him because he never judged me, i was always confident around him because i knew he would never say anything to hurt my ego.

"you're all mine beautiful" he shouts

"don't do this again" i swat his chest

"fuck elena, you're so beautiful!" he shouts even louder and i cover his mouth with my hand

"stop joey!" i whisper shout

he grabs my wrist from his mouth, "all mine!"

"okay!" david shouts from the living room

joey and i start laughing

i shake my head, i can't take myself back there. every time i remember him or the memories it hurts me even more.