Bastard

time

   Good afternoon to all. I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying your selves.

    I said I would shake back from this pain and I'm in the process of doing such. It's been a hellish week. I have never been in such pain with my scar tissue in my lower back as I have this week. It hit me hard and nearly broke me down.

   Of course, a while back when I had to go to the doctor, they gave me pills and spoke of surgery. I said Fuck that. I changed my way of thinking, as in I basically ignored the pain and it became part of me.

    It's been a strain on my heart but it isn't breaking me down. It's only making me stronger. When I'd start hurting, I would shut everything down in my mind. I'd do some leg exercises, or get in some time on the excercise machine. I'd soak in the tub afterwards, then I'd write. This has been my routine since I've taken time off from my jobs to work on me.

   But I'm not used to not going to work. Ever since before my girls were born I've been working multiple jobs, plus the eventual gig, trying to ensure my family have what they need.

   My family...seems surreal that I have a family now, be it as fucked up as it is.

   Still, it's my family. And I'm gonna do whatever is needed to take care of mine. So being home hurting doesn't sit well with me. At all.

   I get my ass up and keep it pushing around the house. It's my fault tho, for overdoing. I need to realize I'm not Hercules.

    I'm cooking today. I planned a menu of my favorite baked macaroni casserole and a homemade honey barbeque meatloaf. I have plenty of ibuprofen on hand, and my trusty heating pad for my shoulders. I got my smoke, and I got music to listen to. I was gifted a song from an old friend that was written for me a long time ago, but I never knew about it or heard of it.

   I may even take a drive today. Who knows. I've been in the house too long. I need some fresh air but that's a contradiction to itself bcuz what air is fresh now in this world?

   Maybe I'll just sit for a while outside, masked up of course. Or maybe I'll just keep my ass in the house and eat and get high.

   I wish everyone reading this blessings 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼