Bastard

why struggle when you can be free

    Wishing warmest greetings and blessings to all who happen across this. I wish you peace and posterity. I wish you financial blessings. I wish y'all are all in the best of health.

   My head has been heavy with thought. I find myself with more free time now and am currently searching for job number four. I can't be still, although I know I need the rest.

    So, I guess it's safe to assume me and the latest girlfriend are no more but then again I knew better even trying. It seems that no matter what, I'm destined to disappoint. She was younger than me this one, and let me tell you it was a change but guess what? Still ended with feelings being hurt and even more pent up sexual frustrations.

    Of course I was accused of sleeping with the elusive Sweet Hennessy, when in actuality I didn't. I still haven't accepted her offer of giving me some ass. I was trying to be still. To not overindulge. But of course the young lady in question thought ill of me. I knew she wouldn't be able to handle dating a sex addict; sure, everything is all good when it's her I'm beating off to but  masturbating isn't enough. Of course she has this picture of me in her mind, a picture where I'm fucking any and everything. Not even.

    I will say that I've had the pleasure of speaking with a "crush" of mine I've had for a while now. She is a pure lady and Goddess how I wish I could be what she needs. This sweet woman has opened my nose up. Never in a million years would I have thought she would ever give me the time of day.

     I know I'm not good for these women, these sweet ladies who deserve the best. I am grateful for their friendships. I need them especially right now, seeing as a few people are now missing from my life. But I'm learning it's all for the best.

    I've been struggling with my mental health and stability even more lately. I have to be strong on my own, not from between the bosom or legs of my sponsor.

    I have been exercising my right to receive, to allow myself to receive. I am a giver, always giving. I get taken for granted quite often. I'm here trying to be right, trying not to be a lush or a cad, trying to keep this monster to myself and frankly it's driving me mad. I'm struggling to be right when freedom is right there before me but no, I'm punishing myself.

    If I don't find my wife soon, it's over for me. I'll gracefully tip out of this game called life. I'm bitter bcuz I know what I can deliver. I know it may seem like I can't ever be faithful. For the right one I'll be all she could ask for. I thought I knew who the one was; I thought I knew who I'd forever give my all to. I didn't know shit.  All I do know is that maybe she doesn't exist for me. I had such dreams built upon the love I gave and wanted.

     Once again, I return to the question: what's wrong with me? Why I am never enough? Why am I too much? Why must I be this way? When will I ever be able to find my bride and wrap my life around hers? When will I ever be able to move on?😔

    Goddess knows I've tried to date new women, instead of pining for the two married untouchable-but-obviously-touchable women who have known me longest? The two whom I always sought. The two...one who hurts me and the other who heals me. What the fuck huh.

   I am way too horny to be single. I wish I could make the women of my life happy but alas I cannot. This wound inside is so deep and festering. I don't like to admit it.

    I am tired of hearing myself. I'm tired of reading about my dilemmas but hey it's good, cheap therapy. Either I can just shut the fuck up and deal with things or I can indulge. It's as simple as that.