Bastard

the letter

    I would like to wish anyone who happens upon this a multitude of blessings 🙏🏼

   I said I would've snapped back from my pain and I have. I've been back at work and I tell you, my people down at the shelter gave me such a welcome it touched my heart🙏🏼❤️ They said not only did they miss my cooking, they also missed my presence there. I missed them too.

   But yep, I'm back at it, thanks to Goddess. I'm back working at the tire shop and the hotel bar as well, and I see these people still hard headed as fuck, still wanting to frequent places instead of being home.

   I got to see my precious loves whilst making a diaper and formula run, and I must say my beautiful baby girls are getting more and more adorable by the day. I miss them so much when I'm not around them. Now that I'm feeling better I try to see them every day again.

    Whilst visiting Damiana, when I was leaving her mother slipped an envelope in my car. It was a letter she'd written, and told me not to read it until I had time to really stop and do so. I told her I would and left. As I was driving I couldn't help but keep staring at it, so I pulled into a parking lot and read the letter.

   Semaj had a lot to tell me in the letter. She told me how she felt my pain the whole time I wasn't feeling well, and how coming over and rubbing me down with alcohol set it off inside of her. She said she hated seeing me in pain but she was happy she got the chance to touch me. She told me that her love for me had never diminished, and that she hated herself for what she did. She even went into detail informing me of exactly how it came to be that she and Daenarick had sex😔

   She told me that she had never ever intended on doing such a vile thing to me. She admitted she knew that she had hurt me badly from the past, and said that she knows she hurts me every time she chooses to stay with her husband, but that this time, this thing...was so unlike her and that she hated herself for allowing him to even seduce her. I had to read how my sun, my child, came to her heartbroken. How he came onto her and how he made her feel like that was the only option. She said she knew she should have made him leave, but he'd said that he couldn't come home to me bcuz I was upset with him over a woman. She told me she should have used her head and trust her instincts, but she didn't.

  She said how much hearing about me and this other woman affected her bcuz she'd had a word with this woman a while back asking the depth of our friendship. She said she knew the woman was in love with me but she hadn't known the woman was also sleeping with my sun. She admitted to doing it half way out of spite, saying she knew this would hurt me beyond, and that she honestly really hadn't wanted to have sex with him, but that he's so much like me, looks so much like me, he reminded her of when we were together back in the day, and she simply got caught up in it all.

   Semaj went on to inform me that she wasn't putting all the blame on him, bcuz she's a grown ass woman and she should have known better. She said she didn't want to tell me of the things he did bcuz she felt ashamed at herself. She told me in no way was this letter to start any shit with Daenarick. She said she knows how much I love him and that she will go to her grave sorry for what she did.

  I read her words and my heart got tight. She went on to tell me that it was me she truly wants in life and that she loves me now more than ever but she just can't bring herself to leave and divorce her husband and break up their happy home. She begged me to have understanding and feeling. She said she never thought she'd be a wife and mother, and here she is, both. She said her husband entered her life at a time when she was going thru something devastating, and that he had become her rock. She said had she known if I'd still wanted her she would have tried to make her way back to New Orleans and find me, only there was so much going on in her family at the time and she was at the breaking point. Getting married to him solved a lot for her.

   Then, she went on to tell me that her son asks her about me all the time, and that made me smile. She thanked me for always coming thru for them, but that it was high time that the other men in her life, as in her son's father and her husband, start stepping up to the plate and doing what's necessary. She told me that she will forever be grateful for all I've done for her and her family, and that she is glad that I am Damiana's father. Semaj told me that every time she looks at our baby girl it's me she sees and that fulfills her soul in ways I'll never be able to comprehend.

   She told me she can see the hurt and pain in my eyes every time I'm near her, and that she knows she is the cause of my pain. Semaj told me that it kills her to know that she solely is to blame for diminishing the light inside of me and hopes she hasn't drained the wellspring of my beautiful uniqueness. Semaj always did have such a way with words, and her words here were killing me.

   She ended the letter by declaring that I shall forever be her love, and that she wishes me the best in any and every endeavor. She said she'll understand if I never forgive her but she sincerely hopes that I can find forgiveness in my heart towards her, and bear no ill will against my sun.

   Reading Semaj's letter left me in tears.