Bastard

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   Greetings and blessings to all.

   Today I received a heartfelt apology from someone I love.

   Apparently,  the hurt and pain I've caused yet again  can be felt by her. We're so tapped into each other's souls and psyches that I simply can not hide a thing from her bcuz she always knows. She tells me.

   Semaj apologized for having such a hold on me. She told me that she knows the reason why these negative energies keep coming thru; bcuz of my love for her, I've overlooked many women's affections. Truth of the matter be told, I just can't be with anyone else.

   I know I'm a fucking hot ass mess and a lot to deal with, and I never wanted to burden these women to have to put up with this. Semaj is the exception. She's the exception bcuz she puts me thru a hell of a lot too, but I endure it bcuz of my love for her. So yes, I lay my burdens at her chosen feet bcuz we're in too deep to pretend any longer.

   I fell in love, or at least it felt like it, with other women, but I couldn't give my whole heart to them as I've given it to Semaj. I hurt innocent women who wanted to love me, who wanted to understand me and my ways, but they could never understand my devotion to this woman. Or either they wanted way too much way too soon.

   See, I was damaged goods, pining away and lusting after the woman who gave me her heart a long time ago, but who took it with her. There is no room here to blame. I could have moved on, but I chose to wait and wish.

   Of course I've met some very special creatures in these few years, extraordinary women with drive and goals. Everyone wants to help the bastard in me, thinking maybe I'll be normal and what could have been.

   I've always thought something was wrong with me. But nothing is wrong with me. Is it wrong to love someone so much, so effortlessly, so untiringly, so passionately as I have?

   These women were beginning to try to make me turn my back on the love that kept me alive. The love I yearned for. The love I need to make me whole. They made me feel stupid for loving someone so hard. They tried to paint this picture, and it was my fault, for I carry my love for this woman to the highest mountain tops and the lowest of valleys.

   I feared that this would happen, that the hurt and pain I caused would turn into anger and resentments, and bitter feelings would brew. People hate her bcuz of me, and that isn't fair. No one knows her like I do, not even her husband. No one should pass judgement of her until they've tasted her life and walked in her place.

   We subconsciously release toxins into the universe with our resentments and ill will. As empaths, we pick up on so much shit, on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. As I write I can still feel certain energies lashing out at me. I don't know what more I can say or do to apologize for not being able to be what was desired, but I refuse to apologize for my love.

   I never asked anyone to try to understand me. Maybe I'm not supposed to be understood. She understands and overstands me and that's enough for me. I feel her sadness and despair bcuz of the sadness and despair I caused others is being aimed at her. She's picking up the lion's share, and it doesn't sit right with me.
Any negativity should be reserved for me.

   She apologized to me. She apologized to me, obviously in mental anguish from all of this. She sees these women's faces and feel their energies. I myself feel as if my head were in a vice grip. I'm supposed to be enjoying this time with all of my lovelies, not worrying about how my love for Semaj is making people feel.

   Nevertheless, hopefully this will pass, and lessons will have been learned from all ends.