Bastard

today

   I'd like to wish my warmest greetings to anyone joining me here. Blessings to you.

   Today, I spent the day spoiling my girls. It's the least I could do. I know I've been deep in my feelings lately, and it is felt by them.

   My baby girl Damiana held my face and looked me in my eyes as if reading me. I wondered if she could see all of daddy's turmoil inside. Her beautiful little face made me smile, and she pulled me close and gave me a big slobbery kiss, melting my heart.

   My little Bria called me dada today for the first time, shocking me. My little monkey said her sister not gonna be the only one😂 I was holding her after getting her dressed and she called me dada ❤️ I was so touched I started tearing up. I'm overjoyed both of my baby girls know me, know that I'm their father, their daddy. I love it.

   We packed the girls in Lucille and I took them to the mall. I carried Damiana and Semaj pushed Bria in her stroller. I'm happy to see how affectionate she is to my other daughter, like she's her own. We bought them identical stuffed Oh, The Places You'll Go Dr. Seuss bears at Build-a-Bear Workshop. I also bought Semaj's little one an Angel bear, and for her son I bought a Saints bear. For Egypt, I found the cutest stuffed black dragon.

   Of course I wanted to go in Victoria's Secret. Semaj just shook her head and said Won't be a secret for long...look at this body. I smiled at her and told her I was most definitely looking at her body. I saw something I really wanted to see her in and bought it.

   I bought my baby girls their first pairs of baby Jordans today then I felt foolish, bcuz at the rate they are growing they soon won't fit. But oh well. They're cute and adorable.

  After doing a little more shopping we went get some eats at the food court to go. I know my love's feet hurt but she wouldn't let on. I just wanted to do something special for them.

   When we arrived home, I took care of the girls, feeding them and changing them. After our food, I sparked up a nice blunt and gave it to Semaj whilst I put the girls down for their naps. I came back and gave her a foot massage, and I felt bad bcuz her feet were slightly swollen. I noticed her watching me, and I asked what was wrong. She just told me that she loved me, and thanked me for the day. As I was smiling at her she gave me another look. When asked about it, she replied Those eyes man...your eyes drive me insane. I just love your eyes.

   It made me happy, made me real tingly inside to know how much of an effect my eyes have on her. I even pulled out the black nail polish and painted her toenails, kissing them before each coat. I even blew them dry😂

   Everything was going in a good direction, as in the direction of the bedroom when Taz called, telling me she was lonesome for Bria. She missed her and was lonely bcuz Daenarick had been staying over at a friend's place some nights and she's alone. I begged her to let me keep her longer, like we agreed. Taz said she really missed having her for company. I told her I needed this time to bond with Bria, even told her that she called me dada. Taz started laughing, asking what? Then she started crying, telling me how she missed Bria's first words. She had the nerve to tell me she thought Bria would say mama first, or at least would have called Daenarick dada.

   I asked her why she had to go there. I was sharing a happy moment with her. She then went on to ask me if it was true that Semaj was pregnant. I told her it is, and I told her that nothing would change as far as me taking care of her and Bria. Taz was quiet a while, then she asked when I would bring Bria. I asked her to give me one more night with her, and I'd bring her home to her tomorrow. She agreed. Right before hanging up she was about to say something when Daenarick walked in and she had to go.

   After that,  it was Mr. Nasty time😏😈😂

   I hope y'all know it was on like Donkey Kong up in here. Could be pregnancy hormones, could be I just bring it out of her, but one thing about it, we both nasty as fuck and we both enjoy each other, thoroughly, immensely.

   I look to Semaj for strength and understanding, for love and life. After yesterday, I had such fear that Semaj would leave me, such fear that my life and all that's in my life would be too much for her. Such fear that all I've ever done, and all I've had done to me, would prove to be overwhelming.

  Yesterday was completely shocking. Unnerving. And it made me feel like shit. It delivered me to a madness unknown. Never, for the life of me...I am still shooketh and I really didn't tell Semaj the entirety. I told her all I could bear, and hoped to Goddess she wouldn't walk out on me.

  My sister put my mind in a meat grinder. She took the little victorious I had in me and shredded it like cheese.

   Last night, I couldn't sleep right. Lately I've been able to be lucky enough to experience good night's sleep, but there was none last night, no matter how great the passion. My mind was elsewhere. Tormented, replaying the day's events. I reached over and took Semaj's hand. By instinct she put it over my heart, and it made me cry.  She knows where it belongs.

   I can't explain the way my mind works. I feel so many things all at once it electrifies my whole body. I think think think feel feel feel. And Mona Lisa gave me something I can't stop thinking about or feeling. I'm a shipwreck bcuz of her actions and my own guilt. I feel terrorized. Violated. I feel lost. Betrayed. Victimized. Yet I feel at fault. It's all my fault. Who am I kidding. There's no one else to blame but me.

  My thoughts kept me vigil, and I pulled Semaj even closer to me. She slept snuggled against me all night whilst I waited for the sun to come up, and for morning to hit, and for her to wake up and let me make love to her.

   That's why it was important to spend this day treating my girls, especially Semaj. I shouldn't be having sleepless nights with her around me. Hopefully tonight I will get a show and she'll model what I got her today. I can't wait.

   At dinner tonight, Semaj asked me to move back to the house in the country. She said it was time I come home. I was speechless. I'd been secretly missing my little forest and my fire pit, but mostly I missed seeing what the strength of my love built.