Desperado

part 33

Read authors note at the end of chapter!

-

i think in the car about the abortion. i don't really know what to do. gosh i'm so stupid

i know it's going to hurt me so badly. i don't want to abort it anymore. it's not only ethans baby it's also mine. it's apart of me as well

i bite my bottom lip and wonder how it would look, would it be a boy or a girl? would it have my eyes or ethans? i'll never know

and i cant say anything because i have to do what joey says. it seems like i have no say in this. if it hurts joey i have to do whatever so he feels better

it seems like he doesn't care about my feelings, okay maybe i'm being selfish now

why can't we keep it? why does joey want to kill it so badly? it's also my baby

i don't care about ethan. i can raise the baby with joey... right?

joey stops the car in front of madison's house and faces me, "i'm so sorry elena"

i take a deep breath, should i tell him? he's going to yell at me. what if he leaves me

"joey" my voice breaks

"yea?"

i need to tell him, now. i don't want to tell him the day of the abortion

he's going to hate me so much. he's going to throw his ring in my face just like i did with my ring. gosh what is wrong with me

i messed up so much this month. i ran away, came to new york, got mad at joey for the stupidest thing, threw my ring at him, i just want to leave this stupid state

i don't want to be involved in any of this. i just want my kids and i want to leave

"please don't yell at me" i look at him, he waits for me to start talking

gosh the adrenaline is about to kill me. my heart is racing at how he's going to react

i want to cry, again

"i want to keep the baby" the words just fall out of my mouth

joey looks at me slowly. he doesn't say anything, just keeps his eyes on me

"i know you do but we can't have it elena. especially with everything happening right now. abort the baby now so gio doesn't kill it for you"

"joey. i can hide-"

"for 9 months?" he scoffs

"joey please, i don't want to abort it anymore. it's my baby as well and i can decide too, and if you really do love me you'd support that" i look away from him, scared to see how he'll react after i said that

he puts his hand on my thigh, "i know baby. i just hate the fact that it's also ethans. seeing the baby will just make me hate myself even more. and we have to find our kids first, not have you in pain for 9 months, then stay home for another month or more to take care of it"

he's right. it's not a good time to have a baby right now and it's dangerous. not only for me but for the baby

it's just going to hurt me so badly to say bye to it. i bite my bottom lip as tears start rolling down my eye

joey grabs my hand and pulls me over the console and onto his lap. he looks up at me and wraps his arms around me

i do the same, wrapping my arms around him. a feeling of assurance comes from the hug. he doesn't even do anything but i always feel safer with him